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I haven't had a relationship in 10 years..so tell me-- what I am doing wrong?

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Question - (8 August 2006) 2 Answers - (Newest, 9 August 2006)
A male , anonymous writes:

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I am 39 years old. I am really concerned because i find it impossible to find a girl even as a friend to take out or a partner. I have not had a relationship either short or long term for over 10 years. Never been married and have no children. In fact I haven’t had a single date in that time. I don't know whether because i have not had the opportunity to date or form friendships that this is starting to show in my response to women. I am tall, big built but not overweight, smart dressed and have a lot to offer. I have many interests, play sport and like going out with friends to pubs and clubs. I am well respected and very well liked amongst everybody that knows me.

When i go out I’m still getting girls coming up to talk during the night and I know many girls to talk to as friends. Now every girl that I know say i'm a lovely guy or I am great. I have a dry sense of humour and once I get to know them I can have a good laugh with them.

Everyone I speak to for advice say that I’m not doing anything wrong. I am going out and making the best of my life but it’s so disappointing because I know what I’m missing out on but cannot get a single opportunity, the answers always no.

When i get phone numbers and I think it could be the start of a relationship it always ends up on being given the false promises and eventually let down.

While one by one my friends are getting girls and married I’m still thinking how on earth do I even get to take one out even for one night. I’m worried that now I’m almost 40 I am going to miss out.

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A female reader, Bev Conolly Australia +, writes (9 August 2006):

Bev Conolly agony auntI don't get the impression that you're limiting yourself to pubs and clubs when you're looking for women to date, but might I suggest you forego drinking places entirely?

Meeting someone at a bar is a dicey way to start a relationship, at best. Because people tend to overdo it when drinking with friends, the "person" you think you're meeting at the pub might have nothing in common with the body that wakes up, bleary-eyed, the next morning.

Furthermore, you have to deal with dim light, noise, smoke and a certain level of "desperation" after a point. It all makes me think that people who go to bars and clubs to meet others are setting their sights too low.

Instead, can I suggest that you look for prospective dates in other areas where you find entertainment? If you play sport, for example, look amongst the spectators. If you dance, amongst your fellow dancers. If you spend time in the library, then look at your fellow library-patrons! You're much more likely to find a person who shares your interests, when you meet them somewhere you're interested in.

And a bit of self-analysis can help too. Is there a common thread between the women that you're unsuccessful with? Are you attracted to a particularly unavailable type of woman? A woman who's too young, or too beautiful, or too 'taken'?

I'm roughly in your age group (I'm 44), and I know that a man such as you describe yourself should be fighting through a throng of adoring women, so ask yourself if you're perhaps expecting the same things from a woman that you expected at 20. Times change, and your tastes probably should adapt. Many, even most, women in their late 30s will have relationships behind them, and as a result, will have kids. Are you discounting those ladies as potential dates? Are you overlooking the fun, smart, but a little bit dowdy women?

If you're looking beyond bars for women to date, and if you're actually getting "out there" and trying, and if you're not expecting to find that your perfect partner is 22, pheumatic, blonde and a nymphomaniac, then you're doing all the right things.

My last suggestion in that case is to speak to your female friends. Tell them that you need an outsider's opinion, and ask them (as your friends, they'll know you well) what they think might be the source of your failure to get dates.

Then listen to what they say, and if it sounds plausible, try to improve the things they list. As a woman, I can state with confidence that they'll love trying to help fix you up.

Good luck.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2006):

You haven't had a relationship in 10 years and your dating history is grim. When it comes to dating and realizing that something is always going wrong, a person has to really acknowlege the most common denominator is themselves or 'something' they may or may not be doing could be what the real problem is. I'm just going to throw a few suggestions your way and you can consider them...or not. It's up to you. Perhaps you need to become aware of the signals you may be sending out. Desperation? Neediness? Both are huge turn offs. If you are having trouble finding that right woman for you, this could mean you own part of the problem. Remember in life, we all are in control of our own behaviours, choices and the consequences of that. So be honest, are you doing something that could be turning off the gals? Another thing, coud be that perhaps you are attracted to the wrong woman--are they too immature, too uncommitted, not ready to settle? Remember you are almost 40..are you trying to date women who don't share your mature outlook, your sense of humor, your relationship values? I think you need to really think about what type of person you want to share your life with and then go look for her, based on that. For example, if you like sports and the outdoors..look for a girl who shares that interest. You may find her at the local park walking her dog, or playing basketball...or rollerblading. If you are looking for someone who is mature, has a good head and wants the same things as you-maybe she's not hanging out in the pubs and clubs. Look elsewhere. Try online dating, talk to friends and co-workers about 'setting you up' with a nice gal. Network! And get some honest, upfront constructive advice from good, trusted family and friends to find out, just what you may need to do. If what you're doing and where you are meeting good, quality, interested women isn't working, change it. Go and do something different. But always, always be true to you, be yourself and just relax. It will happen. Hang in there and good luck, dear

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