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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I've been with my boyfriend for 5.5 years and we have lived together for about 4. I am now at the stage where I want to get married and maybe start a family,I'm 32, he is 30 so I think this is a pretty normal reaction.I've told him how important this is to me on a number of occassions and he says he does want to get marroed, but is scared of change. I feel my life is starting to slip away and worry that really he is just stringing me a long. He says quote, just because he is too lazy to get married doesn't mean he doesn't love me. But I know he won't have children out of marriage so this leaves me feeling confused.I do love him and am happy as I think most people are, but is it time to leave him if he won't commit? I don't want to be in the same place in 3 years time, still unmarried and childless. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Dazzerg  +, writes (23 October 2007):
 I'm not sure what you mean by 'stringing along' here, I dont think you stay in a relationship as long as you have without some kind of deep commitment and there is nothing else here to suggest that he has any ulterior motive other than to put-off something he doesnt particularly want because he is scared of it.
I wonder how you are presenting this idea to him because maybe that is something you can work on to win him around to your point of view. If you imagine his mind as a scale then on one side there will be his love of you and on the other there will be his fear and you have to tilt the scales. Incidentally I wonder if he has had a bad experience in the past that could have created this phobia??
I think your feelings are normal and understandalbe as are his; marriage is a formalisation of a bond that obviously already exists between you but certainly the prospect of a family can be daunting at any age. In general I think you need to meet him half-way and try and coax him forward; if you raise the spectre of leaveing him I would say that it would most likely be counter-productive.
He says he wants too and that means you have something to work with and you dont seem to have any other reason to doubt him so it would seem to me he is being sincere. I think you shouldnt consider leaveing him until you have absolutely exhausted all aveneues and hope of pushing your relationship forward. Good luck.
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