A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, i never ever ask questions like this (forum-esque) as I generally seem to know what to do and how to accomplish it. THIS time is different. I hope that one of your answers will strike a chord with me and help me summon the courage to do whats best...I have been in a loving relationship for over 12months now. She is gorgeous, confident, happy, generous etc etc :-) About 5 months ago she decided to read my mobile phone for no apparent reason. She explained at the time that it was a bit of a mistake. She found in my inbox a suggestive message from a former friend who i had spoken to on numerous occassions prior to meeting her and also after. BUT after meeting her i asked this lady to remove the explicit nature of her messages as i was in a relationship. This friend would every once in a while convieniently forget and I would have remind her - but no harm no foul. As you could have guessed, the message that my GF read was slightly suggestive., but incredibly innocent as there was some hidden meaning in the msg. My GF went mad. One of our big things we have is our honesty. I had never mentioned this other girl to her as it was nothing to be worried about and I was never likely to see her again - so when she found out about this past relationship she declared this as a break in trust. Obviously I was beside myself with guilt that she could be so hurt - but afterwards I began to feel angry that she even read my phone messages in the first place. I love her, and we promised to agree that it was a laughable mistake by us both and carried on into the next 5 months of blissful relationship. I noticed a few changes though. She would be jumpy when I got a message and insist that i read her messages to prove that she had nothing to hide. I refused as I saw that her privacy should be respected. Recently she read my messages again and turned a few innocent messages to friends into a major affair. 1) I am studying French and she gave her consent for me to meet new ppl to language exchange. Unfortunately every person who expressed an interest in this were female. One in particular wanted to learn and speak English - seemed a great person to meet. It has been difficult to meet this person for weeks (due to our commitments getting in the way - and her BF). She read one of these msgs which was trying to organise a time to meet and suggested that foul play was afoot since she knew nothing about this language student. ALSO I was planning on meeting a past friend to take back a DVD which has not panned out quite yet due to being busy. Add it all together and she is feeling hurt and kept out of the loop. In fact talked about closing our relationship because she thought i was being dishonest. I have tried to tell her that nothing has ever happened between any of these ladies, and nothing will. I do not see me as being dishonest when all i am doing is sensoring the information coming my way - and would have announced to her if any of these meetings (french student and DVD girl) were to actually take place. I agreed to give her more of a running commentary of my comings and goings in the future.... but here comes my question....If I do this and with what has already occured (above), will she ever trust me? Or will she continue to try to invade my privacy and unsurp my judgement on what she really needs to know about my everyday life? I realise that since we are committed that we should not hold anything back - but sometimes I act to temper the situation and regarding the last 2 possible meetings (not happened yet) I would have told her before they were to happen, but because both have proved difficult to arrange, I have not mentioned it to her...Advice please?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys! I do need to try harder to reassure her - she is worth it all. I convinced myself that i was a victim of circumstance but i need to take control and make sure she has every reason to trust me. I'm not a bad person and would be gutted if she really believed that i was cheating on her....
G
A
female
reader, elizawarder +, writes (17 January 2009):
Trust is the foundation of a relationship, and im sure she will trust you again, but in honesty, you shouldnt be in a position where you are recieving these texts. If you have asked not to recieve these texts, and these women are not responding, then you ask again with a bit more feist. it is not fair on your girlfriend. if my boyfriend was recieving them id be very upset, and the fact that she felt she had to look through your phone in the first place might imply a lack of trust already...
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