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I love him but he's always yelling at me; what are my options?

Tagged as: Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (16 July 2007) 3 Answers - (Newest, 16 July 2007)
A female United States age 26-29, *yn writes:

I have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years now. i was 16 and he was 23 when we got together Ive been living with him almost a year and a half now and I want out. I love him but he always yells and cusses at me. He has no patience and i know it isnt his fault. His father was a great provider but didnt know how to be loving. in return he inherited these traits.We havnt been getting along for the past 2 months and I cant take it anymore I dont want to loose him Im now 18 and he is 25. He is the love of my life but i cant live like this. How do i tell him I'm leaving? What are my other options?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2007):

Of course it's his fault! Don't make excuses for him. His behaviour is down to him, it's his choice and him behaving like that towards you cannot be entirely blamed on a bad childhood.

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A female reader, down to earth United Kingdom +, writes (16 July 2007):

down to earth agony aunti think you should tell him that you love him but you cant be with him anymore because you are unhappy and the sittuation might get out of hand and you dnt want that to happen. i personally think you should get out before its to late.

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A female reader, Country Woman United Kingdom +, writes (16 July 2007):

Country Woman agony auntOK you have already said that you are unhappy and want out but the love you have for your bf is holding you back right now.

I now love is blind as they say but being constantly yelled at and having abusive remarks is not love, it is bullying tactics even in a relationship and so this is not someone who loves you 100%, you are being a verbal punch bag and it has to stop.

OK so you blame your bf's father for the way he is, yes to a degree that can be true but each person has to take responsibility for their own actions and unless your bf is prepared to try to change and seek help in counselling and try and resolve his issues why should you stay around and put up with this.

The options are that you talk to your bf and lay it on the line that unless there are immediate changes and he seeks help you are out of there.

The other option is that you say nothing and just stay around and wait for things to escalate.

I would always recommend seeking help as this is an ingrain problem for your bf and he is probably unaware of the level that this has now reached.

Staying with someone because you remember the good times and think that somewhere deep inside they still love you can be the case but as you haven't witnessed this for some time I would say that all their agression is now being focused on you and that is doing your self esteem no good at all.

If you feel that you can't say this face to face then put it in an email and send it to your bf or write a letter to him and be out when he finds it. I know that is the cowards way out in a sense but sometimes we can put our thoughts down on paper more than the spoken word as your bf seems as though shouting is the only way to resolve things and he has not learnt how to listen.

A counsellor who is also a relationship counsellor can sometimes teach couples this technic and it is very simple but we don't always see what is infront of our noses when we are in the heat of an argument.

Don't spend the next 10 years waiting for things to change on their own as they won't.

If you want a better life then you need to start making plans and decide what is important in your life and what you want to happen.

If your bf refuses to get help then you know what your options are.

Life is for the living so smile every day and hold your head up high sweetheart, don't be downtrodden and made to feel guilty for things that are not your fault.

There is a gorgeous guy out there who would not treat you this way and would respect you completely.

Think things through and check out whether you havea a counsellor locally and find out costs and see what your bf thinks of everything but do get your thoughts on paper so that if you do talk face to face you have some prompts as we forget things in conversations or like I say email or write to him.

Wish you all the very best of luck.

Take care.

BFN

Country Woman

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