A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I would so appreciate it if I could have a bit of advice... I need another perspective. So, here it goes... My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year. For 5 months, I've been in Vegas to continue college. He was very supportive and had been great. We were in love, but when I left, it seemed as if our relationship reached an entirely different level. He suddenly wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, and it was great. I figured it was because he realized how much he missed me and wanted to be with me. I then came to visit about 3 weeks ago, we had the best time and I realized just how in love I was with him too. He asked me to move in. And in a heartbeat, went back to Vegas to get everything straightened back out, and moved home to be with him. Stupid, I know. I shouldn't have dropped my life so quickly to move back to him, but I felt like the long distance thing, though we were doing so well, wouldn't work for much longer. I wanted to be with him. Then, when I moved here, he decided he wasn't ready to move in with me. We suddenly had all these problems, which might have been the cause. I can be stubborn, insecure, and a handful, so on one hand, I can understand. But then, if he can't love me at my worst, he doesn't deserve me at my best. We fought about all sorts of things... mostly things that I picked at because I thought maybe he wasn't as in love with me. For example, for a while he stopped initiating sex, and some nights, he was just too tired. I got rejected constantly... and it's worked on my self-esteem. Not to be overly conceited, but that doesn't happen to me often. I felt unappreciated by him. Not just becasue of the sex... there were so many things. I'd rub his back so he could sleep, take him lunch, everything a good girlfriend does... but I just couldnt think of a thing he's done for me lately. So, we got into a huge fight about a week ago. And he decided that he needed a break. I was so confused. He just left one morning for work one morning, like usual... then, didnt call all day. When I finally got a hold of him, he said that we were on a break. So, okay... He hasn't called and I haven't called him. I dont know how long he plans to hold this out. I beginning to think that he wants to break up with me, but is trying to see how it will be or doesnt know to break it to me. At this point, I just want to know if I should move on. Its so weird because he's never been like this. He was the perfect boyfriend. He's always been faithful and Im sure that he's not looking for a new girl so soon. I just dont know. Im beginning to think that I made a mistake by doing all these things for him, that I became this needy, desperate girl because I dropped my life to come back to him. So, Im here at home... and thats fine because I can have a life here or there, but doesnt he see that I would give it all up for him? And it seems funny that when I confess how Im feeling insecure and not good enough that he'd be the one to leave me. Maybe Ive lost all my mystery because I came clean and told him how much I need him to tell me Im beautiful more, want to have sex, and tell me thank you sometimes... I dont want him to seem like an asshole.. he's not... its just been like that lately... what do you think?
View related questions:
a break, hasn't called, insecure, long distance, move on Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2008): He loved you when you were away but now that he has you, you're expendable to him and he doesn't appreciate you. He also might want to do things that he can't do while you're living w/ him such as partying, etc. I would just move on. You don't want this guy if he treats you this way and if he's too ignorant that he can't see what he has. He also might just be too young to settle and doesn't know what he wants yey.
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (18 January 2008):
 Your honeymoon is over.He could not cope with your demands and you expected much from him.When he could not deliver , you felt angry because you gave your all while he seems not to carry the same in this relationship.
You mentioned you are stubborn , insecure and demanding.It is not easy to live with such a personality.He does not know how to handle you and avoiding you for now will give him some respite.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2008): Oh dear. You tried too hard.
If you do something for a person don’t do it in order to be thanked or you will just feel resentful. That isn’t real giving. Real giving is cherishing a person for who they are, not overpowering them or being on the look out for reasons to take offence. You have low self esteem and probably need to be constantly reassured whether this is through sex or attention. If you don’t get the attention you need to feel of value to people, you overreact. If you are secure with your own sense of value and your own self-worth you wont put the burden for feeding your ego onto other people.
This is way too much pressure for another person to handle.
You will think I am being horrible, but I have been you so I know. I have read “Women who think too much” and done cognitive behavioural therapy to get through this. One way or another you have got to address this esteem issue before it spoils your relationships. If you have this issue it is not your fault, it is always because of something that has happened.
Find out about low self esteem and work on it. Also remember that getting to know someone by living with them is always stressful. Better to spend more time together and go on holiday first for example.
As far as your recent boyfriend, I would ask him to forget that you had ever moved in together, see if he he willing to think about dating again in a month or so. Start addressing your issues and see what he thinks then. Please make sure you give him the space he needs or you will chase him off for sure. If he respects you he will be willing to wait and see if you have started addressing things. Remember that he is not perfect either, things would have come out about him at some stage as well. Yours was first “issue” that is all! When you look at some of the problems that people have on this site you can get an idea. It is always tough accepting and compromising.
Don’t despair, you will be fine.
...............................
|
