A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I need some help!!! I am 32yrs old have 3 beautiful children and i am inlove with a woman who is my bestfriend... I know the feelings are mutual, I know they are real...What I don't know is how to tell my kids b/c I want to spend the rest of my life with this woman??? I am so scared... Help!!! Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Greasy  +, writes (12 June 2011):
I'd say it bodes well if you've been open w/your kids about everything - all you need to do is be honest/declarative, then listen to how they feel (read: empowerment through listening, yadayada). With the father, I don't see why it's important for him to accept your relationship or not - insofar as you're already separated and his relationship with the kids won't change. So all you'd need to say is that "I'm seeing someone" or "I'm seeing a lady". If your seeing someone will affect how often or the nature of his visits with the kids, though, the two of you ought to hash that out. This would hold just as much as it would if you were seeing a man, getting married, or moving.
If the fact that the someone's a lady is an issue, or if you foresee the father trying to influence your kids' opinions of your relationship, then you could always use the opportunity to set some ground rules such as "You can judge all you want, but please keep that to yourself around the kids." (Not that anyone could hope to predict how they'll influence their teens' opinions on anything, that is.)
Well, I hope that helped - all the best!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2011): O.K. lots of good feedback I think I need more... My kids are 15, 14, and 10 years old... I have been extremely open with them when it comes to all aspects of life... I also need help how do i tell their father who just dislikes everything about me already?
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A
male
reader, Greasy +, writes (11 June 2011):
Hi there,
I think the 'How' depends on a few mitigating factors, i.e.:
- your kids' ages,
- how you've talked to them about relationships until now,
- the predominant values in your community
If your kids are very young, say pre-school or early elementary, I'd say you don't need approach it any differently as you would if you were starting a heterosexual relationship. That is, if the kids are that young, they haven't learnt to be intolerant of difference. What they will need to be reassured of, though, is that they're still '#1' in your life & that your love of them hasn't and will never change. (They need to know that their mom is still going to be their mom, in other words.)
If they're a bit older, I'll assume that your family has talked (either directly or indirectly) about the world, including human relationships. Depending on the values they've adopted or been habituated to, it'll be either easy or difficult to bring up the subject. If they're used to being able to talk about friendships, etc, with you - then that's your 'in'; if that's not something your family normally talks about, then it might be more awkward. I'm guessing, though, that if you've been raising your kids on your own you've had to talk to them about their dad at some point, so this shouldn't be very new territory. That said, your kids will still need to know that they're not losing their mom and that they're still #1.
The values of your community can make things more difficult, but whatever those might be, you shouldn't let that stop you from pursuing your relationship. Both marieclaire and olderthandirt's PoVs are valid here: if you live in, say, the backwoods of Alabama in a town whose culture is less liberal than a Taliban village in Afghanistan then, yeah, your kids' worlds might be turned upside-down and you may need to educate/empower them to be comfortable with your relationship. Again, I'm not saying don't pursue the relationship - you absolutely should. The mitigating factor is the extent to which your community's value system recognizes the normalcy of it, and that will necessarily change how you need to equip your kids to 'own' your relationship either in line with or despite community expectations. Where I live, if anything, homophobia is the 'abnormal' state - while it certainly exists, mind you, intolerance of same-sex couples is far more stigmatized than are same-sex couples themselves. You're in a better position to know the values of your community so the amount of educating you'll need to do is ultimately up to you. Again, though, don't let that stop from pursuing your relationship. A proviso is this: If you do live in a place where intolerance is the norm, my advice would be to tell your kids that - if they want to - you'll move. Note the "if they want to": it's important to give them the power to change things, but without changing your relationship with your gf. (My own feeling is that, even in backwoods Alabama, your kids would have your back in the end - the important thing is that they're empowered to *choose* to have your back.)
Well this has turned into a book, but I'll cut to the chase: the answer to your "How" is "empowerment". If your kids are younger, empower them by making sure they know their mom will still always be there for them. If they're older, then add to that education along the lines of what marieclaire talks about. And since there is a community out there to help you (kudoz, topher747), you're in good shape.
Good luck & all the best!
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A
male
reader, topher747  +, writes (11 June 2011):
 i'm in the opposite situation to you, im trying to tell my parents i'm gay.the ideas i have come up with so far is a letter, which will give people time to react and think about what your telling them.but... i think that the best way would be to tell them straight out and just tell them how you feel and exactly what you want them to know.they are your kids they love you no matter what happens.hope i've helped a bit. im going to add your question to my watched list, so if you want to ask anything i'll look :)i might be young (18) but i can help if you want
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (11 June 2011):
 Ouch! There is not going to be a calm future in the family. Unless they are super liberal I think you may have an identity problem with them. Their worlds are going to be turned inside out. Just keeping it real. good luck
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