A
female
age
22-25,
mama2three
writes:I have been married to my husband for 3 and a half years and throughout our relationship I have become his doormat. I've changed everything to make him happier, but I feel like he only comes to me when he needs something such as sex or food. He treats me like a maid, leaves his stuff everywhere for me to pick up. He also gets very angry, very easily, which is why I avoid conflict at all costs, even though it often means sacrificing myself or my beliefs/needs to make him happy. We have three boys under three years old, and I seem to be the only one who takes care of them, he never spends time with them. I'm tired of being his doormat, tired of not having a voice, what should I do? Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2008): First of all I've been there and done that and I'm long since divorced. The first problem I heard is that you avoid conflicts. Sometimes the only way change can happen is by expressing yourself and having arguments. They can be healthy. Second, don't ever, ever change who you are for anyone. It will only leave you angry and resentful. Be yourself and express yourself. The truth will set you free!
Best to you!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2007): Hi Hunny,
I would be pleased to help you get your confidence back sweetheart if you want to message me we can chat Ive had a few yrs of experience in the confidence thing anytime you feel down just mess me love ill help if poss with love mandy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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A
female
reader, mama2three +, writes (28 December 2007):
mama2three is verified as being by the original poster of the question He has never been physical with me, and I honestly don't think it will ever escalate to that. His father was a lose cannon, I think that a lot of his behaviors are learned behaviors, things he picked up from his dad. I am afraid that my kids will turn out like him, I don't want to raise a bunch of lose cannons! His angry outbursts happen maybe 3 times a month, which is 3 times too many for me! My biggest problem is that I bend over backward for him and I'm starting to lose myself. I feel like I'm nothing but a maid and cook. I do have to say that I *do* believe you teach people how to treat you, and I have let him get away with things so long he now thinks it's acceptable to continue to be a lazy couch potato while I bust my arse to take care of our home and family. I do feel guilty when I ask him to do things, though, because he's at work all day long to provide for us. I know I should see a counselor, I think I could gain some self-esteem back if I had someone tell me how to do that!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2007): Hi Hunny,
I to was in this possition with two children and that was bad enough, My ex was in the army and he treated his family as he was trained.
I had to give him my wage I had to make sure his lunch was ready I had to make sure his dinner was ready for 5 on the dot, He didnt take interest in the children, I did everything, and he was never around on weekends.
I was with him for 13yrs being young when we married I had only experienced my parents loving relationship and I got very down, But did all this to please him at first!
I was 20 when we married by the time id reached thirty I was not the same girl, Unfortunatly he used to come home quite abusive and if I shouted at the children for a little thing he would hit them so hard that in the end Id shut up...That didnt stay that way in the end I fought back.
I had to think so very carefully as our house had been built by us with the land given to me by my dad so if I left I would loose the house, But in the end I realised that the house was bricks and mortar and my children and I were far more important.
I felt it hard to take the children from there father as I didnt want them to be hurt either way, I told my elder son what I was thinking and he started packing for me right there and then.
He was hurting to he had heard the way his father spoke to me he had seen his father hit me and he had been hit across the head enough times as well, his brother was only five and I did not want this to continue and I left the very day I spoke to my son.
A doormat is something you wipe your feet on love as you walk in the door, your wife is the person that is there for her husband and her husband is there for her...
Thats how it is supposed to be, unfortunatly you dont see this coming it comes slowly and by the time you have had it and are where you are today you wonder how the hell you got there.
Its ok for some to say stop doing everything as I was scared as to what his reaction would be and I didnt want him to get angry in front of the children, You need to see someone who is going to help you get your self confidence back, Have or are you allowed girl friends if you have love ask one of them to help with the children so you can see a councellor to help you gain your strength as your probably feeling very weak right now.
I no its not going to be easy but leave his things on the floor just tidy up the childrens and your things, only if this wont cause him to take things out on you as no one can see behind your closed doors and no one can possibly understand unless they have found themselves in this possition, Dont run around after him and if he does get angry or violent call the police.
Victim support have you got this organisation in your area if so get some help from them they helped me so much without them I dont no where I would be today.
Get help Get your confidence back get strong hunny Dont let this person walk all over you, Get your interests back meet new people go to a mother and toddler group(if you dont already) The more friends you have the more you get strong as my friends have been amazing your family have you got family if so let them no you need help pull out all the stops to get you back I hope this helps a little with lots of love and hugs MANDY xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2007): Baby Duck has some great advice and my view is that you can change your attitude first. The way you react to him - think about this carefully. Keep a private diary for a couple of weeks and see what you note down. I think your husband is 'getting away with' an awful lot..... maybe you are letting him? You can make subtle but really effective changes to the equality of your relationship which does not require massive conflict.
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A
female
reader, truly_unique  +, writes (28 December 2007):
i agree
taking the reins back slowly is a calm effective way of gaining control of your life again.
just remember that you have three little boys so dont do anything rash
good luck
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A
female
reader, baby duck + ♥, writes (28 December 2007):
 Every action has a reaction. You have three little boys under three years old, so you need to make tiny little changes and watch how the domino affect will change your life.
Your heart is in the right place, but something that you must stop doing RIGHT NOW, this second, is being HIS mother. If you are getting yourself a glass of water and he asks for one, be a gracious adult and get him one. If you are in the middle of folding the laundry when he asks, smile and say, kindly, "No. I am folding the laundry. But while you're up getting yours, would you mind getting me one, too?"
Do not make an announcement that 'things are gonna change 'round these parts'. Just change. Don't get ugly. Don't be petty. Stop being his doormat. Try to step outside of yourself and think how you'd counsel your girlfriend if she were in your shoes.
I bet he misses the woman that you used to be. You can't go back to being her but you can stop being the one you've defaulted into. Starting right now, you can be THE woman in the house.
Please do not mistake my advice for 'blaming the victim'. I am trying to show you how you've got the power in your hands right now. Oh ... and as for sex ... it would be very good for both of you if you told him what he could do for you ... you initiate the sex, but not by 'doing him' ... you tell him what you want him to do for you, to you. Take the reigns, honey. You are THE woman in the house that happens to be a mother to three little boys, but you are THE woman first.
Give it a shot. Best wishes.
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