A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:so here it goes....I met a great girl at the start of the year. We went out...went out again two days later ended up having a wonderful time. Things were great, she'd call/text all the time, etc. Then two weeks into it, late at night she tells me she doesn't want to be in a serious relationship right now. I told her it had only been a few weeks and perhaps a bit early to have that talk...but that I wasn't ready for a serious relationship at the time either...so you know, we did the normal thing the next morning and went and met her parents for the first time. Turns out we have a freakish amount of things in common, our parents went to grade/high school together, same interests, parents loved me, etc. No mention of the not wanting to be in a serious relationship....just having fun hanging out. Then one night I have her over, cook dinner for her and we go out....its great. The whole next day she is all lovey-dovey....holding hands, kissing me at stop lights, etc. Then she starts pulling away. I know better and I leave her alone, but still she contacts me daily. I give space, she comes running back. There is a lot going on with her...She works a ton, she's trying to change a lot of things in her life, she isn't very happy with herself or so it seems. She has told me that I've been nothing but supportive and kind and not pressuring her at all. Still she continues to push me away....being flighty and canceling plans one minute, begging me to come out the next. She got tipsy one night and told me "I had plans for what I wanted to do and then you came along and messed it all up". Anyhow, I'm frustrated because I'd just like to get to know her better, take our time and see where it goes....but she keeps flooring it and then slamming on the breaks. So my question (and I apologize for the long preamble) is this: Is she pushing me away because she really likes me a lot and doesn't know how to keep it for getting serious too fast? If so, what do I do? Thanks for the advice
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female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (28 February 2009):
 I could be wrong (and I sometimes am!), but I think your assessment is accurate. She may fear that a serious relationship with you will derail her plans and her ambitions, but at the same time she does not want to let you go. But she can't have it both ways: either she's in or she's out. The reality is that you're dealing with a woman who doesn't know what she wants and is clearly not ready to be in a relationship (as you said). It's time for you to take control of this situation, this might mean that you become less available to her when she comes running back or that you start moving on and dating other women.It's rare that you find someone you connect with, but it sounds like the timing is off on this one. Maybe once she gets herself together you can start moving into a serious relationship--if you're still single,that is! If not, it's her loss and she needs to decide whether she wants to risk losing you to another woman.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2009): I could be wrong (and I sometimes am!), but I think your assessment is accurate. She may fear that a serious relationship with you will derail her plans and her ambitions, but at the same time she does not want to let you go. But she can't have it both ways: either she's in or she's out. The reality is that you're dealing with a woman who doesn't know what she wants and is clearly not ready to be in a relationship (as you said). It's time for you to take control of this situation, this might mean that you become less available to her when she comes running back or that you start moving on and dating other women.It's rare that you find someone you connect with, but it sounds like the timing is off on this one. Maybe once she gets herself together you can start moving into a serious relationship--if you're still single,that is! If not, it's her loss and she needs to decide whether she wants to risk losing you to another woman.
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