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age
41-50,
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writes: I've been married to my wife for nearly two years, however 3 weeks ago she told me that she can no longer keep trying and that it is over. I pleaded with her to give me another chance, wrote her a letter, sent her flowers and went and stayed at a friend's for a few days, however she remained adamant.Leading up to her decision things were ok, but the key problem was a lack of affection and physical contact on my part. I was protecting myself from potential hurt by witholding and feeling I could slowly develop this. In hindsight this was ridiculous as how can you stay with someone who does that? I realised as soon as she said it was over how much I loved her and was overwhelmed with how much I wanted to do all things I hadn't been doing. Life was no longer a chore with her, I love her so much I want to do anything for her.So for the next couple of weeks, while I was finding a place to move into, I tried to show her how life could be by doing as much for her as I could. The physical affection side was off limits though as she said it was over.So now I'm in a house share, desperately wanting a second chance. I've read various bits of advice and come to the conclusion that I need to give her a lot of space (no contact etc for a couple of months maybe) and develop my life so that I don't need her - rather I want her. I just want to know if this is the right thing to do. I'm terrified of giving too much space (even some is very difficult). Also whether there can be another chance? I'm so certain of my personal changes, that I know, it wouldn't be fruitless and there are no trust issues, infedelity etc.Any advice on how to get a second chance?
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2008): A lot of people in relationships do this very thing. They won't make the necessary changes while still in the marriage. The truth is, if she wasn't leaving, you wouldn't have considered change. Your wife knew this and I am guessing that she asked for a change and you weren't willing to, at the time. And wisely, her self-respect and self-love preceded what you failed to give her. Marriage should be comprised, always, always, of love and affection. Mutual givingness and caring is paramount. What's happened now, is she closed her heart off to you and she was likely emotionally distancing during the later part of this marriage, but you weren't taking note. She knows in order to heal and recover from two years (plus) of this, she has to go it on her own. I commend her for that, as so many people don't get out of dysfunctional relationships, when they need to.
Give her space. No contact. She is not yours anymore. She belongs to herself, only. And if she is admanatly holding out, there is your answer. No means no. You do not have the right to impose your wants and needs on her. She knows now, you are a risk and she no longer can trust you to give back to her, no matter how much you convince her. If she agreed to come back, only to find you haven't changed, she would be indulging herself in something which can only cause her deep pain. She knows that.
Learn from this harsh life lesson and keep working on yourself. And as suggested below, you will know better how to love someone with respect and cherish them fully, when you get that opportunity with someone else.
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female
reader, bluntasaspoon  +, writes (10 August 2008):
 i'm sorry but i disagree with the answers that have already been posted. i think that u need to take a step back and look at how u were in the past, this will help if u want to be back together. u must go gently though, only go round when u are seeing the kids and always ask if there is anything u can do. also just try to become friends with her again, dont get all teary and begging or giving flowers or cards or any of that crap. women want that in the very first 6 months of a relationship not a few yrs down the line. also if she would be willing how about couples therapy? but please dont ask her this untill u two have been on good terms for a while. if u are serious about her then learn to be who u are first, and then she may fall back in love with the man she met.good luckbluntasaspoon x
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHmm, you guys don't pull your punches do you?! Well respect is due to you at least for doing so.
I'd appreciate some explanation as to why you are so certain about the finality of it as I view life very differently. There are no rules and anything is possible if you're willing and able to do the things that need to be done.
She has said that there could be a chance in the future - and I trust her completely that this is not some placating statement to make the transition easier. She has also made comment about possibly holding off on the divorce paperwork etc so I don't think my optimism is not without grounds.
I think more than anything I'm looking for ways to maximise the opportunity, rather than just accept it. Sure, it could be over in a few months when we re-establish contact, but I'm not going to just accept it at this point, having the opportunity to do things that can help now. That would be weak minded and fatalistic in my opinion.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHmm, you guys don't pull your punches do you?! Well respect is due to you at least for doing so.
I'd appreciate some explanation as to why you are so certain about the finality of it as I view life very differently. There are no rules and anything is possible if you're willing and able to do the things that need to be done.
She has said that there could be a chance in the future - and I trust her completely that this is not some placating statement to make the transition easier. She has also made comment about possibly holding off on the divorce paperwork etc so I don't think my optimism is not without grounds.
I think more than anything I'm looking for ways to maximise the opportunity, rather than just accept it. Sure, it could be over in a few months when we re-establish contact, but I'm not going to just accept it at this point, having the opportunity to do things that can help now. That would be weak minded and fatalistic in my opinion.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2008): I hate to have to say it, but you've missed the boat mate. If you'd have bought her a bunch of flowers every month since you got married things might have been different. The horse has bolted and it's a bit late to shut the stable door now.
They do say you don't know what you're missing until you no longer have it.
Accept the inevitable. It's over. Stop trying to regain what you had once, because it doesn't look the least bit likely that it's going to happen.
You don't have to give her any space - she's making her own.
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