A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear agony aunts...I need some practical advice on how to deal with insecurity rooted in past relationship rejection.My last relationship ended because my ex-girlfriend abruptly broke up with me. This literally was a case of "I love you" in the morning, to "I think we need to end it" in the evening. I later found out that she dumped me because there was another guy in the picture. In fact, she'd been communicating with him for months. He convinced her to dump me long before she actually did it, so basically I was being played for a couple months.I did notice a bit of distancing, but it was nothing that anyone normally would get worked up over. Such as, she wasn't calling or texting quite as often. Or she'd take longer to respond to Emails or texts. Or, we'd not see each other nearly as often as before. But she was also in school so it was a plausible excuse that she was just getting busy with schoolwork.Obviously after finding out I'd been lied to and played for months, I developed some major insecurity.Now I'm with a new girl. She has done nothing direct to violate my trust. We see each other probably once every 1-2 weeks, until this summer when we're planning to go on a small vacation together. The problem I'm having is dealing with the feelings of insecurity which I'm 100% sure are being dragged forward from my past relationship.For example, if she takes "Too long" to respond to a text, or if she has to cancel getting together on a given weekend, the red light starts flashing and the red alert alarm goes off. To make matters worse, we have a current issue regarding a friend of hers who "likes" her, who I know for a fact she's informed she's taken and will only be friends. Thing is it still drives me insane when she talks to or hangs out with him, simply because I know he wants her. Like I said, this was the start of the end for my past relationship, so the insecurity is dragged forward.I've talked to my gf about my problem and she even knows the story of how my ex dumped me. She always reassures me there's nothing going on, that she'd never do what my ex did, and so on. I DO believe her, because logically she's never done ANYTHING that would be proof of distrust. However, my insecurity feelings will make me sit with a twisted stomach and a sick feeling, running through insanely convoluted scenarios and so on. I'm sure some of you know what this feels like.I don't have the financial or insurance resources to see anyone "professional" right now. I've talked with the people who volunteer or offer in some way free help. The problem is all I've ever gotten from any of these people is the standards: "Just realize she's not your ex, and you can't compare her." The problem is I already know this. I need more than this. Like, are there any mental exercises I can do when a "panic attack" hits? Is there any real way to ditch these feelings, or will I be "coping" with them forever?Since what my ex did was pretty severe, it almost feels to me like a form of PTSD. Whenever anything that resembles the situation that caused me so much pain comes around, I get freaked out. It scares me because I know a lot of PTSD people who spend the rest of their life avoiding situations or having to cope with panic attacks, and I don't want this to happen to me... I really do love my girlfriend that I have now, and I don't want my own past issues to screw things up.I don't want to BE the cause of another breakup, so lately I've just been holding this in. She already knows I have some insecurity because of my ex, so repeatedly telling her that I've been petrified because she didn't answer my text or didn't call me back would make me look pretty pathetic quickly. But I need to deal with this and fast, before it gets to the point where I can't just ignore the feelings.Advice would be greatly appreciated....thank you
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2012): I suffered terribly when i was dumped by my ex and this made me so insecure and frightened i wouldnt allow my boyfriend to get to close in fear of being dumped but he never gave up on me and after 18 months of patience, hard work and determination by him to show me how much he loved me and wanted us to be together i can say the insecurities and fear i once had have long since faded and im very happy with the man i love
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