A
female
age
30-35,
*tella19
writes:I'm 7 months pregnant my boyfriend and I have since split up it live in the same apt I'm trying to find a new place. He has a daughter from a previous relationship. I want to give the child up for adoption I just think he would have a better life. My ex said he would fight me for it. He's drinks too much and does drugs etc not a good set up. Today I saw him filling out acknowlagement of paternaty papers for his 4 year old daughter . I think he's up to something. Any advice
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drugs, my ex, split up Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Allie91  +, writes (25 November 2009):
Stella,
i was just reading your post and thought it was rude how this AshleyJoe person shared her opinion. Like yourself im pregnant aswell and i am young. I'm only 18years old. The father is my boyfriend of 4 & 1/2 years and he isn't taking it seriously. DON'T listen to what people tell you. you go with what your heart feels. I hope all is well with you & your child (i would guess he/she is born by now). And hopefully you are doing okay. Kepp your head up and don't worry about anything. Life will seem hard, but everything will work out for the best.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2009): Hi, I understand exactly what you're going through, exactly the same thing happened to me when I fell pregnant and the father was not there for me. I unfortunately miscarried and would can not adopt and I would be willing to help if you want me to. xx
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A
female
reader, kiki31 +, writes (11 May 2009):
are you still trying to give your child up for adoption? Have you found a family to adopt your child yet?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2009): hey I was in a situation like that befor , im 24 now but i got pregnant when i was 16, not to smart but things happen right, my sons father was no good and wanted me to abort, that was not even going to happen, I thought of adoption but was to scared to go though with it. So i had my son and let me tell you it was a very hard road, alot of things you have to think about your education, childs future,your future some people may say giving up your baby is cruel selfish and you will regret it, I dont fully know your situation and i could never tell you what is best for you but unless your family is wealthy you and your child will have a long road to success,it's not easy going through college with a baby,im not saying its imppossible but is very hard, you can do anything you put your mind to it's possible! good luck on your decision and dont let anybody tell you what to do it is your life, you have to live it they dont,
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2009): Adoption is not the solution as he still has paternal rights and will need to give consent for you to surrender the baby for adoption.
Adoption is a life-long process of which you will regret having given up your child and the child will have rejection issues their entire life. Ask any birthmother or adoptee that is not in denial about adoption issues. Most likely you will suffer from depression, PTSD, etc, same with your child from the separation.
If you don't believe this is true, read Primal Wound from Nancy Newton Verrier. You are not doing the best for you or your child as the industry will say. They don't tell you of the consequences. I would suggest think long and hard before you surrender your child, as it's not so clear cut.... I'm an adoptee and specialize in the area of adoption...so professionally and personally I can share with you some insights.
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A
female
reader, jessica04 +, writes (25 March 2009):
 Stella, I think it is commendable that you are thinking about your unborn child in such a selfless way.
I wish all too often that young women in less than ideal circumstances would put their babies up for adoption. There are so many hopeful parents out there clamoring for the chance to be a good parent. Do not listen to AshleyJoe. You aren't asking other people to take care of your "mistake", they are doing it willingly if they adopt.
Please continue. I urge you to seek legal advice. Please, even if there is a cost to it, please find legal help to assure that this man never gets a hold of this baby if he truly is as bad as you say.
And AshleyJoe, why would she have to pay child support? Please explain to me how that works out? Often, it is the father paying for the child since it is extremely rare to take infants and children from their mother's custody. So if she is caring for a baby 24/7, how on earth would she be paying child support to an alleged deadbeat?
Educate yourself and look at all angles. We are here to help people and have no room for excessive negativity and belligerence. If you came to this site to mock and belittle people, then take that drama to myspace, but not here to a forum of troubled souls seeking advice.
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A
female
reader, salvadda +, writes (25 March 2009):
 Like I said Stella don't let people get to you. For the person regarding *dogs & fleas* No guts to leave a leave a name, because they know it is of no value to show how uneducated they are. It wasn't even worth the 2 cents they think they left in here. You will encounter people such as this.
