A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi all, I have been with my girlfriend for 14 months. I must admit a lot of times when we were together, because of my insecurity, I did a a lot of silly things that annoyed her. We talked about being engaged and married etc. When the time is good, she always says have faith in our relationship and always remain positive. We had an arguments about 2 weeks ago. I did something that she thinks was wrong and silly and rude and I kept pushing her away unconsciously. She finally pulled the plug and it shocked me because I never thought it would happen.She said she feels she couldn't make me feel secure in the relationship and she said I deserve to feel secure in the relationship. In the beginning of the relationship, my insecurity was a lot worse, and it was improved dramatically since then.I tried my best to reconcile with her and promise her I will not do it again. She was she wasn't sure if we can go back to 'normal', whatever that means.She said if she gives me a chance and if I repeat it again, she will get very pissed etc.If it is just a normal relationship, I will probably let it go. But I feel we have very high potential together as a couple, and she agreed with that.When she first broke up with me, she was very upset and dissapointed, and didn't even want to go out have coffee with me. Now, after about 2 weeks, I can feel the door has opened again, and she said it sounds good to have coffee and she's more open to the talk, about how I will make changes.One think she said was, she doesn't want any talk anymore. She wants to see actions, changes on my part. I always think if you do love someone unconditionally and very much, you will always believe them that it will get better etc. It seems to me that she has had 'enough'. She said I pushed her away too much and it is too late to rectify it. I told her just now, it is not too late because I will do what it takes. She seems to be listening.What should I do at this moment to maximize our chance again? Or it is good as gone? I'm going to her house again on the weekend, to help her mum out of something, so I will see her again.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2012): Excuse me- you pushed her away repeatedly , apparently you've done a lot of talking about changing your hurtful behaviors but without actually following through with real changed actions, now she's finally had enough, and you are saying that she should have unconditional love for you and thereby believe you when you do yet more talking?
I think this whole "unconditional love" thing is really abused in relationships. People love to bring it up as an excuse to expect your significant other to put up with your crap when you're the one who's destroying the relationship. And no, it's not a good thing for someone to stay with a partner who repeatedly hurts them. So if staying with such a partner what unconditional love means, it's actually a bad thing because it's destructive.
I love my brother unconditionally because he is my brother. But he's also an alcoholic and gets verbally abusive and has messed up his life and stolen money and other things from me. Yet, he's my brother and I do still love him. That's unconditional love. But this does not mean that I will let him live with me and my family. It does not mean I will give him money every time he asks. I love him unconditionally but that doesn't mean I am OK with everything he does. What it does mean is that I will always be there for him on some level which is proportional to how much I am emotionally able to tolerate at the time. It means I will not forever cut him out of my life, nor will I do hurtful things to him on purpose or try to harm him. It means that if push comes to shove and he needs help, I will help him in the way I see fit. it means that I want to continue to be part of his life, in whatever capacity I can tolerate at the time.
Unconditional love does not apply so much to romantic/intimate relationships in my opinion, because for such relationships to work you have to be VERY close to the other person - sharing every aspect of your life. That's the very definition of an intimate relationship. There's much fewer ways to put up boundaries to protect yourself against hurt from your partner. There's no room to back off and protect yourself from the other person's harmful behaviors that do damage to you. (or rather, breaking up IS how you back off and protect yourself). This means you can't really exercise unconditional love in a safe manner in an intimate relationship, there HAS to be conditions for this kind of love. Meaning, you love your partner, ON CONDITION that they dont' kill you, betray you, hurt you over and over again in a big way, etc.
you should try to understand that because you seem to feel entitled to her continued participation in this relationship despite how much you've hurt her. it makes no sense for her to continue being in a relationship with someone who claims to love her but whose actions don't show it.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2012): "She wants to see actions, changes on my part. I always think if you do love someone unconditionally and very much, you will always believe them that it will get better etc."
I always think that if you do love someone unconditionally, you will take their valid and legitimate concerns to heart and use actions and changes to get better instead of blaming her for your repeated mistakes and using that as a rationalization to question her love for you.
"What should I do at this moment to maximize our chance again? Or it is good as gone?"
Nothing you can do at this moment as you still don't get it; no chance until you do, which seems unlikely anytime soon.
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