A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am engaged to my best friend. I feel so blessed to have him in my life and I have always been so content being an old married couple with him. However lately I feel like I missed something. I have been with him since I was 19. I really haven't had the chance to date around and have fun being single. I have several single friends and we go out on girl nights quite often. Recently we went to another town and we met several guys from out of town. One of the guys started chatting me up, we danced, we all went back to their hotel they were staying in, and I ended up kissing the guy I was chatting with all night. We both were extremely inebriated and there wasn't any emotion attached to the kissing (which there was a lot of). I don't want to hurt my fiance and my friends and I made a pact to not tell a soul what happened. I was very attracted to him physically, he was a gorgeous man. In a way it felt kind of liberating. I have never done something like that in my life and it felt great to let go of my inhibitions. I love my fiance more than anything. He's so caring, loving, and I talk to him about everything. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to feel like I am settling, but I don't want to loose him. He is the man I want to marry, I just feel like I am being tempted. Is this all normal for people who are about to get married? Am I just getting cold feet and feel like I settled down too young? Please, feedback is greatly appreciated.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2008): I have to say, I've been in your shoes. I cheated on a fiance many years ago (at age 20). I'll tell you what I learned from it.
Basically, I went through a wild stage of my life. I was in an unhealthy relationship, but I think the cheating may have had more to do with the hoards of male attention I was getting. I fell for a man other than my fiance, and he made a move. At first I resisted, but I was seriously awe-struck by how attractive the new man was and how interesting he appeared to be. I made out with him one night (and told my fiance). He still wanted to be with me, but I couldn't stay away from the man I was so attracted to. I could also talk to him and he seemed to understand me so well. It lasted a month and I went on a 'break' with my fiance only to learn the guy I was making out with all the time, was not worth it. Though he appeared so interested in me (my life), it was all for show. He was in it for the action. It was stupid, but what can you do? I went on to date someone else for a month (and "fall in love" as I called it back then), and then went back to my fiance, only to break it off 6 months later for many reasons I can't get into.
I went through the stage of loving the attention, but I have since never cheated at any other time in any other relationship. I guess I went through that time seeking to fulfill something, and learned that the guys you meet at the bar (and many others), are simply cheap lovin and have nothing real and fulfilling to offer. I have someone in my life right now who I'm sure I'll be with for a long time, and I couldn't fathom spending a few hours with another guy who can do little else but sweep a women off her feet simply to have sex with her. I still get the attention from other men all the time. But I don't really enjoy the attention or let it get to my head and hormones. Those other men, they're not worth it! Especially when you have someone so special in your life who loves you and knows you better than anyone else. I guess you didn't have my kind of experience to basically go out and make mistakes. So learn from my mistakes. It's not worth it. The attention is cheap and meaningless compared to what you have with your fiance. You not missing out on anyyything!
But I'd take a step back and take it slower. Clearly this is a sign of that. Don't rush! Also, (and I'm serious) as hard as it is, I would tell him what happened. No easy way around it; it will shatter him for a while, but you need to tell him even if you were drunk. It's going to challenge your relationship but again, unfortunatly there's no easy way around it. Keep it a secret and it will eat you up inside and slowly ruin the relationship anyways! Trust me.
Good luck and take care.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2008): Spot on Collaroy, but you know how these young people are.
"I love him, we want to be together, so we gotta get married right away." Stupid, I know, but "we're so in love." Whatever happened to having fun, going to the movies, doing stuff together and getting to know each other. I have no idea why they rush the best bits of any relationship. Ah well, that's their choice.....
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (19 May 2008):
 Hi,
when I read these stories ( and there are many on this site ) they all have the same thing in common - age.
Some people still tend to think they should get married when they are very young as if it is the thing to do rather than what they actually want. And there are parents invovled who can't wait to see thier kids walk down the aisle, but they lived in a different world. A world where everyone got married very young, but things are different today and a lot of people just arent prepared to accept it.
You have got some desperate soul searching to do. It is obvious you are not ready to be married, and if you go through with it, chances are in 5-10 years time this yearning for getting out there in the world will increase exponentially.
So I would call off the engagement first of. Tell your fiancee you love him but are not prepared to get married yet. If he really loves you he won't try and pressure you into the marriage.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2008): Your not sure if you want to spend the rest of your life with this man. Sure that's normal. In my opinion your too young to think about marriage, it's putting you under stress and making you do stupid things that makes you ashamed.
You present as under 25, what's the hurry to get so serious, you won't die untill your what 60/80. You got a lot of life ahead of you.
Most people say that honesty is the best policy. Usually I agree, but I'm human and in this situation I'd keep it a secret and hope my friends do the same. You were drunk, you don't know what you were doing, if anybody asks you were so drunk that you don't remember a single thing about that night.
Tell your boyfriend your having doubts because your so young. Reassure him that you love him. If he's given you an engagement ring, take it of you finger and put it on a chain around your neck. Then he'll know you love him, but your unsure and nervous about making a final commitment to whilst your still so young. He can look at the ring and know your still his, but you haven't made the final committment to join you life with him. Your just too young to be engaged and get married.
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