A
female
age
41-50,
*Jmomabear
writes:Am I being unfair or am I settling? I really can't decide. I feel that my fiance loves me they way I need to be loved, but not the way I WANT and crave to be loved. I know this has alot to do with the way my younger long-term x had sexualized me, but it was more then that. It was how he responded to me, the intensity he showed when he held me. Given he was also abusive...so I'm wondering just how realistic am I being about having my cake and eating it too? Are there any women out there who are with spouses who are supportive and fair, yet they are also madly in-love or do you always have to choose one or the other? I've never found both. There is one more thing to consider at this point. My daughter is already half way grown, and in my new relationship, I've found some stability for her. I dont want to go chasing a dream that may never happen, just to satisfy my own selfish needs when what we have here works..well accept for that part of me. I'm just filling that void with food now. But somewhere in my mind I'm thinking that is unhealthy and not of his fault either...Then again I think I give him the kind of love I want in return, but I'm not getting it back in the way I want it..Sorry, I'm just very confused.
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female
reader, NJmomabear +, writes (27 April 2007):
NJmomabear is verified as being by the original poster of the question Capt, you are absolutley right! I needed to make him chase me alot! I had forgotten all about that since I got spoiled by my x always showering me with his affection. So having to alter my behavior now seems like a form of having to work for it and girl like me shouldn't have to. I don't believe in using sex as a weapon. But lets just say I do...and i get the result that I want. Like do I have to keep doing this or can I ever be myself in this relationship. Am I in a relationship with a dog or a man?
I'm not talking about sex at all tho. Thats great. Its what doesn't happen when we aren't having sex. We also have different love styles. His is verbal, mine is physical. I'm beginning to think, that as good as things are otherwise, as lovers we have irreconciliable differences.
A
male
reader, Cag Lee "Apollo" Adarma  +, writes (27 April 2007):
 hey NJmomabear,I'm not a female, but am a guy so i'm going to rap with you about the MALE perspective.Everybody wants their cake and to eat it- thats what cake is for!with stability comes normality, with normality comes standardization. So you have to talk to each other about it. The love making, you say?Not neccessarily, sex is not about the act half the time (and if it is, thats probably the problem) as you said its about the intensity of him holding you and showing you that his desire for you has him uncontrollably dazed as his mind runs wild with ways he wants to pleasure you.Is your relationship over stable?what do you do on the weekends?Are you guys trying new things, not kinky stuff, just going to places and having some fun- do things that will let him see you in a different light, and you him.Try and be apart- not work and nights out with the girls- but just go and do something you enjoy without him- and share that with him.And when you both get in the mood- hold out.I don't mean say "no,not tonight,buddy" but toy with him- make him want it. Most of the time its the thrill of the chase that sparks a mans lust. It can happen too automatically in relationships and this is where the passion begins to dry up.As far as the relationship on a whole goes- if he's loving, compassionate, caring, trustworthy, respectful, good with your daughter and loves her like his own and makes you happy, sometimes (lol)- why mess with that?Try and make the most of it- its not easy and its not always what we want it to be -but if you can both work at life it makes a great aphrodisiac for love.PEACE and GOD BLESSThe Capt
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