A
female
age
30-35,
*iss sweetheart
writes:My boyfriend of almost two years cheated on me. The sad thing is I had a feeling he was cheating on me. I kept asking him did he still want to be in the relationship and he would always say yes I am in love with you. I would ask is there someone else, he would say no only you. Went over to his house to spend quality time with him and we were talking kissing etc... So after that I don't know something tells me to look at his cell, so I find all these explicit messages to someone I ask who it is he says it's his boss, next it was a one time thing, next two. I cried throw ed the phone at him he has a bruise now and ran to the bathroom he came in crying saying he was sorry or whatever. I didn't believe him so we went back to his room and kissing etc went on he called himself apologizing while he was doing blah and saying he loves me. Some time later there is a knock on the door and guess who it is? The girl he is cheating on me with and he acts like I am not there and she is mad ask for her stuff back. Long story short the girl respected me and gave me a hug and said she was sorry. My ex is now mad because he just lost two people at the same time. So he starts crying and said I didn't give him enough attention blah blah.His friend asked why you just want say you love her as a friend he said no he loves me more than that. But guess what he writes me and tells me I ruined everything. Do you think he even cared about me?Sorry so long
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female
reader, miss sweetheart +, writes (28 January 2009):
miss sweetheart is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you sooo much too sensitive. I scanned over the article as I am printing it out now, and my ex fits so many of what was listed of what a loser he is. He played so many games with my heart and yeah he made me feel like I was losing my mind. Do they ever change? Will he? He also told me he loved me too soon the first day we met he told me he loved me, and he wanted to marry me. What a jerk! Thank you
A
female
reader, Too Sensitive +, writes (28 January 2009):
Serves him right. I'm glad he lost both of you at the same time. He doesn't deserve to have anyone in his life with his attitude.
How dare he put the blame on you for his actions. You didn't make him do anything - he chose to do what he did. If he never bothered to discuss his needs with you, such as wanting more attention from you, then shame on him for that too.
Read this article about dating losers when you get a chance. Perhaps besides the section entitled, "It's Always Your Fault", you may notice other behaviors which fit the relationship you had with him. Hopefully that will make you feel better that you are now out of this relationship. What he did is a red flag, and his attitude about what he did and blaming you for what HE did are red flags too. Here's the article:
http://www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html
You were probably giving him plenty of attention, but for people like him, it's never enough, no matter how much. Even if you weren't, it was probably b/c you were subconsciously pulling back due to character deficiencies you sensed from his end. If you can't already tell, I will defend you in any way I can, however I have to. You have been victimized, and I really can't stand to see that.
Try not to beat yourself up over whether or not he cared. People like him, when it comes down to it, really only care about themselves, in my opinion. The fact that he will not take responsibility for his actions is very alarming. And, he was trying to have his cake and eat it too, as they say.
Try to be strong, though you will need time to grieve, heal, and move on from this. Be glad you found out now, rather than later.
Good luck, dear. I am so sorry for what you have gone through - I know you are hurting and trying to make sense out of this - but you will survive and move on to bigger and better things. I just know it.
And try to forget about making sense out of this. Chances are you never will. Don't waste precious time and energy in doing that.
Just know that everything happens for a reason. As painful as his cheating and blaming you was, you needed to find out about it now rather than later. This guy has personality and/or character flaws. You mention having "so much history of him hurting you and promising things would be different". So it sounds as though there are other things which have happened that have hurt you too.
Read the article, and visit the psychologist author's website (link at the bottom of the article page), for he has other great articles which illustrate negative relationship behaviors which you may find also fit. They may further reinforce and make you realize just what you've been dealing with, and if this is the case, reading them will make you feel better about no longer being in this relationship.
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A
female
reader, miss sweetheart +, writes (28 January 2009):
miss sweetheart is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both so much. I agree he is the one who ruined everything. She told me that if she would have known we were still together she would have never done anything with him but he lied and told her it was over with me. I was like wow at least he told her about me but couldn't tell me about her he acted like she was a tramp or something. Than when the whole truth came out he turned his back on me and ran after her.It would be so different if I would have caught him and her together but it didn't happen that way. We were holding hands, talking, just being a loving couple and than bam it all blows up. That is why I am hurting so much. She is kind of like a friend to me now she told me anytime I need someone to talk to she will be there for me. I respect her for that. I have cried soooo much. When I talk to her it doesn't seem like she was as emotionally invested as I was. He was with her for two weeks. Also what hurt me is when he was crying more and said she rubs his back and tells him everything will be okay, she comes to pick him up and takes him home and looks him in the eyes and tells him she cares. I feel really bad about that but he act like he was always there for me. We have so much history of him hurting me and him promising it would be different. We were going to get married this year. He threw it all away just for a two week romp. I also wonder was he ever going to tell me. That night he said he just can't get me out of his mind and he can't let go. Well obviously he did. Than I just think about how the same lips that kissed me kissed her. He wanted to have sex before marriage and I didn't so that night he kept asking and saying baby I am going to marry you. I am so glad I didn't but how could he marry me when he was cheating? I just can't tie it all in. How does this man think?!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2009): I agree with planepocket on most of his points except one, to me tears do not represent an indicator that he cared about you, because if he really did he wouldn't have blamed you for the failure of your relationship, when he was obviously the one at fault.
He even used that old fabled "you didn't give me enough attention" excuse, the most over-used bullshit excuse there is for cheating. There is no excuse for cheating, none!
If he felt that way, he should have said something, that's how it works, not try and guilttrip you by projecting the blame on to you.
It's possible he did care for you, but not enough to not hurt you. You are far better off without this loser and I have to say I must respect the girl he cheated on you with because she did the right and honourable thing by you in the end. Hopefully he'll learn a lesson from this but judging on his attitude that's unlikely.
Good Luck!
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A
male
reader, planepocket +, writes (28 January 2009):
I'm sorry this happened to you.At first it sounds like he doesn't care but if he was crying he must care at least a little.But not enough to be with just one of you.I don't see how you ruined anything,he did.If you talk to him again tell him losing will become his whole life if he continues to cheat on girlfriends.
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