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I feel my wife uses sex to control me, so frustrating!

Tagged as: Marriage problems, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (6 December 2008) 9 Answers - (Newest, 28 June 2011)
A male Canada age 41-50, *ancouver2008 writes:

I've been married now for four years and we have two kids four and 1 year old. This is my second marriage.

My wife and I argue often. Not in front of the kids though. When things are good they are great but we probably argue around 50% of the time.

Our sex lives is great when we have it which is not often. I feel like my wife uses sex to control me. I often get the "if you do this errand for me then I'll do something special tonight". Typically I'll do what she told me and she'll be too tired at night for time with me. I'm extremely frustrated as my wife knows that I'm a very sexual person. I don't know what to do...feels like I'm at the breaking point.

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A female reader, hlp Denmark +, writes (28 June 2011):

Hi there.

Im sort of in the same situation that you are.

My life partner / boyfriend isnt this blunt about it and it seems to be something he does with out intending to hurt me.

But after 10 years of not having my needs met in this area I am mentaly done with sex.

I dont know what to do either, if you figure it out drop me a line.

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A male reader, Moby United States +, writes (18 October 2010):

Dear Frustrated in Vancouver,

I came across your shout out when I was searching the web for solutions to the same situation. I found the responses by most of the women to be eerily similar in their reflecting of the situation as a problem generated by the male involved or that she is probably just too tired.

I think that these responses by women are just a load of crap. I know in my case that the overwhelming majority of the housework is accomplished by me in my home where my wife and I both work; me 40+ hours per week and her never a minute over 35 hrs per/w. I do all of the laundry; vacuum carpets, clean all the bathrooms, scrub tile floors, and help w/the dishes occasionally. She does almost all of the food preparation. I am the playmate of our live-in six yr old granddaughter. I wash the cars and take care of the maintenance and fuel for her vehicle. I nver stress her on her never-ending shopping only asking that as new stuff comes in that old stuff goes out. Yet, there is nothing happening in my bedroom.

My wife will hold out on me until I demand it (about a month) then she will lay there like a dead body while I "do my business on her." Oh how great a sacrifice she is making! Buying cars, jewelry, and other gifts produce nothing but "coochie coupons (she calls them) that I am supposed to be able to call in whenever I want to later sense sex right now is out of the question (she is tired/sick/stressed/anything else I haven't thought of/all of the above. These coupons are useless. In over twenty two yrs of marriage I have had more success with foreign country mail-in rebate forms than I have had with her coochie coupons.

Married women are lazy-assed hens that do not take care of business at home then wonder why their men seek solace between the legs of another. I have been left to my own resources for so long I can hardly function anymore. Yet she has positioned herself for a strong hand in divorce court should I decide to stray.

I'm tired of this frustration. My head hurts as much as my nuts. I am very close to letting it go. I am certain that her security is an issue. We just can't seem to get it together. Marriage frequently requires us to consider the needs of our partner more significant than those of our own. I feel that I do this daily. I really don't understand how something that requires so little effort on her part is denied to me so regularly it has become routine yet she benefits so greatly from our union.

You were looking for an answer; regrettably I do not have one for you. But do be grateful for the sex that is good when you get it. Could be worse. When I actually do get to lie with the wife it is akin to what I would imagine necrophelia to be like.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2009):

To the first female respondent. I have a similar situation as this guy. My wife uses sex to extort what ever she wants. It seems that when I give into her demands, he demands become more and more unreasonable and still nets less and less to no sex.

As far as 50% of the chores, I would be happy to do that, if she worked outside the house. Seems that women today want all the perks of a woman of the 40's but none of those responsibilities. They also do not want the responsiblilities of a woman of today either.

It seems that all of the talk shows on tv promote a feeling of self entitlement and the courts cut the legs off the man to have any control of the family stability. A woman gets affirmation off the insanity of TV and the power to leave a man homeless, no kids,a big chunk of his financial well being, and the financial long term future of his children.

