A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I feel like I've always seen other people, friends mostly, get together and be in happy relationships, but it's never happened to me. Until now. So I don't know what to do, how to deal with it. Apparently I'm a great catch. I don't feel like it though. Every guy I've ever dated, I've felt like it was only a matter of time till he saw through me and left me. First my dad left me and all through my childhood he said he couldn't see me. On his business trips it would cost $400 dollars for him to just stopover and land in my city. So it seemed I wasn't worth anything. Now I know my dad was always a millionare... and I still wasn't worth seeing. Then I was in an abusive relationship, where the guy put me down (among other things I won't go into) all the time so that he could feel better and know I wouldn't leave him. I don't know, somehow I don't feel like I'm worth anything, like it's only a matter of time till my boyfriend now realises I'm not worth anything and leaves me. I've never been able to see myself as someone who could be in a happy relationship. I know I'm probably quite a catch - I'm beautiful enough that my boyfriend can't leave me alone in a bar while he goes to the toilet without me getting chatted up by at least 4 guys. I'm smart enough that my IQ goes off the charts on a test that goes up to IQ160. And I'm funny enough and empathic enough that I can make anyone feel comfortable. I don't care what my boyfriend does. I know in theory I make an ok girlfriend but I still feel incredibly fake because people think I'm great. I know I seem like a great catch to other people, but I never feel like it. I don't know what to do, I feel like no one could ever love me. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, unluckyatlove  +, writes (3 May 2011):
I feel the same way as you, though I identified the cause long ago. I never picked up and read any self esteem books. I was raised by a grandmother who was verbally ALWAYS negative. She always told me, all my clothes were ugly,why don't you ever buy anything nice. When friends called or stopped by, she would tell them to leave or not to call anymore. She would tell me that my friends don't like you and that I should just stay home. Hearing this repeatedly from approx. 10 years old to 20 years old had a devastating effect on me. I soon alienated myself from friends. But I never knew why or how this affected me. I occasionally mede friends, but very few. And when I got one I would end up smothering them with myself, because I had a friend. In my 30's I was diagnosed with Bipolar, this created a rollercoaster ride of emotions and my moods altered drastically. I hid this from as many people as possible and became more isolated. Therapy helped and correct meds help now to maintain a balanced life. But as far as relationships go, I have had only one every 10 to 15 yrs.I can seek info. on the computer now, but I couldn't talk or ask a woman out to save my life. HELP
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2011): All your issues lie in a sense of low self esteem. Even though you know you have a lot of qualities, you can not feel it within yourself. Maybe to do with your Dad etc. I would look into counseling. You need to talk through why you feel the way you do about yourself. A man/relationship is not going to be able to fill that void, you need to do that for yourself.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (11 February 2011):
 Dare to show your boyfriend your true self, and dare to get rejected. That said, working on your self esteem, and getting over bad experiences in the past, take a lot of work. The best way to work through these things, heavy things that you struggle with, would be to talk to someone about it. If you do not feel comfortable going to a therapist about it, you could seek a good friend and spill out your heart, and all your thoughts. However, I believe that as you feel confident your boyfriend will "see you for who you are" and leave you, you also find it hard to build strong friendships. And thus I am guessing that you do not have friendships that you would feel comfortable spilling your heart out to.
This however is not because you do not have good friends. But because you don't judge these friendships to be strong enough to "see you for who you truly are" either. Am I wrong? If you can build strong friendships, and see that people will accept you for who you are, good with the bad, then you will also feel more comfortable with building a strong friendship with your boyfriend. A good friendship is essential for a good relationship. It is the core base of the relationship.
It takes time to build up the trust, and friendship, and it takes time to figure out how to express yourself, and how to communicate well with your partner. So do not feel like all is lost because you right now feel inferior, worthless, or like you lack this strong bond. It can grow. But you must work on it.
Working on self esteem, and building up strong friendships, require that you take some chances and trust in yourself. If you do not bet anything, you can not win anything, as the saying goes. You need to risk something to win something. You risk your safety, and risk getting rejected. But you can win trust, friendship, and love. Being in a relationship is a risk you have taken, and just being in one, and allowing yourself to open up to actually getting hurt by another human, is a fear in itself. One you have overcome. You now risk your boyfriend leaving you. But you are also hoping to win something, right? And the prize would be that instead of leaving you, he will "see who you truly are" and love you and cherish you for just the one you are.
Wouldn't that be nice? Working on your confidence includes taking these risks, and chancing on you being worth it. It also means that you need to dare to think positive about yourself. Right now it helps that you have a boyfriend, that's a self-esteem boost. And it helps to get picked up at a bar by handsome men, or to receive compliments. It all helps. But the main work you need to do on your own. You need to trust in yourself. You need to get to the stage of confidence that IF you are left alone in a bar, and no man comes to pick you up, or no one is giving you compliments, you STILL feel like the greatest thing alive. All by your own confidence. Set yourself a goal of how confident you would like to be, or pick a person you see as a confident person as an idol. And then work towards that. It wont happen over night, but congratulate yourself each time you take a small step in the right direction, and give it the time it takes.
Remember that you are not defined by the people around you, you alone define who you are.
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