A
female
age
36-40,
*rescendoll
writes:I have recently split up with a long term boyfriend because he was so occupied with the future that he wasn't there for me in the present. He is a good guy, but I don't know if he's the one.Now I am starting to date another man who is currently making me really happy, but there are certain complications about our relationship that make me think we'll have no future together (marriage).I still have feelings for my ex and he still wants me. I've seen that he is making efforts to change himself for me, but I don't know if he's what I want. Do I cut off the guy I'm seeing now to give my ex a second chance?
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2010): No wonder you're confused - you're going from one relationship to a 'potential' new one. If you still have feelings for your ex, and he has feelings for you, then WHY are you looking so soon to be in another relationship. One it will only confuse you emotionally, as you will be all over the place trying to establish if you've made the right decision to break-up with your ex, as you're obviously still in touch with him, if you say he's trying to change. Not sure what that means, as you don't say what any of the problems were.
If they were personality differences, or real deal-breakers, drugs, violence, cheating, gambling some issues can't be resolved, and if any of the latter issues, then why would you consider being with a guy like that anyway. I'm just taking a stab in the dark, as you give so little info. Most people seem to ask a question, then when you delve a little more, you find out that the original question was just a way to bring the 'REAL' problem t the surface.
You seem to talk very much in terms of 'The One'as though you need to know this as soon as you date someone, or be thinking about it - WHY?? Does everyone you meet and date, have to be the one, have to potential marriage material.
It puts a whole load of pressure not only on the natural flow/growth of a relationship, but also on the guy. If someone is going to 'END UP' a lifetime partner, you are not going to be deciding that on the first few weeks or months of dating. Or shouldn't be, as this is where decisions are flawed by the 'newness' of a relationship, where everything seems rosy, as you say " Now I am starting to date another man who is currently making me really happy "
If you were a client of mine, I would be suggesting that you might take a break from both men completely, and see how you feel, to really think about what it is you want from life, and does it have to include a significant other immediately. So many women fall into relationships and try to make them what they have in their mind, how the guy should be, how they should move forward and at a pace that suits them, this is not how relationships should progress. They should naturally flow into something special, that both parties recognise around the same time, where the couple feel the relationship could be long-term/marriage, not start out like that.
And if you want someone to change, then may be you have the wrong person, may be you were settling for a 'nice guy' but a nice guy, that did not share your values, your aspirations for life, or had the same relationship goal, so you try to make him fit what you want. The best way to establish if someone may be your life partner, is not to rush in from the outset thinking ' is this the one' and go through the check-list, but just to date, get to know the person for quite a while before even thinking along those lines. And certainly never go straight from one relationship where you have any feelings left over for that person into another..That is rebound territory. Neither is it fair to the new person, as you are not 100% free from the previous partner.
Perhaps give yourself some breathing space for a while, sought out your feelings for your ex - and discover some new things about yourself without having to have a man in tow.
Jilly
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (20 December 2010):
I'm staring to see a woman who's not spending enough time on herself. You were going out with one guy who wasn't what you were looking for and you've moved on to another guy who now isn't what you're looking for.
The first guy is now an ex, and in my opinion, ex's are better kept as ex's. He might seem to be changing now, but changing actually takes years and a man has to do it for himself, not for someone else. Take him back and he will soon revert to his old self.
As for the new guy, there are already complications that appear to be preventing any kind of future at all.
You need to sit down alone and work out what you want. You had a guy who was interested in the future and was thinking about it, but you dumped him. Now you're with a guy with whom there appears to be no future, and you're not sure about him either. You've picked two different men with two different outlooks, and neither have been right. That means that you need to have some time alone to work out what you want from life.
As for these two men, neither are right, so leave them both alone.
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