A
male
age
41-50,
*ornandnumb
writes:hi all. looking for some guy and girl perspectives here. i'm completely open to any and all of your helpful input. i've been with my girlfriend for almost 3 and a half years. things were always great...of course some ups and downs. the important thing is that we always managed to work things out together. and i love her like i've never loved anyone ever before. we have plans....or at least we had plans. i'll get straight to it. she just recently graduated from college. the career she's considering (most likely in the police department) doesn't really settle well with me. no offense to anyone here, but the cops where i live are known to be serious home wreckers. now, i admit, it's a stereotype..but i guess you just have to be here to really understand where i'm coming from. anyway, although i'm opposed to it, i love her very much and will honestly support her 100%. the real problem lies with this new friend...female friend. she's recently single, she's on full throttle heading into the department or at least into the cadet academy for now, and she's all about going out and partying. i feel like i don't know my girlfriend anymore. she even tells me that she doesn't know if she wants to be in this relationship anymore. she's says she's confused. i told her that since she needs time to think, she should step back from me and from the single life equally, in order to make a sound decision. the reality part of it is that she's taking a step away from me and doing the single outtings with her new friend and her off duty cop friends (guys). up until last night, i've been so furious with her friend filling her mind with these things and pulling this blanket over my girlfriend's eyes...inching her away from me each day. now, i see the light, it truly hurts, but i now understand that it's not the friend. anyone can say or suggest anything to my girlfriend. no one is forcing her to do anything or go anywhere...and do those things without me. my girlfriend is making those decisions all on her own. so now, i see the light, but i still feel in the dark. i feel like she's keeping me hanging by telling me that she doesn't know what she wants to do...yet she continues to go out til past 4am. i feel like she already made her decision...she just hasn't realized it yet and it's very unfair to me. believe me, i love her and i wish to God that i could just wake up from this terrible nightmare. i just can't believe how much she's changed. i asked her what i did to deserve this...she said that i did nothing wrong. in fact, i'm the best boyfriend she's ever had. i did everything right. she says she's the one changing. i pulled her off the random drugs, helped her stop smoking, and she even thanks me for supporting her and pushing her to finish school. i'm like one of the family at her place and vice versa. i just can't understand how she can do this to me. she's dated a bunch of losers before. they've mistreated her, disrespected her, made her pay for everything...you get the picture. one of two of them even cheated on her and she took them back. she took them back! here i am, she's telling me that i'm doing everything perfectly and this is what i get. i'm tired of being in limbo. i feel disrespected, unappreciated, sad, empty, confused, and the knots in my stomach haven't gone away for a week or so. she's obviously doing things for herself without regard for me or my feelings now. so now, i have to think about myself too. this can't be healthy for me to continue on this way. as much as it tears me up inside to even type it down, ...i'm ready to call it quits. thanks very much for taking the time out to read up on my situation. i really look forward to replies. thanks.
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reader, tornandnumb +, writes (25 December 2009):
tornandnumb is verified as being by the original poster of the questiona sincere thanks to all of you and your great replies. very insightful. very real. very much appreciated. i seriously can't believe that you all had taken the time out to read up my story and even more...took a little more time to actually reply. for that i really thank you.
as i was typing out my initial entry here, deep down, i had already made my decision. it just hurt and choked me up so much just to actually get it out through my mouth and say it out. i've made her first all the time. not that i regret it, but i just had faith that she would do the same for me..especially in a time like this. i can't wrap my head around the fact that someone can pull a 180 on me that easily and that quickly. especially with her saying that i did nothing wrong. i mean, maybe if i had cheated on her or did some terrible thing, then yeah...i would expect this. but, no. that's why it's so hard to even fathom, to believe, to accept, to deal, ...to close. but i know what i have to do. she has obviously moved on and is only thinking about herself. i've gotta think about myself. this can't be good for me. this can't be healthy...all this stress and heaviness in my chest. i seriously feel like i've been gutted like a fish. no insides. just emptiness and the feeling of endless knots in my stomach. this can't be good. i have to end this. thanks again people. i too, believe that she will come to sincerely regret this. i just wish she could've played it out in her head and realized it right then and there...instead of building this over-extended nightmare of a reality.
