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I'm 15 in one month and I'm with someone that's only just 25 is there anything wrong with that?

Tagged as: Age differences<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 April 2007) 12 Answers - (Newest, 7 May 2007)
A female United Kingdom age 22-25, *he-emo-within writes:

I'm 15 in one month and I'm with someong that's only just 25 is there anything wrong with that?

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A female reader, penta United States +, writes (7 May 2007):

penta agony auntThere is a chance that Mr. 25 year old is a great guy. It happened to deejuliet and she's very happy; so it obviously does happen. It's also possible that Mr. 25 year old is a creepy guy who likes little girls. The questions that I posed were to find out the difference.

To the original poster: please be very careful. I do think it's wrong right now, and unless your guy is willing to wait for you, I would leave him without a second thought. In a few years, if he still wants to be with you, you can have your happy ending just like deejuliet. But for now, I'd wait.

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A female reader, Just a Girl... United Kingdom +, writes (1 May 2007):

Just a Girl... agony aunthey huni

im 16 and in year 11, my boyfriend is 25 so i believe me i know the added baggage that comes along with an age gap.

firstly, i gotta say to all those people telling you its sick n stuff, i undersatand that it is difficault to accept but once feelings are involved in any relationship (No matter the ages) digits become very small compared to the actual feelings.

huni, as long as you feel that this guy is really genuine in his feelings for you and you dont feel like he has other motives, then how can anyone stop you.

Just be prepared for the critics out there who only see things on face value n dnt stop to see the people behind the ages.

gud luck huni xxx

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2007):

And to answer an anon email, unless s/he doesn't mind to be named - YES, there is a chance that the 25 year old man is a pedophile, but there is also a chance that a large meteor is coming towards Earth as I type these last few words out. I totally agree to the person who emailed me telling me that there is a chance that Mr. 25 is a pedophile, but we don't know that, and it's fine to give Ms. 13-15 some precautions that there are indeed strange and disgusting men and women out there. However, even if the possibility is there, if we assume that every older man or woman is a pedophile, then wouldn't it be even more wrong for us as volunteer Agony Aunts and Uncles to give such paranoia perspectives?

The thing is to Anon-Emailer who suggested that my advice was and is terrible, actually, I didn't give her advice. I gave her perspective. Whether she chooses to side with that perspective or not, is ultimately up to her. Every time a poster makes an unyielding comment such as "He's disgusting! Pedo! Stay away from that gross man! He's so much older, you're so young! Get someone your own age!" - every time, I think "Well, that doesn't say much. SO when someone like Penta posts up a viable comment with viable questions, more often than not, I would like to give the question asker a different perspective.

YES, he COULD be a pedophile, but with the information Ms. 13-15 has given us, why are we jumping to that conclusion? It's like saying a person who owns a gun will have the tendency to kill another human being. YES, the possibility is there, but by assuming that every gun owner is a possible murderer is well, morally wrong.

Back to Anon-Emailer, if s/he were to give advice here, suggesting that Mr. 25 is a pedophile from the start, then we wouldn't quite have this debate where my perspective is supposedly "terrible advice". I might actually not even have replied at all.

Lastly, back to Ms. 13-15, I gave you another perspective to Penta's comments. She's not generally wrong, though I do disagree in the absolute sense. I don't believe in black and white issues, especially pertaining to his sort of 'worry'. However, to even out this 'debate' and my supposed "terrible advice", the only real and best advice to give you IMO is that you SHOULD be careful. Then again, you should ALWAYS be careful.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2007):

Penta, I have a habit of leaving out details. I didn't disagree that people can change more drastically at a younger transition than at an older transition when people are more unstabilized in their youths. I've been there, so I'm sure I would notice that change from teen to post-teen and beyond.

The thing I disagreed with was not personal growth and change but the mental maturity of the individuals at their respective ages. If Ms. 13-15 ages to 16, 17, 18, 19 and beyond realizes that she no longer has the same desires for that 25, 26, 27, 28+ year old as the years come and go, then that's just her personal characteristics changing with the times. This is apparent in all relationships where some people upgrade themselves and others grow stagnant.