Don't allow anyone to add any more stress,or hurt that I'm sure you are feeling now.
Try to let go and call it insensitive, emote, glib thoughts.
My best tc
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A
female
reader, Ashleyjoe +, writes (25 March 2009):
 let.him be a father he obviously wants his kid. there for he must be a good father. you dont want to be a mother. grow up take responsibility for your life! its not somone elses problem to take care of your mistake. You should of never opened your legs. there is your advice! i think the first comment is right! no wonder the economy is so messed up! its because of people like you!your kid deserves a better mom than that anyways!like i said. you probly are makin up the crap about the father just because you dont want to pay child support. and hidE the fact that you made this happen.you dont want to be asked by a young child"mommy why did'nt you want me? Was i not good anough?was i bad?What did i do?Mommy i love you!"
your very gross!
what a shame to the world.
What if you mom would of gave you up?
Stop opening your legs!
Take responsibility for your actions.
You a disgrace MOMMY!
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A
female
reader, salvadda +, writes (25 March 2009):
Dear Stella, you are right to worry about your child's position, regarding the father. By what you have stated it is not a good situation for any child. I feel if your the father is filing acknowlagement of paternaty papers I would take this time to perpare for your situation.
If you can are able I would start to document when/where your b/f is doing drugs. What drugs he does, who he may get drugs from. Try to know how much he drinks, where he goes to buy his alcohol, because you may need statements form the store clerk later. You need time and dates if you can be able to provide them. This is very important for the furture of your child, if things get nasty in court.
At this time if you are CERTAIN of the things you say he is doing with his daughter in his care you MUST call child protective services and report this also. They must by law investicate any concerns that are called in.
If all this is true and proven it will be of great value to the health and welware of the children.
I will say strongly...All that you have said must be proven before you call anyone to investigate. If you can not prove this he your b/f can use it against you. He can say that you are being spiteful, hateful, and lier. I would be very careful because I have seen this happen before.
In a court the judge wants evidience not just your word. If you provide all this the judge will put everything on hold until it is resolved.
This may mean he may take his daughter and place her in a foster home till the trail is over. It also may mean that when your child is born it will so happen to him also. If nothing is proven it can very well be that the judge will give this man his daughter back, if nothing is proven. Not only so with your child, unless you state you do not want to raise him, then also the judge he will be able to have your child given to your b/f also, only if you choose not to raise him yourself.
I would also suggest that you talk to your doctor about the situation so that you can also show your concern, not only for your child, but for your b/f's child also.
This would also help the situation regarding his daughter. You can show that your concern is real, not only for your child, but for the one he has now. It will be very good to have statements from a perfessional stating that you were concerned over the health and welware of both children.
I would suggest you do start to get informations to not only protect the children but yourself also, against anything he may say towards you.
About given up your child. I would never tell you what to do. I will however give you something to think about as I have in past with other women is your situation.
I suggest if you haven't already to talk with a professional about giving up your child. This will also include a doctor as well as a conslor.
I'm sure you have given it much thought. I also know your motives are for your child having better life. I don't know you, but I will say by your letter your are geniune in your caring for your child and the one that your b/f has.
I don't know your true reason for giving up your child. In the past I hear mother's say it is because I can't afford the child. I will put this thought to rest. You can love a child even if you are not as fortunate as others speaking of material or money wise. It may be that you feel you are not fit to be mother...to much *stress* not knowing how to *care* about your child. Being *afraid* or *unsure* of yourself. These things are very normal for the first time mom to worry about. In this day and age not so for the past we are very fortunate to have classes we can go to. If you speak to a doctor he/she will inform you of such classes and most here in Can. are free. I would strongly suggest for any first time to take them to ease their mind and get them ready for the baby. It would also help if you have support from family members, such as a mother, aunts, friends with children and so on. I feel some young/new mothers sometimes do not recieve all the education that is out there for them before they make this decision. Either way the most important thing for mother to know/have is love.
