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I'm gay and in love with a straight guy!

Tagged as: Gay relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (11 December 2008) 13 Answers - (Newest, 24 June 2010)
A male United Kingdom age 26-29, *lynn writes:

Hey Everyone,

I am a gay man and all my friends know. I currently am living with a straight mate, but I have recently fallen in love with him and not telling him is driving me crazy. He has a girlfriend who he has been seeing for 3 years and I get along with her too.

Last week his parents came to stay with us (they live abroad) and I offered them my bed, so I stayed in mates bed and he camped on floor in same room. During the night I heard him masturbating and it made me horny, so I did too. The weird thing is he must have heard me but didn't stop. I went to touch him and he was 'asleep' but I kept on going. Then I chickened out and left it. About 5 mins later he went downstairs and came back. I am really confused he must have known. Help! I really should tell him but can't and I don;t want to ruin his relationship because of my feelings.

View related questions: has a girlfriend, horny

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A male reader, Tombabe South Africa +, writes (24 June 2010):

It is cul do it

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2010):

I think that if u love him so much, go 4 it! If you're good friends with him, there's nothing to worry about. I've had the same experience, and I was rejected, but we still get along, and he was nice about it. But you could be his boyfriend.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2010):

I currently play an online game and here I met someone that at first thought it was the rudest person but then I started to feel incredibly attracted to him that I can get him out of my mind. We talk almost everyday on skype and he is just very nice to me. I know he is straight but I do think there is something there, maybe he is just afraid to admit he is attracted to guys or maybe it is my imagination because of how nice he is. I recently made the decision and told him how I felt and how much he means to me, it is crazy I know because on how I met him but he is the nicest guy. Looking at some things he is in a way what I look in a person. He told me he was flattered and I was a very nice guy and he was not. But even though I know nothing can happen between us and I told him that, I feel such an affection for him that drives me crazy. We are still very good friends and even though I told him what would I get out of it if he lives so far he reply well I only live 8hrs away. Why do we traumatize ourselves with things like this.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2010):

You should just ask him about that night and be honest, and if he doesnt seem interested, then you should turst him about his sexuality. But if he is secretly gay, you have to keep it secret, otherwise his girlfriend may think hes cheating on her.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2010):

i say you sould not tell him because one he mite not feel the same way about you.two he mite move out andd you mite never see him again.three if you dont take my advice then tell over a text or email.:D

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A male reader, xxjameswxx United Kingdom +, writes (9 June 2009):

xxjameswxx agony auntSame here. I have also fallen for a straight guy. I don't want to tell him incase i loose him as a friend, but at the same time im sure he knows i like him. All too confusing!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2009):

Hey! I'm glad you are moving on! But I still think this guy knew you were awake, and I think he is atleast bi-curious! I have been with women and men, and I think if I did something like that, I would have a purpose!

But still, according to other posters, guys do that. So, what do I know. It's best that you move on and if anything happens between you and this guy, Good For You!

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A male reader, glynn United Kingdom +, writes (10 January 2009):

glynn is verified as being by the original poster of the question


Thanks for all your replies. I am pleased that your all as confused as I am. Time for an update, I have not said anything to him and I have been trying to meet other people. (which aint going well). I have tried to work over at work so I don't see as much of him and I feel much better. Hopefully I just need someone to take my mind of him. Will keep you posted!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2008):

Some of you don't understand the whole masturbation thing. Many guys (not all) don't have a problem with cranking one out in front of another guy. They do it watching porn, they do it sleeping in the dark. He probably thought his roommate was sleep and thought he could jerk off without him hearing. That's happened to me before.

I too am in the same situation being in love with a straight guy (for the 3rd time in my life!). The first time was so incredible and he deliberate jerked off in front of me knowing I was watching. He screwed just about every girl in town and that used to piss me off. I loved him and eventually had (forced) an experience with him. He broke down a couple of years later and told me that he enjoyed it. The experience obviously had an effect on him.

The second love of my life was with an ultra jock who also prided himself in how many chicks he slept with. He always wanted me to sleep over. He also liked to "play gay" in public just to get laughs. He didn't know how much I actually meant it.

The 3rd time is happening now with a hetero homophobe at work. He's stunningly beautiful and knows I am attracted to him. He will not speak to me or look my way and if I nearly bump into him in the hallway he will jump out of the way so fast as if he were dodging a bullet.

I must say as enjoyable it is and as much an adrenaline rush you can get from a straight guy, it is not worth putting your life on hold trying to get someone to love you that just won't. My therapist told me that it is out of fear and self rejection that a person puts all their affection and energy toward someone they know they can't have because they are afraid of a real relationship and/or rejection from someone that they could possibly have. So people like this put their focus on something that they know will never happen so that way they will never have to deal with the pain of a real relationship.

It may or may not be true but I do know that anytime I find myself attracted to someone, it turns out that the guy is straight.

If I were you I would cut my losses, speak up and tell him the deal and see where you stand. If it works, great. If not then move on and let him go.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2008):

I'm in the same boat as you, all though I have gone a bit futher. My room mate and Have messed around a few times, but he does have a girl friend and says he is straight. He knows that I have feelings for him, all though I havent used the "love" word. I really think I screwed up by putting myself in this position. I really like the time we spend together, but it hurts every time he is with his girl friend. I really just want to be with him and not just be the secret that he keeps.

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A female reader, Twilight#1 United States +, writes (11 December 2008):

Twilight#1 agony auntI think your current situation is simply awful. Also confusing. Why would a straight man masturbate in the presence of a gay man? He might be bi-curious. However he is currently involved with a women that you know and like. That is a problem. My advice is to talk to your roommate. Its REALLY weird what happened that night. I think you should tell him that you have feelings for him. Maybe you shouldn't mention 'love' but do tell him that you do 'care for him'. I would be going crazy for answers if I was in your situation.

It could be nothing, all in your head. However, I'm pretty sure he knows your gay... since after all you do live with each other. HIM masturbating in the room while your there is still stumping me. Why would he do that? Masturbation is so private. Were you guys right next to each other? Side by Side. Or Across the room? So strange.

I would ask.... BUT it can possibly ruin your friendship... but then again the curiosity will eat you alive.

I hope I helped

Christine ^.^

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A male reader, Danielepew Mexico +, writes (11 December 2008):

Danielepew agony auntDisclaimer: I am straight and I don't like to be approached by gays.

In a nutshell: make sure you're not seeing what you want to see.

This seems to me one of those cases when you wish there was more. You're in love, and you wish he would reciprocate. Since he is straight, or passes for one, the chances that will happen are from nil to very low. The chances that he wouldn't like you to come on him go from very high to high. Do you want to take that chance? If you do and it goes as you expect, then you will have someone. If it doesn't, then you lose the friend.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2008):

Wow! That's confusing! Does He know you are gay? If he does, why would he do that unless he is curious? But yet he has had a girlfriend for 3 years. Is he faithful to his girl? I don't see a straight guy doing that in the presence of a gay guy. You know how homophobic most straight guys are! I think the key here is whether he knows you are gay, and whether he cheats on his girlfriend. If he does know, it sounds as though he was coming on to you. I could be totally off base here but as I said this is very confusing!

Keep us posted, and if you can, answer those two questions for me!

Obviously if you pursue this, someone is going to get hurt, I just can't figure out who!!!!

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