Through various experiences directly and indirectly, your comment about "And if a 25 year old doesn't want her mother to meet her 55 year old boyfriend, then perhaps she's not proud enough of him? If I were the 55 year old I'd be insulted" differs from person to person. If you feel insulted, then that's you. I'm sure a lot of people would feel the same way as well, but not everyone.

Also about your other comment "If you don't feel strongly enough about him to want to introduce him to your family or your friends, then you probably don't need to be around him." - Have you ever thought that people who date don't automatically translate to having an automatic strong relationship? Just like love - just because you start dating, holding hands, and hanging out with each other more, it doesn't necessarily translate to being automatically in love. Things like this take time.

If Ms. 13-15 over time feel that the 25+ year old man isn't the one for her, then that is a choice that she has grown into and learned for herself. If at the youthful age of 15, she feels as though that 25 year old is right for her, then that is the feeling she is accustomed to at the moment. These same factors hold true in other age groups and other partnerships.

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A female reader, penta United States +, writes (30 April 2007):

penta agony auntmartini has completely missed my points, and I would like a chance to rebut.

The age difference between 15/25 and 25/55 are TOTALLY DIFFERENT. (And I don't mean the math.) Everyone changes drastically between the ages of 15 and 18, again between 18 and 22, and even a little between 22 and 25. Think about the person you were only a few years ago at 12. Would YOU want to date someone that age? Aren't you light years ahead of where you were then? Apply this to your relationship now. You and he are in very different parts of your life. And though 10 years isn't much later, it's a lot right now.

(And if a 25 year old doesn't want her mother to meet her 55 year old boyfriend, then perhaps she's not proud enough of him? If I were the 55 year old I'd be insulted.)

Also, if the guy is a pedophile (slight possibility), he's not going to want to meet ANYONE. If you don't feel strongly enough about him to want to introduce him to your family or your friends, then you probably don't need to be around him. And if he's trying to hide you from anyone he knows, then he'll never treat you with the respect you deserve. If you want to find out whether this relationship is okay, you don't want to keep it in the dark.

As for your friends and his -- when I was 19 I dated a 29 year old (my mother even liked him). We were great together. But he didn't feel comfortable around my friends, and I didn't feel good around his either. It put a strain on our relationship that might not have been there if we were closer in age. It's something to take into consideration, unless you want to be a hermit and never see your friends again or let him see his.

I think you should look at the questions the way I meant them, and ask your boyfriend how he would answer them. His answers will let you know whether this relationship is worth waiting for.

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A female reader, deejuliet United States +, writes (30 April 2007):

deejuliet agony auntI met my current boyfriend when I was 13 and he was 20. We were both very interested in each other. He was my first kiss. However my parents put a stop to the romantic relationship because of the age differance and they were right to do so. I do not have any complaints or bitterness about that. They were doing their jobs as parents and a 7 year age differance at that young age is really just too much. Your age differance is even greater - over 10 years! Now that we are older the age differance is meaningless and we have reconnected and have been together over 2 years. So to answer your question. Do I think there is a problem now? Yes, I do. Do I think that means he is horrible and a pedophile and you should never be with him? Not necessarily. But I do think you should wait untill you are a little older to find out.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2007):

Ms. 13-15 Question Poster, I would like to give you another perspective of Penta's questions:

1) The same can be applied in reverse. Would a 25 year old woman be comfortable introducing her 55 year old man to her parents?

2) This one agree with totally. There are other reasons aside from legality that you should abstain from sex until your body has matured more. Half of the reasons has to do with doing more harm to your body than good.

3) I don't wholely agree with this question. The reverse can be applied here as well. I have a female friend who is 24 and she dated a 47 year old man. Though she didn't have a problem introducing him to her closer friends, she didn't introduce him to anyone else - casual friends, co-workers, and even to her parents for a long time. There are factors here that make this possibly unacceptable in other people's eyes. Even my aunt whom is 27 this year with my uncle who is 51 this year had unyielding gossip behind their backs. Fortunately, they have the support of their families and friends.

