A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Does anyone have ideas on how to break what has become a destructive cycle in our marriage. Namely, when we are angry and arguing (which is normal), things escalate to the point where he is calling my every filthy thing that comes to his mind and I either plug my ears and cry, slap him or run out of the house and take off in the car, and I've actually called the police before. This is so tiring, heart breaking, and we need to stop it. We love each other and are always sorry, so I don't want to hear how we should split up, but perhaps if someone has constructive ideas we can use to break a destructive pattern that we have created.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2009): I know how you feel because I sometimes get into that kind of situation with my wife. But you can find good advice on this site:
http://www.solutionbay.org/problems/after-marriage-problems
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2009): You need to start arguing about the facts of the arguments instead of pressing each others buttons and emotionally escalating confrontations.
Stay focused about the facts of the arguments. This way you will stay focused and once the facts have been covered your argument will stop about the given topic.
I just came across this advice last night. It's on pages 81-83 of Till Sex Do As Part by Dr. Trina E. Read.
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A
female
reader, timetoheal +, writes (17 June 2009):
 I guess someone just has to step up and be the "bigger" person...the "hero" so to speak of the realationship, as hard or heated as the argument can get...don't run, dont slap..that is not communication, that is WANTING to win! If during a argument your sole purpose is to WIN, then you have already LOST...so maybe you can start making the difference and instead of getting worked up say, "you know what, maybe thats not a bad idea", "or you might be right" At the end of the day it is worth it, cause once the respect is lost, you can have all the love you want, but the respect is what will allow you to co-exist and build a solid foundation...and if there are kids in the picture, you definetly want to be the 'bigger person' for them...break the cycle now--they are watching and learning EVERYTHING you teach them...is it really worth it? All over what? --PICK YOUR BATTLES---BE A HERO----DONT FOCUS ON WINNING--BE AN EXAMPLE TO THE LITTLE ONES FOLLOWING BEHIND...IT IS TIME TO HEAL!
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A
male
reader, Your friend  +, writes (17 June 2009):
 I think this is one you need to see a professional about. We can give heaps of advice but it will require an effort from you both, you can't just do it from your end. This is confirmed by the violent explosions when arguing, if you have any chance of staying togther get additional help before its too late.
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