A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear Aunts and Uncles,I need some advice on how to move on. I know this is a question that has been asked over and over again, but I really need help breaking out of my fantasy. I am still in love with someone who once loved me. He wanted a relationship but I didn't because I didn't feel ready at the time. I have always wanted a relationship with him but at that time I was young, stupid and didn't think I can handle it because I knew it would be too serious. I want him so badly but his mind is completely completely shut. He completely avoids me and treats me like a snowman when I see him at work and treats me like a wall when I see him in the hallway. When I try to go up to him and talk to him, he only shows anger and wouldn't even look at me. What really prevents me from getting real is that I keep thinking that I can get him to love me again... I just can't forget all the things we did together before I let him down. I didn't ask him out or anything but he even refuses to be just friends. I know it will hurt me over and over again every time I see him. I don't talk to him anymore because I know he will just glare at me. He won't stop expressing his hatred and ignorance, it's driving me nuts. Please help me get out of my fantasy, I don't know what to do!
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male
reader, Odds +, writes (30 October 2011):
 @ CindyCares
"If he takes rejection so badly and so personally, he has a big ego and a closed mind."
If that was true, it would have to be true of the OP as well (she has taken it rather personally). I don't believe that of either of them.
Truth is, it's awfully convenient that most women mature and come to their senses about the wanting the right kind of man right about the same time they get the baby rabies. Further, if people can change so much that even the type of person they are attracted to changes as well, who is to say the boyfriend did not change so he no longer finds her type attractive? And if people can change that much, how could anyone be foolish enough to get married when they may no longer be attracted to their spouse in a few short years?
I stand by the statement that it's a normal and mature response. Learning to say "No" was probably a big step for that guy.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2011): Thank you for your answers. Both of you are right! (:
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 October 2011):
 I think Odds is both absolutely right and absolutely wrong at the same time :).
Yes, it must have gone more or less how he describes. This guy's reaction is natural " Oh so I wasn't good then but I am good now, uh ? ...when all the others have dumped you or turned you down ? You did not jump at the offer then, you did not realize I am a great guy, you played hard to get,- and now , at your own time and convenience, you have decided "you are ready " ? Well, dearie, too bad- and too late , this train has passed you by ". He is the same person now as he was before, and from his point of view, if he was not good enough for you then, but he is now, there's something fishy .
But : this kind of reaction ,albeit expectable, IS ignorant and immature . If he takes rejection so badly and so personally, he has a big ego and a closed mind. Yes, a girl / or a man, CAN not be ready for you at X moment, and grow later to appreciate you. People change imperceptibly but continuously, they need different things at different stages of life - you could have been honestly not equipped at that time to deal with a serious relationship , and with the kind of person he is,- and have matured and changed. I hated caviar when I was a child, and I love it now many many years later . Should I be banned from the caviar shop because I could not appreciate it then ?....
Of course, I don't mean either that the guy should have been patiently and indefinitely waiting for you to change . He has cooled off , and this was expectable too, I guess.
But , it's only a case of bad timing !, he should not take it personally against you. There is no space for hatred and iciness and " glares ".
So, if this can be of any comfort to you, and help you get unstuck... probably it's for the best, I don't think this guy is so great and I doubt he'd made you happy. Too little empathy and maturity, an inflated yet frail and shaky sense of self...uhm. Some times, we need to thank for our unsanswered prayers :).
Now , be smart, and don't fall in the trap of craving something JUST because you can't have it !
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (26 October 2011):
It's not going to happen, I'm sorry. You get that part; but accepting it emotionally is another thing entirely.
You're not giving any details about him or yourself, so I'm going to have to make some guesses. Apologies in advance if I'm wrong.
There's nothing ignorant about his reaction. It's normal. There's a saying, "If the kitten didn't want me, I don't want the cat." He was probably one of those nice guys, reliable but maybe a bit boring? Or maybe he was attractive enough, but you wanted to have your fun before settling down? Men like that, we learn a thing or two, and our priorities change, too.
Let me try to explain his point of view - which, being an opinion, will probably not match what your opinion is, and both of those are probably a bit off from the truth. From women's point of view, sometime around their late twenties or early thirties they mature and grow up, and are ready for healthy relationships with this sort of man. But from a man's point of view, it's pretty cruel to be the ignored nice guy in your early twenties, then have the women who used to spurn you start liking you once they've "had their fun." In his mind, you haven't changed, you've just decided that you can get more out of him now than you can from others, and he feels like a relationship would be taking advantage of him.
Again, it doesn't matter whether his opinion matches yours, or even whether it's objectively true - it's all he has to go on. Attitudes like that become more concrete over time.
Hopefully that explanation will help you detach a bit.
The really cruel trick of it is that women tend to feel *more* attracted to guys who turn them down like this (I've seen it too many times to count, but still haven't quite figured out why it works that way). So in turning you down, he's only made you want him more, right? You have to start looking elsewhere. Fake it 'til you make it. If you act like you want to find another guy, you might just find him, or at least get your mind and emotions in the right state to move on.
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