A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:This is more of a discussion question than problem, but i've been thinking about it and would like some opinions. What is love, and can you fall out of love? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, devastated2008  +, writes (3 September 2009):
 My opinion... romantic love has many forms.
I believe that love is a bond that is created by meeting the needs of the other person. The more needs the other person meets the stronger the bond, the bond is strengthen over time as trust and assurance that the other person will meet your needs in sufficient quantity is proven. Likewise, the bond can be destroyed...aka loss of love...by neglect or hurtful, selfish behaviors and failing to provide for their partners essential needs.
This is not the same as initial attraction "crushes" or "puppy love" "love at first sight"... those may be termed love but they are primarily driven by hormones, pheromones and other biological responses. Those feelings are usually necessary in the beginning but real love doesn't occur until those feelings leave and you make a conscious committed decision to value the well-being of the other person above all others.
Most people have difficulty moving into this stage because we are all inherently selfish... this type of love requires sacrifice and a choice to love. Love at this point is as much an action/choice as it is a feeling, at times requiring a person to act lovingly even when the feeling isn't there. This is the point where most relationships end.
Most of us prefer not to analyze why we are "in love" we just go with the overwhelming high and think we have no control over who we love. This is not entirely true (although partially). An outsider could likely analyze why you love someone or feel love (what your getting out of it)...simply because they are able to look at it objectively. We may not have control over the initial attraction feeling but we do have control over what we do with that feeling... and who we allow to meet our needs.
There are some basic needs that we all have, but we don't all prioritize the needs the same... when those needs are met we feel love. Typically those needs include emotional connection, physical touch, sexual fullfillment, attraction, financial security, stimulating conversation, family committment, ... anything that you value highly and NEED in order to feel content.
Frequently just as icelordess said loss of love is gradual... failure on the part of the other person to meet our primary needs in large enough quantites while simultaneously destroying the bond with the damaging behaviors causes loss of love. Then when one partner is no longer "feeling" the love and their needs are not being met they have no reason to stay... if abandoned partner tries at that point to meet the needs and correct the damaging behavior it is often too late. Leaving partner no longer trusts them and has no motivation to let the "love" in no matter how sincere. Leaving partner therefore "fell out of love."
Which is why I say that love is a choice... falling in and out of love is not a passive uncontrollable thing... we may be ignorant and lack self-awareness but it is still within our ability to control. Let needs be met...aka love... refuse to let needs be met...no love.
A final stage of love is...Forever Love requires us to be able to put the needs of the other person first regardless of their input. This then is a whole new level and in my opinion can rarely be obtained without God, because we are all inherently selfish beings. Most of us can not love without having our own needs met(usually first). Where God comes in is providing the "neglected" partner with the essential love that is not being provided by the partner, which allows the "neglected" partner to continue giving past the point of human ability. And honestly I don't think many people want this kind of love because they don't trust God to meet their needs... and as stated we are all selfish beings.
Just my opinions :)
A
male
reader, EpeeGuy +, writes (2 September 2009):
You know, I've thought about this quite a bit recently as well. I've always been of the thought (I am an idealist, I guess), that shen you create tha tbond with someone, if it really is love, then it takes something drastic for it to change quickly, but that it can fade over time.However, my recent experience has made me seriously reconsider my viewpoint. Since this is a discussion, I will keep it fairly short, but the situation I had was like this:My most recent ex (and one I am still trying to recover from), told me that she loved me more than anyone else she ever had. She was telling her parents, her siblings, her friends, my friends, that she was going to move (we were in a LDR) and move in with me. She also started bringing up marriage and hinting in the last 2 weeks that we were happy together.Literally 2 days after telling some of my and her friends (and out of the blue, not at any prompting from me), she got very distant, less than one month later she broke up with me. Up until the point where we stopped talking (possibly forever), she told me she did love me still.So, yes, based on my experience, love can leave quickly, unless I am missing something, which I do not believe I am.So, where logically, I would say no, I have to remind myself that emotion is often not logical.
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