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I can't help but think that she is hiding the fact that its all become too much for her and she is struggling to end it

Tagged as: Troubled relationships

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Question - (22 February 2012)

13 Answers - (Newest, 24 February 2012)

A male age 51-59, anonymous writes:

Why does she blow hot and cold. She says she loves me but of late is very quick to tears. I can't help but think that she is hiding the fact that its all become too much for her and she is struggling to end it. She is supposed to be moving in with me in a few weeks, now that this is immanent she is withdrawing saying that its overwhelming for her and her son. she also says that she is afraid that things will go the same way it did for her previous relationship - he was abusive and all but kicked her out.

I have done everything in my power to make her feel secure and safe without suffocating her. I am now on the verge of leaving her. this will either be exactly what she wants or it will destroy her...what can I do???

Thanks!

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A female reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (24 February 2012):

Your very welcome :) x

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2012):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks Mandy ;) x

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A female reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (24 February 2012):

so maybe all she needed then was a firmer but fair reassurance that your not going to be the same. I hope this continues to get progressively better for you both. I would add though also try to be YOURSELF now she has been informed of your feelings about this matter.

Good Luck

Mandy x

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2012):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

We had a long talk and I pretty much laid it in the line - not aggressively tho!!! I simply said "if you continue to think negatively and live in the last this isn't going to work. I am NOT your ex and have no intention of messing you around".

She's a different woman now, back to her gregarious affectionate self!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2012):

What about you give her an 'out'. Suggest you try it for three months, and if she prefers that you keep your own separate homes after that, you'll help her find somewhere else to rent and your relationship will continue as normal. This may just give her a sense of a 'window' and not feeling trapped. Her son should know that it is not a permanent arrangement and just for three months, so he can deal with moving again. After this period, she may just realize how great it all works, and want to stay on.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2012):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

My relationship with her son is fantastic - we get on really well!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2012):

Well if your already living together? she has to a)find somewhere fast for herself and son to live. Or b) move into your home and live with you.

I can only think she is having doubts about your future together, you really need to ask her how she feels regards to a long term relationship with you.Another thought - whats the relationship like between you and her son?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2012):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Hi all. the move date cannot be stalled. Her house that she rents is going to be sold shortly. We did plan on moving in my house (we're already living together) later in the year. Now it just has to happen sooner than we planned.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2012):

How long have you been dating ?

Sounds like she is just not ready for the next step, if you love her then be patient, giving up her home and there being no way back is probably freaking her out especially as she has a son.

I do think her reaction is excessive though, so she is definately either insecure or having doubts. Probably not about you but the moving in.

Have you asked her if there IS still a future or if she wants to wait to move? Let her know you will be around, no pressure, regardless.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2012):

Understandably, she will be feeling nervous given her past. She is not just worrying about herself but also her child. She is admirable for that and the fact that she is not just running willy nilly from one home to the next, she is exercising caution and who can blame her.

For your part. If you truly love her, you need to be an absolute rock, talking now about splitting up will only confirm her worst fears, that as soon as things get tricky, you will bail on her. So be steadfast, reassure her to the nth degree and be very patient. You arent dealing with Miss Average here, you have a partner who suffered in the past and will need you to go the extra mile for her. If you can hang in there, even delay the move date if she is not ready yet, I am sure in the long run things will turn out great.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2012):

Her past relationship is colouring her view of moving in with you. It is a move that maybe she is not ready for. So be patient and put off her moving in with you until she is very comfortable with the idea. A little time will show if she is cooling on you or she is trying to protect herself from pain.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2012):

It sounds like she needs to work through some baggage from her past. It also sounds like she is not ready to move in with you. It is a step, which once taken, is difficult to go back on without upsetting the relationship.

Don't move in together yet. Why is there a rush? Give her more time. That is showing love for her. When you show her that respect, she will probably love and trust you more.

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A female reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (22 February 2012):

please dont end it with her, she is obviously very scared of a repeat of the last relationship. Its not just her she is thinking about its her child too. just be there for her, let her know what ever she decides you still love her and that there is no pressure. Her ex could have said all the right words, really loving, but the minute he had her under his wing changed into a monster, and from this its so very hard to trust again, but if you end it with her now she will think what she was feeling about you was right and you were going to be the same. You need to tread carefully here if you truely love her, and want to take the next step, if she see's that there is no pressure or rush to move in with you, she may start to relax. This is a big step to live with someone, but for her even bigger given the last time she did. be strong and hang in there she will soon see that your NOT the same.

Mandy x

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