A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been in this relationship for almost 2 years. And we have been living together for almost 1 1/2 years. He is a great guy; loyal, caring, trusting, respectful, same values, kind, and I know he would make a good husband and father. He will always stand by me, love me and take care of me. I want these things but I also want more - I want someone that I have a deeper connection with. Someone that I am crazy for and give me butterflies. He doesn't really excite me, challenge me or make me a better person. (you know the saying; your partner makes you a better person)He is not an affectionate guy, does not like giving PDA, does not compliment, and never communicates his feeling for me. Its like pulling teeth to get him to do these things for me, or we just start arguing because he does not want to. I often find our relationship safe, comfortable/routine and a bit boring. Being a romantic dreamer, this bothers me pretty often.Movies, TV shows, music all paint a beautiful picture of LOVE and what being inlove should be like. I want that fantasy tale, that beautiful love story and I am no where near it! Sometimes I feel like if I stay with my boyfriend, I'd be "settling". I read, when you really love someone you're ready to do whatever it takes to make it work without second-guessing. Well I am willing to do that in this relationship, but I find myself sometimes wondering am I in love or am I just comfortable? But I am willing to do anything it takes. I do like spending time with him, I'm just not giddy about it. I've looked at other relationships and thought - I should be that happy/I want that. I am jealous of others when I see people being affectionate with each other. I truly care for him, and can picture him as my husband and the father of my kids. But I can also picture a life without him. Well more of a life with the things that I want and how I want the guy to make me feel. My boyfriend has almost all the qualities I am looking for (and believe me I have high standards) but I just feel very confused. How do you know when your settling? Is there really the right one or you grow together and become right for each other?
View related questions:
jealous Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2010): You only have this one life. Follow your gut feelings. These murmurs will only get louder. If you are feeling a disquiet now, imagine how you will feel with him at 40, when it's too late to start over, and your path has been set...
A
female
reader, Philosophyzer  +, writes (29 September 2010):
 There is a reason why novels and movies are called fiction! Those are idealized versions of how human life is lived and how we interact with one another. This isn't always reality. However, butterflies and sparks are out there. Sometimes they simmer after the years, but they are always there, somewhere. This is basically what your post screams to me: "I like this guy and care for him enough that I do not wish for him to be trampled by a double decker bus. He'd be satisfactory for living the typical "dream" of 2.5 children and a picket fence. But I'm not happy here. He doesn't make me feel awesome. He doesn't even like kissing me in public. Why am I here? What am I doing? But...What would I do if I left? What if I never found anyone else?"After reading that, do you agree? Now, if you do agree, let me ask you this: WHY BE WITH SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T MAKE YOU FEEL GREAT? Sorry for the caps, but I must emphasize this! Love is finding someone who makes you feel great. No, they won't be perfect everyday. No, they won't be on your good side every second. No, they won't have a movie star smile 24/7. Yes, they will make mistakes and, by golly, you might think you hate them occasionally. However, you will be okay with that. Because nine times out of the ten, you will enjoy every second. You will be yourself. You will live out your version of a romantic tale. It won't be ideal or perfect, but it will be yours. There is a man out there that will love you and value you. He will kiss you in public and gleefully hold your hand. You won't be weighing the pros and cons of staying with him. You will know he is the one. You will WANT to be his wife. You will WANT to have his children. This man exists! I assure you. You just need to burn that security blanket and go out and find him!
...............................
A
female
reader, DenimandLace44 +, writes (28 September 2010):
 jmtmj has it right, almost. I do think movies, tv, books, all make love some magical thing that is not in the least real life.
But I do believe in butterflies, sparks, and real love. I will say that I dont feel it all the time, there are hard times. There is a lot of hard work involved, but it is there. Under the layers of what we have to do, the real life, making it all work, (the job, the kids, the bills, etc) it is definitely there. Do not marry without it. I may be the only one who feels this way, but I couldnt live without that feeling. That watching him walk across the room, and feeling the flutter...I wouldnt want to live without it.
I think that you feel comfortable, you feel safe. But in the end...saying "I do" and committing yourself to him forever..."til death do you part", its not enough hunny.
...............................
A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (28 September 2010):
 "Movies, TV shows, music all paint a beautiful picture of LOVE and what being inlove should be like. I want that fantasy tale, that beautiful love story and I am no where near it!"
We all do... but this ain't reality. After 1.5 hours and the guy and the girl finally get together... the credits roll. You don't get to see them fighting over the toilet seat being left up, personality clashes, expectations and all these little things that constantly test "love".
"I've looked at other relationships and thought - I should be that happy/I want that. I am jealous of others when I see people being affectionate with each other."
Again here you're comparing and judging your relationship based on other relationships... you may not see them getting back home and having a raging fight...
Now as long as you're aware of how selective outside influences may possibly be making you judge your own relationship harshly, hopefully you'll make an effort to identify whether what you seek is realistic or idealistic.
"My boyfriend has almost all the qualities I am looking for (and believe me I have high standards) but I just feel very confused."
"I truly care for him, and can picture him as my husband and the father of my kids."
Is there a chance that you're just missing the spark (that I'm assuming you had) at the start of the relationship? Or did you never really have that spark with him to begin with?
Meh, at the end of the day, you can't help feeling the way you do and this doesn't sound like the kind of feeling that just goes away... It sounds like the kind of feeling that just amplifies as time passes until you can no longer hold it in...
It's probably better to aim for the "fairy tale" and fall flat on your face than to know that you never even tried... ya only have one chance at life after all.
...............................
|
