A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:My ex bf would sexually abuse me all the time and sometimes emotionally abuse me. While we were going out, his best friend would talk to me often and say things that portrayed him as being a guy who sleeps around alot and just generally not a good guy. I didnt believe him though.Then we broke up and by that time I believed eveyrthing he said. I confronted my ex bf about the things his best friend said and he denied any of it being true. His best friend now denies saying anything bad about my ex bf. He says Im making it all up when I am not! Why would he do this? it frustrates me so much. No one believes me when I tell them that my ex was abusive. They look at me and think yeah right. They say 'how could that be possible? he is sooo nice, he couldnt hurt a fly. hes not like that. hes way too good to do something liek that'. The best friend keeps sending me messages and starting conversations with me about how my ex bf now has a new gf who is "perfect" for him. He say "shes so much more better for him then you, you were never right for him". He keeps saying that they are probably goin to get married one day as they are just that great together. This hurts me sooo much!! Although he was abusive, I wanted to be right for him. Do you think he treats his new gf the same as he treated me? I dont know how to deal with all of this.What do you think is going on with the friend and lieing like that? How do I deal with all of this? everyone speaks so highly of my ex bf, so mch that i start to believe he is like that even though he treated me badly. when people talk about him like that , i think im missing out on something so great.
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female
reader, SJ_ninety  +, writes (19 June 2008):
 Oh my god, I am going through almost the exact same thing right now. All you can really do is lose contact with ex-bf and his best friend. It's going to be hard (it's been hard for me), but eventually you will meet someone sooo much better (I have). Don't worry hon, things will get better in the long-run. :)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2008):
I think the longer you stay involved in this whole situation, the worse it is going to hurt you so you need to get away from him and his mates, and if they are both your mates, consider loosing them for your own sanity.
I know what you mean about wanting some kind of acknowledgement that you were the one who was hurt in the relationship, but whilst your ex remains manipulative you will always end up the bad guy no matter what you do. The best thing you can do is to give up trying to justify yourself to him, or to anyone that knows him. You need to have the strength that you don't need to explain it to anyone else because what matters is what you know is true. Your true friends, and hopefully your family are the ones who know you best, and the ones that matter. The more you try to get involved in him or his friends, the worse you will be portrayed and the more it will hurt you.
He will probably start out all sweet and nice with his new girlfriend, but his nasty side will come out again - you didn't cause him to be abusive, he was abusive because he has abusive tendencies. People only ever change negative behaviour when they realise what they are really doing, accept the truth and actually consciously decide to change. And only then, change happens slowly over time, bit by bit.
You have been treated badly and it is understandable that you may not have enough self confidence to know that it doesn't matter if no one else knows what he is really like. But you need to hold on to remembering that you are the one that knows what really went on, and that no manipulation, lies or stupid games will change that.
These things can take time to completely heal from, but as long as you remain in the company of either him, or friends that don't take your side of it, the further you are going to drag it on and continuously doubt yourself and feel the victim. Put a line through this and move forward, have nothing more to do with anyone that doesn't truly know you, and so seemingly doesn't know him either. In the short-term you might feel like you are the one who lost everything, but longer-term, you'll be so glad you took a stand and moved on with your life.
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