A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi all, my long term girlfriend broke up with a week ago and I initially felt like it was the best thing as we argued alot. We nearly broke up a year ago, and then the arguements became less, but it seemed the relationship was slowly ending although we done lots of nice things together like holidays and shows.I feel so much guilt that I always seemed to start arguements, and bring up the past. She lied to me a couple of times at the start of the relationship, and that hurt me alot at the time. Although I was over the hurt, I guess I never let myself really trust what she was saying anymore. We had alot of good times, but alot of bad times as well, big arguements and petty stuff like "thats it we're over" and all that childish stuff. I feel like it was usually me who always had to go a step further.I've read an article about "are you dating a loser" which goes into all the things that someone can do that are not good for a relationship, I could relate to some of them. I use to pick at her, poke her and stuff to get a reaction, it wasnt in a hurtful way or anything. I use to make her feel guilty about things. I use to be very moody, often for little reason to do with her. Towards the last few weeks and months I felt pretty emotionless and sometimes avoided kissing her or making her feel loved. I think it may of been because she had hurt me in the past, like the previous year. It hurt to think she didnt want me anymore, and although we got over it, I think it may of damanged me subconsciously or something? I think alot of it was also frustration, as she was always very quiet, never initiated conversations, sex, much at all. She never done anything special for me like romantic meals, love letters or candles or anything of the sort. I done all these things for her and more. I felt like I carried the relationship alot, and controlled it. I treated her really well for along time, but getting little back from her I slowly stopped and then ended up treating her pretty poorly before we broke up. I cant seem to get over this feeling, I feel like this guilt is going to stay with me forever and if it is, whats the point of life?any advice/help welcome, thanks
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your answers and guidance. They have been a help to me.I do understand what I done wrong, but I cant figure out if it was because of how she made me feel, or if it was just because I didn't feel that "spark" anymore. I mean when I was with her the last few months, I wasnt really "into" the relationship. Now she's left me, im unsure if I want her back simply because I cant have her, or because I think she'll remove this guilty feeling or because I do truely believe she is "the one" and all that.People close to me tell me that we just wasnt compatable. They say that I need someone abit more exciting and affectionate, and that if I had someone like that, then alot of our problems, my fault or not, would not occur.They say that in time I'll realise that we just wasnt compatable, and thats why alot of these problems arose in the first place. Her lies, my frustation and alot of the arguements.Although at the moment, I cant help but hate myself for the way I treated her at times, mainly at the end of our time together. But then do you think she feels guilty for not doing more for me? Special things? Being more honest and open with me??
A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (4 March 2008):
 When we go into a relationship with someone it's to see if we're compatible. Although you both got along some of the time (and who doesn't), the reality is you both just weren't compatible. Don't beat yourself up about it though, it was no ones fault, she just simply wasn't that special "one". Learn from it in the future.
You'll go on to have other relationships, some will work, some won't, that's the whole point about dating. It's all too easy to go into a relationship and feel "comfortable" then after a time the cracks set in and one partner seems to bug the other or you start to pick on their faults all the time. These are the red flags!
Successful relationships are all about seeing the good in one another, being proud of your partner AND their faults, respecting them for who they are, warts and all. You would never want to undermine them and they are not someone in whose company you feel threatened or small. There should be trust and understanding on both sides and you feel safe and secure within yourself. If you don't have this then that partner simply isn't for you.
What's the point of life? You are still very young and you have so much more to experience in life. When the right person does come along, you'll know! Put the guilt behind you, it was no ones fault that your relationship didn't work. You can't be forced to love someone or they love you so get out there, enjoy your life and look to the future.
~Eve~
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