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female
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anonymous
writes:ok, i been dating my bf for 5 years and 4 months ago he and some friends went to a club and i dont have a problem with that but i noticed he was often hiding his phone when i was around and one day i asked to see it, he said hold on and was deleting stuff. i asked and come to find out he met a girl at that club and they been talking for a month, he said they were just friends. I called her and she said he didnt say he had a gf and i asked him and he said she never asked! wtf? I'm trying to figure out what was his motives was he attempting to cheat? he say girls just treat you different when they know you have a girl but, c'mon i dont believe it! Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for the advice guys. i sat down and had a heart to heart talk to him about it told him how i would leave if he ever in his life do something like this again i wont even question it. i'll just leave on first note! of course i got alot of tears from him and all those kind of things not sure if it was game or not but.. hopefully it never happens again if so **im gone**! appreciate every ones advice!
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2008): Your man is being dishonest with you and it's making you upset. You need to sit down with him and to get him too speak honestly with you. If he can't do that than you've got a problem. If he's serious about your relationship he wouldn't be thinking about fooling around. Sure, we all love attention from the opposite sex, it makes us feel desirable but when you're in a committed relationship we don't text other men/women because we don't want to lose the special person we've already got.
You've been with him for a long time and its understandable that you don't want to let him go but maybe this is a sign that you're drifting apart, that you may not want the same things anymore. If he loves you, he'll be honest once you make him realise that you are serious in your worries. Remember not to beg but to lay the issue straight on the table. Don't be afraid of losing him because if you do than this relationship wasn't supposed to last forever. The man that loves you isn't going to do these dishonest things to you.
Good Luck!
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female
reader, pashanoodle  +, writes (15 October 2008):
 DANGER!!! Sorry honey but this is a BIG RED FLAG....you can't ignore this!
Your BF may not have actually "cheated" but his behaviour is indicative of being vulnerable to do it - and probably as soon as the opportunity arises from what you describe.
Alot of literature on 'cheaters' talks about a pattern of behaviour leading up to the actual act of infidelity. This might include checking out girls with his mates, developing a crush on someone else, flirting 'harmlessly' with someone, it might move into spending alot of time with some friend of the opposite sex, perhaps being a shoulder for them to lean on...that kind of thing. During this, alot of potential cheaters are aware they are getting enjoyment from this attention etc, but don;t feel they have crossed the line - the problem is that as this type of behaviour continues over time it actually erodes their conscience....SO, they become increasingly vulnerable to taking that next step...which might be a dirty pash at some club, a one night stand OR a full blown affair.
I think what you describe is your B/F well and truly on the path to cheating.
HE is the only one who can address this. He needs to acknowledge his vulnerability and his desire for someone else's attention (I mean, come on...how was he wanting this other girl to treat him for him to not mention you??) and if he truly is commited to your relationship he should take steps to address this issue (seek professional support) before it is too late. Once the trust is broken it is VERY hard to get it back...sometimes not possible at all.
But equally, you need to be realistic. So many of the injured parties in these things IGNORE the obvious signs, because it is too painful and difficult to face. You know what he has told you about this is FISHY...you are trying to convince yourself it's harmless but it's not - and on some level you know that. Trust your gut on this - and be very clear that this is NOT OK. You deserve better than this.
You and he need to have a serious discussion - and you need to be prepared to get rid of him if he continues this behaviour.
Harsh...but hopefully helpful.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, xelax  +, writes (14 October 2008):
You're right not to believe him, if i was you i wouldnt of let him go clubbing on his own, im not saying keep him locked up but come on clubbing its the number one place to meet people. If that was my boyfriend it would of so been over! he attempted to cheat if you didnt catch him out he so would of!!
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