Women wake up and learn to work with your husband and quit expecting him to be your slave. Look at the long term future of your children and yourself. You will find that you may be a happier person if you talk to your husband about issues respectfully and do not just use him.

I will also tell you a difference between men and women. Women tend to go to their friends to complain about a problem to get it off their chest and be heard by their friends (have their friends see there side of it; unimportant if they see the husbands side of it). They want affirmation. Men go tot their friends and will only complain to figure out a solution to the problem, and by this I don't mean divorce. I think this is the most major source of the problem.

So first responder it is the wife with the problem. Working a high stress job all day to support the family with not being able to complain to the company saying I need more money, I need more help, I need more benefits is 50% of the work load. And in many cases more than 50%.

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A male reader, Dont_care United States +, writes (23 November 2009):

Maybe you should try this:

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Let’s get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all

dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2008):

She is using sex to control you without a doubt. It is bullshit. I have the same problem. It is unacceptable conduct.

I suggest you tell her you are not going to live in a de-sexualized marriage.

The best idea I have ever heard and seen carried out was for a recently married man to move out and tell his wife he will come back when she understands he won't cheat but he won't stay in a sexless marriage.

I feel for you. My situation turned me into a raving lunatic.

I told my wife that she uses sex as a weapon.

If you did not have kids, I would say haul ass as soon as possible.

But you do. So tell her to have sex. If she does not leave her or get hookers.

Don't have an affair. They will get attached and cause all manner of grief.

If you are busted with a high dollar hooker by your frigid assed wife, then she will get that you are serious.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2008):

She feels undervalued and probably not very good about herself because women should not use sex as a bargaining chip (though they often do). It sounds as if your relationship is about mind games - best to talk it through with her calmly away from the house and the kids?

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A male reader, tux United States +, writes (7 December 2008):

tux agony auntI think this question needs a guy's perspective since so far only three women have answered here.

You say that being a mother is hard work, and of course I do not disagree with that. And yes the man should be there to help out.. BUT.. Here's the big BUT.

She is going around this in the wrong fashion. She is blackmailing him to do something. You are not in a relationship to blackmail one another, but to take care of each other needs. One should not need to fulfill a blackmail threat to fulfill a need. She is going about it in the wrong fashion which yes breeds contempt and frustration as you see now.

Now I am not saying she shouldn't talk to him about pulling more weight around the house, she should if she thinks he isn't. Problems should be dealt through communication and not through force. Withholding sex in her fashion is just extortion and I really don't blame him for being frustrated. IF she can't communicate her point, she should not be using force to make him do something, just like a guy shouldn't be using force to make her to do something. It's about communication which is what I thought women knew more about. This is not about how hard it is to be a mother, but the failure to communicate. Now of course if communication does not work, perhaps you are in the wrong relationship.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2008):

Stress is a Big killer for sex. Taking care of kids is so draining (we love them), but if there's anything you can think of to ease some stress off her life. It Helps! Sometimes I'd rather go to sleep first, then he softly touches me and I gently wake up in the 'mood'.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2008):

Hi, sorry to be blunt but you poor wife is probably exhausted and feels unsupported....the fact that she needs to ask you to do things means shes feeling the heat of being a mum to two young kids, Can you hinestly say that you do 50% of chores and childcare when your home....most men cant...(even when the wife works)

The majority of men and childless women have absolutely no idea how draining being a mother is...

She is using the only bargaining tool she sees you value.

Please understand that Im not saying its right, but what I am saying is that desperate people often do things that are not right just to get the support they need.

I think that if you started pre empting what needs to be done and contributing 100% on weekends she would probably be so relaxed and wanting to have sex you would be amazed.

I know other people might get on here and say oh...but he needs a break after being at work all week....but I can tell you right now, Ive been a full time mom of 4 and a full time worker, and going to work is a holiday compared to full time care giving....even after just one child..

Trust me the answer to this problem lies with you......

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