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male
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*uststopobsessing
writes: Hello,I'm 22 and have never had a serious relationship. I think i've found a girl i like and i end up obsessing, thinking constantly about her, but never do anything about it. I'm really like this girl who i've known now for a few months and become good friends with. I desperately want to tell her how i feel, but i really couldnt stand the rejection. its because of this i cant get close to anyone. I write letters to her and tear them up.Some days i'll convince myself that she likes me and I should just go for it and ask her out, but then something will happen to completely shatter my confidence. For example, we were in the pub with some friends and she made passing references about some lads she knows who have got the wrong idea and made passes at her, one of these guys is one of my friends. I just feel completely inadequate and i'll never measure up. shes too perfect.What should I do? Be honest and then never be able to see her again. But the thought of her meeting someone else is truly heartbreaking.
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female
reader, Hopeful +, writes (9 January 2006):
 I know how you feel. It's very hard when you are friends with someone and you develop feelings for them.
Do you approach them and possibly face rejection or do you do nothing and try and read their every move and second guess them?
As hard as it is, I think that you will have to do the first.
She is single right now and so are you. There will never be a better time do approach the situation. As you said, it would be devasting if she met someone else. You have the freedom to be able to ask her out right now, a freedom which may disappear if you wait.
I know its really hard but unless you want to die wondering if you and this girl could have made it, I suggest you ask her out.
Make it light and casual and see what happens from there. Buy some tickets to a band she really likes and invite her along, find something you have in common like a love of Thai food and suggest you both try a new Thai restaurant that's opened up. If you like both a sport wait until your teams are playing and suggest she comes over to your place and watches the match, bet her dinner that your team will beat hers etc
These are ways to ask her out that are casual and if she is just after a friendship, you will know and its not like you have put on a whole mega romantic, sweep her off her feet, roses and champagne saga date, it was just some mates having a bite to eat or seeing a band together.
The thing is if she didn't like you in some sort of way, she wouldn't be your friend. The fact that she hangs around you and spends time with you indicates she enjoys your company and has things in common with you.
Perhaps these other lads that "made passes" at her were not her type, that doesn't mean that you are not. Or perhaps they approached it the wrong way, tried to kiss her suddenly or suggested something inappropriate whilst drunk. Perhaps she thought they were just after something physical and she wasn't interested. You don't know the full story in those cases so don't assume that just because she rejected your friend, she will reject you.
Besides, what is the worst thing that can happen. She rejects you? We've all been there and moved on. If that happens she is obviously not the girl for you and you will meet someone else.
If she rejects you and never wants to see you again, she is really not worthy of your friendship let alone your love.
Give it a go. It would be a really brave step and I think that in the long run you will regret doing nothing much more than doing something!
A
female
reader, CRIMESCENE418 +, writes (9 January 2006):
What you are going through is totally natural. We have all been there!! Trust me!!! I am still going through it! It doesn't get any easier, but you will eventually get to a point where you just cant stand it anymore and you will throw caution to the wind so to speak. If you really feel that way about her, she cant read your mind. You have to tell her. You dont have to tell her everything, just enough to give her the idea that you are digging her. You have to keep it light, dont bog her down with being too serious and you never know, she may have turned your bud down because she could be secretly digging you too! You haven't asked, so you dont know. Go for it! As for your fear of her finding someone else, she could do that anyway. So you can take a shot and tell her how you feel and lose her or never tell her anything and still loose her. Life's a dance brother, sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2006): It is the fact that you lack self confidence that is affecting every aspect of your life, its why you are obsessing about this girl.
We all have times when we think that the person we like is out of our league. I am 25 and have been going out with my boyfriend for about 18 months now but it took us so long to get together because I really liked him and he liked me to but we were friends too and were afraid that if we said anything it would ruin a really great friendship!
I actually had an incident with a guy I had been friends with since we where about 8 trying to kiss me when we where at a club and I was upset because I just wanted to forget it and be friends although he didnt but thats a whole other story anyway when I told my now boyfriend this he realised that if he asked me out and I wasnt interested we could be mature enough about it not t ruin our friendship.
The thing is though if she has feelings for you her friends will more than likely know about it ask one of them who she likes at the minute ask about all the girls in her group and see if her friend lets anything slip, if not ask her out anyway honestly you have nothing to lose you sound like a really sweet guy and she should be flattered if you ask her out.
Also she may be trying to give you the idea that lots of guys like her so you realise how great she is she may have turned your friend down because she likes you. You wont know until you ask!!
Good Luck!! and trust me when I say the BEST !! relationships are those that are founded on a good friendship!! Take a risk you never know!!!!
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