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I do trust him, but I am uncomfortable with it. Am I in the wrong?

Tagged as: Dating, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 May 2015) 4 Answers - (Newest, 1 June 2015)
A female age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Me and my boyfriend have been together for a year and a half.

We have a great relationship. We communicate openly and generally its a very loving and honest relationship.

He's visiting his family in the US.

We both live in another country but are planning to move there next year. On one of his past visits to the US he did an internship (before we met) and met some people mostly women he used to hang out with.

I got to go there a year after that to the same work place and get an internship too to help me strengthen my cv. I met people there they were nice to me and they got to know i am his GF.

Most of his friends there were welcoming. Some just ignored me. But to be honest i didnt go out of my way win them over.

Now he's there again and one of these women he befriended there wants to come over to florida where he is and drive out with him to a far beach and resort place (3-4 hrs away from his parents house)

i am sure there will be partying and alcohol and he says they would probably spend the night since its too far. He asked me if it is ok? I asked him if it sounded ok to him. He said yes its two old friends hanging out. I asked him to take someone along. He said what if he didn't find anyone.

I said you rearrange till you do. Then he said lets talk about it when and if it is to happen. Then he tried to be cute and joke about how i dont trust him.

The thing is i do trust him but i am uncomfortable with it. Am i in the wrong? I dont know this woman well and being very good friends with my boyfriend (for the month he was working at the same place doing his internship) she ignored me very hard when i was there, while most of his other friends made a genuine effort to be nice. Am i being unreasonable or should i stick to my guns?

I appreciate your insight :)

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2015):

Good for you OP!

You did the RIGHT THING!


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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2015):

Thank you very much for your answers, they gave me great perspective. Courage to stand my ground. I am the OP.

I talked to my boyfriend about it yesterday. From the way he handled it and all the lovey dovey talk i think he knew him asking me that was out of line, he admitted that it would fishy going alone with her -even though nothing would happen he says- then he said he would tell her he cant unless she brought her son along, whom he says is around 12.

I said no, bringing a kid along doesnt make it a group activity. He then kept saying i shouldnt worry and that she's old (she's only 40) and that he just thought it was going to be a nice trip to see her and pay back her generosity.

I still said NO. It bothers me that he kept trying to convince me. But at the end he said dont worry i wouldn't do anything you are not happy with.

I know he wouldn't go behind my back, but all this wrecklessness and insistance for going makes me uneasy still. I believe that you've gotta choose your battles so since he promised only to do what i'm ok with i think i'll leave it at that.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2015):

I agree with the previous poster (anon) and feel you should stick by your guns and say no.

My partner has a long time female friend he goes out to dinner with on occasion, but despite knowing her reasonably well, l would not allow him to go off for the day with her and spend the night somewhere. Absolutely not.

It's easy for your Bf to use the whole trust issue as a way of getting what he wants but it's not as simple as that. Even if you trust him, how can you trust her?

Also would he be happy for you to do the same thing with a male colleague/friend? I doubt it.

You're not being a possessive, controlling Gf if you say no, simply a wise one.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2015):

If this were me, I can tell you that in no uncertain terms I would tell him he CANNOT GO.

Non negotiable.

Some DC readers will think this unreasonable... Actions coming from a jealous and insecure girlfriend who is controlling and doesn't trust her boyfriend.

Well, sometimes we have to take the offensive and PROTECT our relationship when we see possible trouble coming. It is called GUT INSTINCT. And although you may trust your boyfriend, you are not trusting of this woman you know nothing about. But you do trust that something is off about her. I mean why would she be cool towards you and ignore you? There IS a reason. She obviously has designs on your boyfriend. Otherwise she would be nice to you. Women's behaviour is so clear and obvious when it involves competing for men. Her actions speak loud and clear. Don't ignore your instincts about her. She IS a threat.

I would not allow it. It is a recipe for disaster. She has her sights on him. You may trust him to behave. But how about if a situation arises where he has had too much to drink... who knows? She may make sure of this. And then he may have a temporary loss of judgment and have sex with her in a drunk stupor. She will already be angling for this and setting it up. Trust me. It's the perfect set up. There could be so many instances where a lapse in judgment can occur.

Men can be trustworthy but they can also have moments of weakness under the right circumstances. Want to take that chance?

The best defence is a good offence.

I don't know but the fact he asked you if he could go is a bit fishy too. I don't see why he has to go. Almost like he is asking your permission to be with another woman in a social situation... not right.

I believe in putting yourself in the position to do something you might regret whether that seed has already been planted in your mind or not...

So to avoid any regrets, it is best he does not even go to begin with. Then there is ZERO chance of your trust being betrayed.

I have pulled the heavy with my BF. He said some women clients invited him for drinks and golf and I said if he goes, we are OVER. I said if you want that kind of lifestyle, go for it but you will be single. And I too will be free to go out and mingle with other men in bars and such.

Too many people trust too much. You can't EVER trust too much. Eyes always wide open.

Sometimes you need to exert a little control to protect your territory.

And if he really truly loves you, he will respect your wishes without making a production out of it.

It's that simple.

Really think about it.

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