4) This also depends. Who are your friends? Do YOU feel comfortable with your friends enough to introduce your man to them and vice versa? For example, I had an intimate relationship with a 25 year old woman when I was barely 22 for awhile. We weren't comfortable introducing each other as our partner to our friends and family due to non-age related factors. However, I'm sure she did feel a bit uncomfortable going out with someone who was younger than her as well. The thing is though, only a hand-ful of my friends and my family knew about her. I don't like making my relationships so open to the public. It's all about personal style and tastes, etc.

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A female reader, penta United States +, writes (30 April 2007):

penta agony auntUnless you can answer "yes" to the following questions, then yes, there's something wrong here:

(1) Can you introduce this person to your parents as "my boyfriend" without them flipping out? And is he willing to be introduced to your parents?

(2) Is your boyfriend okay with abstaining from sex for at least a year, preferably longer? (Age of consent in my state is 18 -- I don't know your country's age, but it's at least 16. There are other reasons, too.)

(3) Is your boyfriend okay introducing you to his friends as his girlfriend? (If he wants to hide you, he's a jerk. Run.)

(4) Do you feel okay having him hang around your friends? Is he willing to hang around with you and your friends?

Unless you can say yes to these questions, I think there's a problem with the age difference.

You will change so much between now and your 25th birthday -- you're learning what you like and what you want and who you want to be. The power difference between you and him is HUGE (he has it and you don't yet). Please be very careful.

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A female reader, suzannean United Kingdom +, writes (30 April 2007):

If you believe this is right then so be it... I'm 20 and my boyfriend is 36 and were happy together. You can make it work if you want it to. I understand exactly where you're coming from and at first wondered what people would think about me but everyone loves him now they know him.

x

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A female reader, michelle000 United States +, writes (30 April 2007):

I understand that when it comes to age it is just a number. Sometimes people can be more mature than there suppose to be, but he still is 25. That's 10 years. My parents are 10 years apart, but my mom was 18. I think the 25 year old should be a little concerned about being with a 15 year old.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2007):

Like Earth Angel, I don't believe there is anything wrong with this, and I also recognize mental maturity levels as opposed to age solely. Often, people do not see that just because someone is older, it doesn't necessarily translate that the person's mentality corresponds with their age - whatever that really means, and how they formulate a base for this is beyond me.

Mental maturity differs so broadly. Eg: my cousin's uncle is in his late 30's but has the mental maturity of a typical mid teen who likes to gross out girls and make rather demented comments about anything from stinky toes to boogers. However, say my cousin who is 19 seems like she has the mental maturity of a mid 20's who has seen the world twice over since her early teens. So with this said, would you say that a 'typical' 19 year old boy who may not have a developed mentality be suitable for someone who has such a strong personality like her, or a 25 year old man may possibly appreciate the maturity level of a 15 year old - possibly for her potential and current interests, and curiosities, etc.

Before people scream out foul and pedophile, people should really open their eyes and look deeper than surface 'details'. I know equally as many 32 to 55 year old women and men who have unrefined mentalities as their youthful counterparts.

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A female reader, earth angel United Kingdom +, writes (30 April 2007):

earth angel agony auntit's not about right or wrong. However if you were to become sexually involved with this man then he would be commiting an offence as you have to be sixteen.

it is understandable that young girls are attracted to older men for lots of different reasons. maybe you could think of what interests you to this man.

men sometimes mature later than girls and this may be this mans case and so he is attracted to someone younger than him.

are you're parents aware of this relationship? it may help to talk it through with an adult.

how well do you knkow this man? this ususally makes a difference.

if he respects you and treats you well that is the most important thing i believe in a relationship.

you will make your own choice in this matter i do advise you to be careful and not rush into anything.

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