A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:ok this question is for guys, there is a guy who is interested in me and wants to spend time with me. i want to be with him and spend time with him too. i'm just wondering, what do guys consider to be too needy or too clingy, that might push a guy away? for example how many times to call or try to get a hold a guy in a day, etc, women can answer this question too if they want, but i would really just like to know from a guy's perspective what guys consider in a woman to be needy or clingy Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (6 April 2011):
 Well I am not a man but the majority of my friends are male so I think I have a reasonable idea of what men want from a girl!
Ok, here are my thoughts:
1. Phone calls & texts - too many = clingy. So the question is, how many is too many? Well, the general rule should be text him once in a day, and if he does not reply - DONT keep texting asking why he has not replied. If he has not replied then chances are he is busy, phone may have ran out of battery etc so leave him alone and wait for him to get in touch with you. If you text him, and he replies - then it is fine to keep the conversation going, but if he stops replying, dont keep on texting him. Also - dont be the first to text him every day. It will show him that you are independent and have your own life if you are not the first to text him all the time, so a few days a week wait until he texts or calls first. As for phone calls - always fewer phone calls than texts. Phone calls mean you have to stop what you are doing and spend time talking to someone, so keep these to a minimum unless you are going for an extended period of time without seeing him (i.e. more than a week).
2. Too clingy/needy - generally this can mean different things to different men, but here is what you SHOULD NOT do:
- Ask him how he feels about you all the time
- Ask him what he is thinking
- Ask to see him all the time (let him so some of the chasing!)
- Text and call all day every day
- Moan at him if he does not respond to your texts/calls quick enough
- Hold onto him at all times when you are out together (i.e. dont hold onto his hand at all times, you dont have to be physically touching all the time)
- Get upset with him when he chooses to do another activity that doesnt involve you (we all need some space, so dont get upset when he goes out with friends etc).
- Ban him from going out with the boys doing typical boys things
- Ask him questions all the time (interesting questions are fine, but dont keep asking him how he feels, where he is, what he is doing, who he is with, what he is thinking about etc)
- Not trust him for no apparent reason
- Ask him about ex girlfriends/other women/celebrities then get jealous and upset when all he has done is given you an honest answer
- Say 'I love you' all the time
- Make up pet names for him then expect him to do the same for you
It is all common sense really, generally being too clingy/needy comes from insecurities within - so identify what your insecurities are, and then make sure you dont force them upon him.
All men want is a happy, fun, interesting, sexy and intelligent woman who is happy alone, with friends, and with her man. He wants you to have your own life, your own interests and passions, yet to also spend time with him and be loving and fun. Men like women who are independent, but they dont want someone who is so independent she wont let her man in her life fully and wont let him do anything for her.
So the ideal way to be independent yet approchable and interesting is to have your own hobbies/passions so you have lots to talk about when you are with him, and things to keep you occupied when you are not with him. Whenever you worry about how he is feeling about you - try and figure out why you are worried first before you blurt out a tonne of annoying questions, see whether it is your own insecurities or whether it is really his behaviour. If it is his behaviour that is worrying you then simply tell him how you feel and what he is doing that is making you feel that way, so you can resolve it together.
The male mentality is 'if there is a problem - fix it' whereas sometimes women just want to get something off their chests and 'talk' about it rather than coming to a resolution. Always keep that in mind, and if you want to offload consider whether he is the best person to tell, or if you can offload it onto a friend/family member etc.
From the sounds of things it is all going well so far, so try not to over-think things and just be yourself. Most women can tell when they are being irrational and needy, so learn to take more notice of your own thoughts and behaviour, then you will be able to control yourself more. And if you want a bit of a laugh (yet in an educational, this is what you shouldnt do type way) - watch how to lose a guy in 10 days. That is the ultimate movie that shows how women push men away by being needy and clingy. Obviously hollywood rom-com nonsense, but the general rules in there are quite true!
I hope this helps and good luck!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2011): My boyfriend (or ex, sort of) thinks I am needy and clingy. What made him think this is that I went through a time when I became very emotionally dependent on him. I was in a bad living situation, new in town, few friends and handling things in a needy way and he bore the brunt of all my needs. At that time I was kind of depressed and I secluded myself and always depended on him to be with me. It made him believe that I could only be happy with him but that I couldn't live without him.
I am in a much better place now. We don't love each other any less because of it. Fortunately when a man loves a girl he naturally wants to be there for her, even through hard times. But neediness in excess is annoying. And if it becomes excessive and constant, it can lead to more serious problems and possibly erode the passion and glue of the relationship.
How many times in a day to call holds the same rule as it would calling anybody else. Call ONCE and if they don't answer wait for a call back. PERIOD. No ifs, ands or but's.
FYI, calling repeatedly or calling too much is not considered needy or clingy..it is considered obsessive and psycho. Big difference.
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