A
male
age
51-59,
*hewie
writes:I have been married for close to 12 years now. After a month of being married my wife tells me of her past relationship and that she had an abortion, but she would not reveal the name of the guy. She was extremely upset and she thought I needed to know. Also she was fearful that I would leave her. I told her it was long before me and that I was sorry she had to go thru that. 11 years later it was never mentioned again. Here in the last 3 months we started to rekindle our relationship and were acting like we were dating again. We couldn't keep our hands off each other. She started to ask me questions of my past and I told her some stuff and with who. It was like a turn on to her so I thought I would ask her questions about her past since it seemed like the cool thing to do. Well she told me who she had been with and I put it together who she had the abortion with. It was a guy I went to school with and basically your straight up dead beat guy. It was a shock that she would find this guy remotely attractive even though this happened 17+ years ago. Then I realize this guy has a daughter in my son's kindergarden class. So now looks like I got to see this individual for the next 12 years. I am having a hard time dealing with this and I have brought it up to my wife and it hasn't been pretty. I want to get myself back to 11 years prior when I didn't care or think about my wife's past. How do I get myself there? I know what's in the past is in the past. I realized my wife had a past before me and so did I. I think the biggest issue is that I had a standard for my wife, and now that I realized she had a relationship with this less than standared individual that has changed my attitude towards her. This is a double edge sword and my wife can easily throw some of my past relations that I had poor judgemnet in my face. How do I get myself back??
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2009): Of course everyone says "it shouldn't matter." You already know that it shouldn't matter, but the problem is that it does matter anyway. Emotions don't obey logic for men any more than they do for women. The best thing you can do is focus on how the woman you are married to right now is someone else. Focus on the fact that she would not make the same choice if she was back there again for the first time today. Not just because she learned the hard way, but also because the person that she is has a different set of values than she used to. That same man would not have a chance in hell of getting with your wife today even if you were dead and gone.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2009): I would have to agree. Let sleeping dogs lie.
She trusted you enough to let you into a pretty traumatizing event (or so I think) in her life. Don't make her recoil that trust because you can't let go. Evidentally she made a decision that she's struggling with from a long time ago. And like you said in your post-you have some skeletons in your closet that she could bring up too.
If you love your wife unconditionally, you really need to make the decision to overlook a decision that she made long before you were in the picture as her husband.
"For better, for worse."
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2009): all you need to remember is that your wife spent time with this man so long ago, but she did not stay with him. That speaks volumes. she chose you and had a child with you. any feelings she may have had for that man then will most certainly be extinguished now. We all make mistakes that we are not proud of, please put this where it belongs, in the past. Seeing this guy at the kindergarten should not be an issue, he has his own child and partner (i assume) and i doubt very much he is living in the past.
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