A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi there,I am having trouble with my self-esteem.I can't help but feel inadequate whenever I see guys on tv and in ads etc. I know it sounds silly and I try to laugh it off in my own head but I still seem to have an internal dilemma there. I know it's not real and people are entitled to enjoy good-looking aesthetics but it somehow still makes me feel bad about myself and unfortunately it spreads to reality as well - I often find myself feeling unattractive or not 'sexually alluring' in anyway.It is worse since I have had a girlfriend for the last 2 years and I guess my insecurities make me feel somehow compared. I don't look at other women and actually don't find anyone else attractive (or don't notice it at least) in media or reality and so when she looks or makes comments to me or others it hurts me whether it should or shouldn't. (As a by-line, I have noticed sometimes it seems that in recent times women can comment on men without negativity ensuing but it's considered chauvinistic in reverse. Anyone agree? Not an accusation, merely a thought).I have told her about my issues but don't go on as I am aware it's silly and don't want to troll for compliments but I am assuming it stems from a lack of self-confidence. I keep myself healthy enough and take care of myself to a reasonable level so it's not that.I think I need some advice on boosting my confidence and blocking out silly thoughts. I guess if I think about it I hear her saying things about others more than about myself which bothers me. But surely I should be confident in myself without needing to be told positive things from others. How do I boost this?Is it common to feel self-conscious about the surrounding world?As I say, I am aware it is a silly concern but I can't control the feelings of inadequacy I have inside.Any advice would be greatly appreciated :)many thanks in advance!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2014): Cerberus, I don't know what feminism articles you're reading but they sound very dated and extreme. There are many, many different forms of feminism and it is currently undergoing a massive resurge across universities, with many feminists being highly critical of exactly the kind of thing that you are saying is objectionable. Really, it's becoming a very dated thing to keep criticising feminism in this narrow way and without knowing how it's being readdressed today. If you're gonna criticise feminism, go ahead, some forms of feminism do need this, but please be aware that you are looking at an extremely small part of what is becoming a huge movement - including such a thing as male feminism, with female feminists calling for fairer treatment for men and for far richer and in depth understanding of the problems that men face.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2014): "I have noticed sometimes it seems that in recent times women can comment on men without negativity ensuing but it's considered chauvinistic in reverse."
Yeah of course. Feminism has made male sexuality be equated with perversion, predation and be viewed as dirty and oppressive. Women on the other hand don't get the same shit we do for the same things because there are no jealous, bitter, underwear burning males complaining about it. I read a feminist article the other day that stated that all PIV (penis in vagina, they don't even call it intercourse) sex is rape, and that no woman would want it without being brain washed and coerced. Penetration is being increasingly portrayed as a violent act these days. So yeah, men are dirty oppressive, predators and woman doing the same thing is just "liberated", equality my arse.
It's common to feel that way OP, but you know yourself it makes no sense. Even the guys in the ads don't really look like that. It's all filters, lighting and airbrushing.
If you want to boost your confidence though there is literally nothing better for a man than working out and becoming a bit buff, even if you don't end up with a 6 pack.
I mean what parts feel inadequate? If you want a better body, go get it. If you want nicer hair go get it cut, if you want to look stylish go buy some classy clothes.
My advice OP, is to not be obsessed with what you see but look at yourself and find some small ways you can improve yourself. I've been working out years now and I'm as strong as an ox, have a nice 8 pack going on, am stronger, faster, fitter and getting moreso each day. I like to read a lot to improve my brain, I train in MMA to improve my confidence too, knowing you can take care of yourself in any situation is a huge confidence boost. While I'm not a 'prepper' I do study survival books and stuff like that because it's great to have. As a teacher I've a first aid cert. that I'm currently upgrading to advanced level and might even do an EMT course.
OP in this post-feminist world many men have been taught to have the same bullshit insecurities as women when it comes to looks, the cases of male anorexia, cosmetic surgery are all on the rise as we're put under increasing pressure to live up to the same idiotic aesthetic ideals that women place on themselves. They want us to get in touch with our feminine side when that side is even shitty for them.
I mean any time you see those crappy articles showing celebs in bikinis with all their fat and cellulite, in the comments section below is just a bunch of angry women demanding that men be treated with the same disdain. "Why aren't men subject to this kind of nastiness" "where's the fat men article?". That's feminism, OP, let's attack men too see how they like it attitude.
Just rise above it and remember for all the weepy emotional crap women try to tell us a "real man" is, at the end of the day what really makes us feel confident about ourselves is our physical prowess, ability and strength. Now you can stand there in front of the mirror prancing and preening all day long, comparing your beauty to that of other men or you can forget all that crap and just focus on making yourself a top class man or at least realising you already are.
Take up a sport, or rowing, or my personal favourite a martial art. Stronger, faster, fitter, more intelligent beats being prettier any day of the week.
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