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female
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anonymous
writes: Hi, ive been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years and he is 34 years old and im 21. At first the age didnt bother me but just recently, he has been saying he is ready for marriage and children, i have told him that i am not ready just yet and he says he will wait. But i feel so guilty for making him wait as he is a lot older than me and if i was in his position i would be ready as well. I don't really know what i should do, should i make him wait or let him get on with his life without me, even if it breaking up? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (8 January 2006):
 Forgive me for indulging in a tiniest squidge of "well, der", but this is what people meant when they told you three years ago "He's too old for you. You're at different stages in your lives!"
Dating a guy almost twice your age can have a lot of benefits, but this is the drawback that lots of young women pretend isn't really an obstacle.
You need to discuss this matter with him, and really think seriously about what you want to do and what your personal plans entail. You write that you'd be ready for kids and marriage at age 34. Well, that's 13 years away. By the time you're ready, he'll be 47, and while lots of men do have kids and marriages at that age, it's usually second marriages, and late-life kiddies they're having. In other words, it's a long time to make him wait.
Do you picture your personal plans for marriage and kids (if any -- some people decide against the traditional route) changing, or adapting? What if he puts it to you that he wants to be a Dad before he's 40? Does that fit with how you want your life to unfold in your twenties? Do you have plans for university or a career that could be adapted if you were to take several years off to share child-raising responsibilities?
For what it's worth, I don't think it's fair to "make him wait" until you're ready, because you don't know for a fact that you'll ever be ready. You might be in the estimated 20% of people who are now in their 20s who will never decide to have kids. However, I also think it's a shame that you've been together for three years and didn't discuss matter in depth before now.
It seems to me that he's pushing you for children and marriage at a pretty early stage in your life, before you've really had time to do the things you can only do in your early 20s, like backpack around the world, living on 2-Minute Noodles and sleeping rough. Although I know that there are millions of great parents who are 21 (and younger), I still think it's better for everyone when women start having children after they've finished with the risk-taking, late-night partying stage of their lives.
So, talk with him. Keep an open mind about your options and listen to his needs, but be realistic, too. For example: Yes, kids can go into childcare, but spaces are hard to find and it's damned expensive, so it's not a panacaea.
In the end, what you're deciding is, are you ready to settle down? And, is this the man you want to spend the rest of your life with?
If the answer to either is No, you should be honest with your boyfriend, and let him know, so that he can find someone who's at the same stage in their life that he is.
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