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anonymous
writes: Hi there,I wrote in a few weeks ago about my boyfriend of 5 yrs who was incredibly selfish and only wanted to think about himself and no-one else, (BJC - his name is Adam and you answered my question - I'm not sure if you remember?) He didnt buy me an Xmas present or a 21st birthday present, always put his friends first, told me he didnt want to get married or have children, if I didnt call him he probably wouldnt call me for about 3 weeks until he realised I hadnt been around for a while and then pick up the phone. More recently I wasnt very well and he refused to keep me company as he wanted to go out with the lads all the time. Well now we're over and although I think its for the best as he didnt treat me properly I miss him so much and wonder whether I should just ring him up and try and get him back and tell him that I dont mind him doing his own thing as long as we're together? How do you get over your first love? I am 22, Ive been with this guy for so long that not being with him feels so alien yet at the same time it doesnt as I hardly ever really saw him. I dont think I want him back unless of course he was a changed man and wanted to treat me right but this heartbreak is so hard to bear, does anyone know any tips on making it easier? We ended it mutually and have agreed to be friends although we wont be seeing each other for a while as it will be too hard, please help...... Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (3 February 2005):
 Hi there,Of course I remember you and your description of Adam. I'm glad that you realised that you're worth more time and effort than he was giving you and that you gave yourself some time apart.The first couple of weeks after ending any long relationship are going to feel strangely empty. That's not really a surprise; you had him in your life (sort of) for all of your adult years. You're probably used to certain routines that you had together and the fact that you didn't have to think too hard about who you were going to socialise with. I understand that you probably feel a bit cut adrift all of a sudden.The good news is that the empty feeling goes away surprisingly quickly, when you find that you can now do things that you want to do, whenever you want to do them. That means you can feel free to stay out late with your friends, or conversely, that you can stay in when you want to. It means that you can hire a stack of DVDs on a rainy Saturday and watch them without worrying if they're too boring for someone else's taste. It means you can have 500ml of double-choc ice cream for dinner if you want to (as long as you calculate the kilojoules into your daily intake!). In short, you get to please yourself for a change.Now is a good time to get in touch with old friends from school, or accept those social invitations from work that you never felt you had time for. Maybe you'll consider doing a fun evening class in art or dance or language (also a nice way to get to know people with the same interests). Now is also the time to try going out with someone else.I suggest you hold off on contacting Adam for a little while longer (a month would be good), so that you get a taste of what your own life is like, and can decide whether he's an asset to you or a liability. It may be that when Adam sees what his life is like without you that he might be willing to put in more effort to show you his affection... but it would be a mistake to *expect* that to happen. I reiterate that you deserve to be treated with love and respect by your boyfriend, be that Adam or someone else. You should be able to count on someone who wants to spend time with you _at least_ as much as he does with his friends, who remembers your birthday, who knows he wants a future with you, etc etc. Be strong for a bit longer and make an effort to stretch your social horizons. It will take your mind off Adam and get you into places where you'll meet other men and women who have the same interests. You won't be sorry you did. And if you and Adam decide to get back together at some point later, you'll have had time to be really sure that that's what you want.Good luck.
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