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I do everything for him but wipe his a$$!

Tagged as: Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (31 December 2006) 4 Answers - (Newest, 15 May 2010)
A female age 30-35, *dvice_please writes:

I started dating this great 27 year old guy about 4 months ago. He had just gotton out of a long-term relationship, so we started things slow. Well, the next thing I know, he's over at my house every weekend and eventually exchanged "I love yous." He makes it clear he cares for me in public, raves to his family and friends about me, and makes sure he tells me verbally how much he cares for me. The problem? I have this bad feeling that I have become his "replacement girlfriend." I drive him everywhere (he has no car), I lend him money (he makes nothing since he's a poor student studying), I clean my basement everytime he stays over (he leaves without cleaning)... I do everything for him but wipe his a$$, and what am I getting in return? Nada! No flowers! No tokens of appreciation! No gas money! I'm making more money, but I SAVE IT! I work hard for it, and I'm not ashamed of my income. Is this really the generation of "the women are the new men?" I feel like I'm dating my son and that I'm his sugar-mama. Tonight I'm sick and staying in... where is he? At the bar. When he's sick, where am I? At home giving him a back rub and watching reruns with him. I guess I answered my own question but here it is: Am I wasting my time? I'm 23 yrs old, financially secure with a career on the way. Should I hold out and hope he'll change or move on in search of another "prince?"

View related questions: flowers, money, move on

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A female reader, Witchy United States +, writes (15 May 2010):

He's not going to change. Clearly you'll never think well of this guy (i'm not calling him a man)! Once you start doing these things for him he becomes accustomed to it and expects it, calls it normal and therefore does not have to appreciate it. The thanks, the flowers, the gas money will never come. You're a smart girl, prince charming has his own ride.

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A female reader, rammsteinfan United States +, writes (1 January 2007):

rammsteinfan agony auntI am adding a little more if you don't mind. I re-read what you wrote about your bf, and how you explain in detail about him..Besides my son he reminds me of, he also reminds me of this guy who is 35, who also has add A friend of mine, whom i stayed with while i was in getting over a horrible relationship. I had to get away.

My friend is such a slob...never picks up after himself. did things on the spur of the momment without thinking. He even left the house and was suppose take his son (9 at the time) to the beach!! He was down at the bar.

I even cleaned up the kitchen, which was just horrible...it looked like the dishes were there for a months!!! I didn't know where to begin! it took me over 2 hours....the floor was filthy...no mop..had to use a rag and bucket like Cinderella!!!!

My friend came home from work....didn't thank me...and with an hour's time the kitchen was messed up again!!! He made the dinner...when he dropped stuff on the floor it stayed there he didn't pic it up...and he spilled lots!

His table manners are non-exsistant....along with everything else!!!!

Well....he started back taking his medication for add...It is a stimulant drug..and his forgetfulness (well actually short-term memory loss..which he would forget where he put certain things)

Does your bf say things that are either hurtful or embarrassing? Then regret it later? That is adhd...add is like what i have...but i don't blurt out things without thinking what i am going to say...

He should get diagmosed to see for sure.

I don't think that you are a "replacment girlfriend" as you are thinking of yourself. There is hope believe me!! Please hang in there...you won't be disappointed!! Also in the meantime do a research on add and adhd and read other people's posts on their relationships with their their SO's. I think that will help you and your bf's problem. Oh please let me know what happens...you can send me a private message if you want too....

HUGS AND LUCK TO YOU 2!!!!

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A female reader, rammsteinfan United States +, writes (31 December 2006):

rammsteinfan agony auntGosh, I agree with rhythmandblues2...Mama'a Boy!! I think that he stayed too long at the family homestead!!! But really now...I think that he should get off his butt and find some kind of employment to help out around the house. You haven't mentioned that he is physically handicapped, so he should get a job!!!! Not only for helping around the house, but for him to feel good about himself!!! Maybe he could have add or adhd...It sounds like that to me...add is not the hyperactive one...it is like daydreaming, sometimes doing things off the top of his head. Immaturity is one of the traits...talking about embarrassing things. Because when you mentioned what he was like....it reminded me just like my son....diagnosed with add/adhd

But anyeway I hope that you both the best!!!! Hugs

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A reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2006):

Ok, I am a lot older than you are and I will agree that there has been a shift in a certain class of young men out there who love nothing more than having a strong woman make the money and take care of them....here is what I think about that....I think these are the new versions of mama's boys hiding behind being a liberated kind of man.

These guys are unreliable, immature, lack ambition and really don't care about much except getting all of their needs met.....I think from your description this is one of those guys who is trying to move into your basement!

You can do better, why is he a poor student at 27, and you are already done with that at 23 and earning your own money? Because you are too mature for him, unless you want a son to raise, look for a guy that has a little more on the ball and knows that being a liberated man is not about finding a substitute mommy to have sex with, but is about sharing responsibilities, both financial and emotional, making important decisions together and pulling your own weight and being interdependent not dependent.

You know what to do.

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