I am not saying if you give up the child it does not mean you don't love it. I have heard from women in your position and I do believe it, that the main reason is that they love their child and want whats best for it. Don't ever let anyone tell you that if you give up your child, if that is what you choose to do that it means you don't love the child. Most ppl who never been in your situation can not understand the stress, hurt, pain, and also come to deal with the fact that it is a dicision of love that at times the mother feels she is making in hopes of the child having a better life.
I will give you something to think about, without wanting to change your mind. I have also seen over time the out come of giving up children. At times the mother will feel very guilty about it. It will also be something that the mother will always think about. I find mostly on the birthday of the child. Where the child is, how the child is doing, who/what the child looks like, how the child is doing is school, and when you get older if the child is married, if you have grandchildren and so on. I have in my past heard and seen this many times. Again I am not swaying you to change your mind, only giving thoughts that maybe you have not thought about.
I hope that whatever your decision is it will work out for you. I truely mean this.
Also in closing I would ask you to please think about what I wrote in the 1/2nd paragraphs. If you are worried about your b/f going/taking you to court please try to be perpared.
I hope some of this has helped and I DO wish you the very best of luck.
One last thought try not feel bad about yourself if you hear negitive things regarding your situation. Remember what I said. Not all people understand, and some may just be a judgement toward you.
Take care
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A
female
reader, wonderingcat  +, writes (25 March 2009):
 In addition to Jessica's suggestion, take a notebook (or a journal/diary) and write down all the things that you think will help your case in proving that he is an unfit father material. Make sure that all the things that you write will be easily verified, at any time. Drug tests can be done easily. Excessive drinking can be verified from slips of alcohol purchase, or bartenders/shopkeepers statements on his frequent visits, as well as neighbours testament on his drunken disturbance for instance. So when you talk to the social services people, you will have your prepared statements or proofs.
At the same time, go to a local support group to learn from them how to cope with losing your child from adoption. Also ask them to explain to you the various adoption options. List their pros and cons so you will be very well informed before you make your final decision on the choice of adoption process/approach.
You will make some parents very happy with your child. And your child, if s/he ever discover the condition why s/he was given away, will be so much grateful to you for allowing her/him to have a better life with parents who want nothing but the best for their child.
Keep safe and be healthy (both you and your baby)
Cat
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A
male
reader, Jason means Healer +, writes (25 March 2009):
Well, if you try too hard you might overstretch yourself and sacrifice yourself at the altar of your baby.
But if you don't try then you risk self-resentment because you never know how much of a go of it you might have made.
One thing is for sure, you don't need all these hastles when your having a baby so I pray you find a niche where you can hide in a crag in the rocks away from the weather.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, stella19 +, writes (25 March 2009):
stella19 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't appreciate someone with horrible grammar telling me I shouldn't "make kids". Learn how to type or speak English properly before you post something negative all I asked for was advice not ghetto ness.
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A
female
reader, jessica04 +, writes (25 March 2009):
Talk to a family services lawyer about your rights as the mother.
If he is signing papers for his daughter, it probably means he is trying to get partial custody of her to show that he should also have custody of this child. However, he still has to argue for custody for her, and if his ex asks for any drug tests to be done and he fails, it can be used against him. Sounds more like he jsut signed himself up for child support payments.
Check your state's adoption laws (should be free on the internet to see). Some states have strong father's rights laws. But putting your baby up for adoption may be as simple as not putting his name on the birth certificate and having social services take the baby right away, if you tell them you don't know who the father is.
Also, a local woman's shelter can refer you, or your closest welfare office will be able to set you up with a social worker.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2009): You laid down with a dog now you got fleas. Sounds like you just Another baby mother; you cant make that decision for him. If he does drugs and drink why you stayed with him. People like you and him should never make kids.
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