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male
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anonymous
writes: My girlfriends past is killing me, i hate the kind of guys she has made out with, i see them all the time also it hurts me and pisses me off, i am trying my best to get over it but its toughhhhh, she barely did anything with them but it still drives me nuts like why she would hook up with such losers! i cant shake it or get over her past and one was also with my sleezey friend! what should i do this is ruining our relationship, how can i get over it or is it something that i cant overcome? help.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2005): Hey,
I'm 17 and right now my boyfriend and I are going through this same problem. He can not get over my past and can not control his anger towards it. I have done things i regret. By many peoples standards my past is very little. I think that by being with me he thinks that he is somehow compromising his morals. But the thing that is breaking down our relationship is his inability to see past my past. And it is not his fault (even though i get angry and say a lot of things i dont mean). I understand that he can not control his anger and his feelings about the issue. But that still doesnt make all the things he says about me and my past any easier to hear. You have to consider how you feel for her. Perhaps your feelings are just an extreme form of jealousy? Whatever the case, how you feel is fundamental to the situation my friend. If you love her, dont give this up. You have to say, is it worth it? Consider everything else about your girlfriend. The things that made you fall for her in the first place. Think of her as everything good (if thats the case) but with this extra baggage attached. My boyfriend and I have been going out for 10months (nearly). All this time we have tried unsucessfully to deal with the problem: Hes just tried to 'get over it' and to 'push it tot he back of his mind'... while i just try to ignore the problem and get really upset talking about my past or anything to do with it. THIS DOES NOT WORK. Right now i am devising a plan to show my boyfriend sometime this week. It involves small changes you can make to your relationship to make it work. My advice to you is get on the internet and start serching for ways to handle this. Once you have made a start, show it to your girlfriend, and then you can work on it together (well, this is my plan anyway) and both do some research. With the reserch you two must then devise an actual plan of attack, if this relationship is really worth saving. What you must remember is that NO RELATIONSHIPS ARE PERFECT. Relationships entail hard work, patience, understanding, compromising, and most importantly, communication. The start i have made in my "plan" is stuff like how to change the way you may fight about the problem. This may seem simple, but habits are the hardest things to break. You have to set rules. Instead of concentrating on your differences (ie. the type of guys she has made out with in the past....a problem my boyfriend also has with me....) you need to see beneath the differences, discover your sameness and realise that your capacity for love and intimacy is equal. If you dont do this, you'll end up equally hurt, equally frightened and equally powerful and powerless. As hard as it may be, you need to concentrate on the good, all the things that has made the relationship good for you. Laughter is another thing.... I dont know, theres actually heaps of amall things that can make a difference. I remember when we first started to deal with our problems, i could not think how to actaully help my boyfriend or our relationship. All i could do was support him. It is only now that i have been able to put myself into action....i only hope it is not too late for us. Changes are hard, because they bring uncertainty. You may end up better off, or worse. But if you think its worth it, you gotta take the chance. As i said, im 17....so this may not be making any sense. If you want i could email you the reserch i have done....a lot of it is based on the reserch of specialists into workings of relationships. I think it may help me and my boyfriend, so it may help you and yours too. One things for sure, you cannot go on like you ar enow, it is destructive to your relationship and to yourselves. Do you really want to lose your realtionship over this? You cant cahnge her past, but you can adapt your relationhip to deal more effectively with the problems. Although the problems will not go away (unless you can invent a timemachine) you may be able to find a way of living with them and minimising the conflict between the two of you.
People are changing all the time. What you need to consider is the person she was when she hooked up with these losers is most probably not who she is now. And she may have not neccessarily wanted to make out with those losers. When it comes down to it, there are many factors to consider as to why she has done what she has done, maybe some erasons she does not know herself. What she has done does not make her a bad person. You have to realise what a good person she is....everything she is without ths extra knowledge of her past. If you love all that, then dont give her up. Try to make some changes.
I hope this helps.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2005): hello,you must remember: what your girlfriend did before she met you has nothing to do with you...so don't take it so personally. have you stopped to wonder why she used to date such "losers"? maybe she had low self-esteem,maybe she was looking for acceptance, or maybe she saw something in them that you can't..to you they were losers, but to her they were someone she saw something in. maybe you see her past as a reflection on you. just because she dated people you don't approve of in the past does not mean that you are a loser too. you can not compare yourself to these other guys.i know it can be tough to get over because i went through a similar situation getting over my boyfriend's past. the girl he last dated was, in my opinion, an overweight, unambitious, girl with a crappy job (i'm not biased or anything lol) and i wondered why he was with someone like me afterwards. maybe your girlfirend just had to kiss a few frogs before she found her prince- you
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A
female
reader, Laura1985 +, writes (13 December 2005):
I can see how it would be a hard situation but you said it yourself its in her PAST. We all make mistakes and when we are not looking for a serious realtiionship whether the guy is a loser does not always account for much Although maybe a way to get over it is to change the way you think about it, with all teh other guys she choose to only fool around and not enter into anything serious whilst with you she did, this is a refelction on not only how she thinks of you but also how it was purely fun but with you its more. Everyone has a past and new partners may not like it but you have to decide are these buts a fun in the past real any reason to destruct what you have, which is a caring realtionship.
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A
female
reader, emmasen +, writes (13 December 2005):
Hi,
Well you've basically got two options - you either drop it and forget about it, or end the relationship. If you continue to have these feelings of anger, perhaps jealously towards these other guys your resentment will continue to grow and cause more and more problems within your relationship.
Perhaps these so-called 'losers' werent actually loseres whilst she was with them? Or perhaps there is another side to them you havent or dont choose to seel.
The thing is, she's chosen to be with YOU now not them. You should be happy about this fact. Try and forget about her past - I'm sure you have one too - otherwise it could cause this relationship to break down, is that what you want?? Good luck, Emma x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2005): You are taking all this way too personally. I think you feel because she dated 'losers' before...could it be you likely feel like a "loser" because she chose you? If so, this is just about your ego and just your feelings? She has done nothing wrong and I find your behavior and attitudes toward her disrespectable and very inappropriate. I think you being a bit too self-righteous and sanctimonious here because her choice to date you does not imply in any way shape or form, that you are in the same 'category' as her past bf's. Look at it this way..she learned from her past choices and upped her standards...there's nothing wrong with that. It's called 'selective" dating..she learned from her past mistakes, dear. But by continuing this condemnation of what she did before tells me, you are lowering yourself to the same level of those losers she dated before. And you are NOT respecting her thoughts, choices and her life. Perhaps you need to realize that decent, respectable men treat their gf's as if she were the only woman in the world, no matter what he is thinking about her past history. Try to get over this or it will destroy your relationship with her.
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