i know that time heals. i know that i have a great family and friends to turn to. i know that i will get through this...eventually. i'll just take it one day at a time. ..although it seems like one hour at a time some days. maybe it's a sign. maybe it's better that this happens now and not later when we're married or have kids and it'll get really messy. maybe it's better that it happens this way.
so then i ask...why does it hurt so much?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2009): Some people reaching maturity age wise never reach it brain wise. Your girlfriend is running around like a silly teenager trying to understand what she wants from this life.Her behavior makes you question your own values.What are you waiting for? For her to act maturily toward you as a loving grown up woman would do.That's not going to happen w/ this woman. This relationship will not work, until both parties will act like adults. You need to stop waiting for her to calm down and act in a responsible way, she needs to grow up and stop acting as adolescent.And please, don't take it personally. You did nothing to trigger her actions. Save your time and find a mature smart woman who knows life, men, relationships and knows exactly what she wants and who she wants. Good luck!!!
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A
male
reader, joejoe1 +, writes (24 December 2009):
look i know that guy wrote the e-mail about his x being happy with someone else and married, ect..it is better off you don't know what she is up too b/c it will hurt you more..only thing i can say that if she doesn't know what she wants and is flaky, ect..she will have similar problems with the next guy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2009): Take it from me..being with a cop in a relationship is easier said than done..the long hours, turning on and off that feeling of power, them bonding with other officers, ect..you are not in that life at all and you in some ways become an outsider..all I can say to you man is I've been there done that..many girls today don't know what they want in this world..your the best thing since sliced bread one day and the next day they are confused..i would say try speaking to her about it, but i don't think it will work,,it has never for me..what i think you need to do is say you want that life? there is the door! if she walks out that door remind her that the door isn't going to be opening again! it is easier said than done, but i think you have to do it. don't call, beg, plead nothing..let her go..things can go three ways: she will come crawling back one day after she realizes what she gave up, you will move on with someone else, or you will move on AND find out she is with some loser cop who cheats on her again ( my favorite)..good luck man
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2009): After reading your post, it is obvious to me that you treat this girl like royalty. After three years and everything you have done for her... what an idiot! Most guys out there are disrespectful pigs. Once she realizes how good she had it with you, she will be begging to have you back! Start acting like you don't care anymore. I am not saying to be a jerk about it, but you should be indifferent. Just take it easy and let her think that you might be moving on. You could set up an evening out with friends once a week. Somewhere energetic with lots of new mysterious people! That kind of stuff drives girls mad! Trust me. Just don't go making it easy for her, or she might not learn a lesson!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2009): Hey brother I can relate. In 05'I got out of a 3+ yr relationship with the only girl I have ever loved(this was a deep, intense love like you describe.) To make a long story short, it was only about 3-4 months before we broke it off that I realized things were heading downhill. She began going out to clubs, parties, and all that with her friends while leaving me behind (not that I am really a clubber, but it would have been nice to be invited.) I don't know what it was, but she just up and changed her mind about everything out of the blue. I could tell she was interested in some one else as well. I can't really remember how it all ended (who ended it, what was said.) Would you believe it, that I still think about her almost everyday? In a different way though, I should add. I wonder; what is she up to? how is she doin? You know, all that sort of stuff. She is married now, to that guy. Not much else to say except that I am fine with it. The only girl I ever loved married the guy (he was my friend by the way) who basically stole her from me, and I'm sitting here listening to the rain hoping she's happy. I think if I could change one thing about it though, I would still want to be her friend. Anyway I am not great at relationships, I just figured that maybe hearing a bit of my story could help you somehow. For instance, you may chose to keep fighting for your girl, instead of giving up like I did and losing her for good. If you guys can't work it out, perhaps you can take comfort in my promise to you that time really can heal all wounds. I can attest to that myself. Just stay busy and if at all possible don't lose touch with this girl, because you better believe you'll never forget her.
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