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female
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anonymous
writes: What do I do? I don't know anymore. Me and my partner have one child; she's one year old and I find that I'm constantly left on my own. He has his activities with friends 4 or more nights a week where he stays out late playing cards and then when he is at home he is either asleep on the computer or watching sport. I feel like we never talk or only I'm talking. He never shows me that he cares in any way. Occasionaly we will go somewhere together if his partnered friends are in on it. I get really angry and deliberately pick fights because I feel ignored and empty. I have told him many times how I feel but nothing changes; I'm thinking of leaving but am scared of being even more alone. Reply to this Question
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reader, pops +, writes (4 October 2005):
If he hasn't been involved in helping to raise his daughter by this time, he should feel like a fifth wheel in his own home. But, he is saying as loud as he can that he won't miss you if you leave. So leave. Get another life. I just read a joke about a neaderthal man (they are still around) who lays down the law to his new wife. You can't disagree with me, you have to go where I want to go, when I say we go, and do the things I want to do. You have to have a hot meal on the table when I get home, unless I inform you that I won't be home for dinner. Blah-blah-blah ! After he finished, she looked him in the eyes, and said, " There will be sex in my bed at 7 p.m. every nite, whether you are home or not ! " That may be one way to get his attention.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2005): Loneliness is a feeling of not being able to reach another person and him not being able to reach you. In this case, that "him' being your husband. It sounds like you are feeling 'painfully isolated" even though you are surrounded daily, by your wonderful child and your husband. If you are a stay at home Mom, and tending to the needs of your child, you likely are feeling overwhelmed, in this role and you need more of a "sense of purpose" and this is okay to feel this way. We need to remember to look out for ourselves and priorize our own needs, as well. (So many of us Moms forget that) And when Mom is happy-the whole family is happy. Deep within each of us is the hunger for contact, acceptance, belonging, intimate exchange, responsiveness, support, love, and the touch of tenderness. It's the human way. We experience loneliness because these hungers are not always fed and this is what may be happening to you. Challenge the reality of your negative thoughts toward your husband. Much of what we experience as loneliness comes from negative interpretations of our current life situations. You may not even be aware of negative thoughts about yourself, so the first step is to try to identify negative self-thoughts you may be having about your current life situation. Also, take time in your life to do some things you want to do for yourself. Actually, you 'need' to do this for yourself, dear or these feelings of despair will take you down. Don't allow that! You can do more of what you want to do, when you want to do it-just don't be afraid to demand it from your husband. He has to help!. This is a good time to focus on you and learn more about yourself. Get involved in activities that are interesting to you and that will put you in a position to meet, work, and socialize with others. Getting involved with volunteering, or working for a cause you believe in will help you to meet people with similar interests and values. Get a part time job. Find a good childcare service or have a trusted family member take care of the baby. Try a new recreational activity. Exercise and physical activity will increase your energy and help you to feel better about yourself. Work on developing relationships with others, such as your husband. Ask him to compromise and give up a few of his activities, so he can stay home with the baby a couple nights per week, so your can get out and pursue activities you enjoy. Avoid impulsive, desperate and "clingy" behaviors that tend to drive him away, every night. Take heart my dear, loneliness is a common experience among new Mothers and it can be overcome. Much of the emotional pain we experience as loneliness comes from our negative interpretation of our current life situation. To overcome loneliness, take positive, rather than defensive action. If all else fails, you may need the help of a trained counselor or an understanding pastor or friend to help you work through this struggle. Seek their support and advisement, if it becomes too much for you. And if your husband does not co-operate with you, in helping you with family demands, I strongly suggest marriage counseling. You two have to communicate and work as a solid team and he needs to understand that concept. So take care, hun and I wish you the best of luck, in the future.
Hugs,
Irish
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2005): That's a tough situation you're in. It sounds to me like your husband isn't ready for fatherhood. Of course, he has to start being a father now. I don't know exactly how you two interact when you do talk, but perhaps when you're talking to him, you may be yelling, or in an angry/accusatory tone? This doesn't work. Men will tune out any form of complaining, yelling or angry tones.
If he truly loves you, then he should still care about how you feel. So when he’s watching sports, try to pry the controller from his hand, turn off the t.v. and ask him for a few minutes to talk about your child and how you need his help. He may put up a fuss, but you have to insist on behalf of your child and on behalf of your entire marriage. Try not to yell, but be firm. Once you’ve both calmed down and he’s ready to listen, then you start explaining to him how you’ve been feeling lately: How you feel overwhelmed with all the responsibilities of raising your child and taking care of the house, how you feel neglected by him and how much his behaviour is really hurting you. Ask him for his help to share the responsibilities to raise your child and take care of the household. Ask him for his love, to show his affection for you and your family. Ask him point blank if he still loves you and if he loves his child. Then be silent, and give him enough time to answer. Sometimes men find it hard to express their feelings in the form of words.
I don't know how he'll answer, but at least he better start seriously thinking about the future and well-being of your family. He might still be a bit immature for his age and hasn't quite grown up yet. But we all have to grow up sometime, especially when there's a child depending on you.
Ask him if he could at least cut down on the number of outings to maybe 2 times/week? Or, work out a deal, so that he plays with the child after coming home from work, give him/her a bath, do one cleanup chore, then he can go out with his buddies. Any reasonable man can handle something like that.
If he absolutely refuses to help you, then the next step would be to talk to his parents (if they're still around), or even talk to one of his friends, the most reasonable of the bunch. Maybe peer pressure will work, since he obviously adores his friends so much.
If all else fails, then you have to start thinking about whether or not this marriage is going to work at all. I know several young fathers who are actively helping out their wives and take turns to get up in the middle of the night, etc. That's because their love is strong, and they are mature and responsible people. If your man doesn't smarten up and start taking some responsibility, then he doesn't deserve to be married to you. You deserve to be treated much, much better than that. You shouldn't have to beg for help, and you shouldn't be left alone every night to fend for yourself and your child.
Ask him what he expected marriage to be like. If his idea of marriage is that you have to do everything for him while he goes off to enjoy himself, then he's very selfish. That doesn't fly in this day and age. If he doesn't start taking care of you and your child, then you're going to have to find a better man. Being alone seems scary, but there are much better men than that who are out there.
Good luck and I hope all turns out well for you!
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