A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Where do I start. My boyfriend and I have been dating officially 7 months and unofficially almost a year. During the beginning of our attraction i was seeing someone else and he was flaunting girls in front of me to get my attention. However I did not know that from the moment he met me he did not touch a single female, he made me think otherwise. So I continued this relationship with this other person but the entire time I was holding out for him, had I known what he was really doing or not doing I would never have stayed in the other relationship. This past semester in school his mental illness came full out that had been growing since he was a child, he hated school he hated everything, he hated life. His family and I combined efforts to do all that we could for him. I was the true only person that saw him at his weakest, his family had an idea but since we were both away at school I was his rock, he has since then told me I saved his life. His issues are still there but we have since moved on.I decided to live at school for the summer and work so that I could be an hour closer to him, we see each other every weekend if not more when we can. Recently he has been paranoid about me cheating and has said lately he has been distancing himself. He has even talked about this problem to his parents and tells me he wants to work through it but has no idea how.He is growing resentment towards me for dating that person and being romantically involved with that person, he feels that if i could do that then, I could do that now however I struggle to get him to understand that he was not exactly honest in his previous endevours and also led me to believe something else. Our past is our past. I guess what I'm asking is this, we've come to understand that it is not necessarily our relationship that is the problem, its that many of his issues that deal with the mental stability have seem to come up less and he has focused most of his attention and paranoia towards the relationship which is otherwise amazing. I don't know how to stress that I understand he has trust issues, and all of this other stuff going on. It baffles me that after all of this, after seeing him at his absolute worst and staying with him through everything that he is now suddenly growing uncomfortable with me.I've come up with a couple possible reasons: 1. He's scared to just give up holding something against me because that means he would be completely exposed and vulnurable to me. 2. He's stopped talking about the things about his life due to the mental illness and now has focused most of his efforts on this which leads me to believe it's not the relationship but he wants everyone around him to assume that he's doing better in the mental category but he's not and by talking about this and subconsciously taking his outside issues out on the relationship because he knows I'll be there.Please help, its just such a trying experience, he truley is the love of my life, I want to fix my relationship, he does too, how do we take the resentment he has towards me off of the relationship and to a place where they really belong? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, heatherrrrrrr +, writes (31 July 2008):
 I get what you mean by alpha male. I think if you make it very clear you are coming from a place of loving concern, he should take it alright. You can say something like, I love you very much, you're the center of my world, etc, and I don't want to imagine my life without you, and if you'd be willing, I would like to get an objective opinion from someone who has experience with the kind of stress our relationship is under right now. Let him pick the therapist if he wants to. It's not all about him, this is about you guys getting through the rough patches now so that you BOTH know how to deal with it later if he relapses. Think of a therapist as training wheels on a bike. Eventually you will learn enough about each other to know intuitively what is the correct action to take, but right now you are just toddlers at this and there's nothing wrong with getting a little help.I sincerely wish you the best.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionheather+,Thank you! His manic episodes that were a result of his mental state have all of the sudden taken a back burner, and I havne't realized all of this until now. I am very fortunate to be very close with his family however as too often I've found, he is a product of his environment and I cannot blame him for his mental instability. HOWEVER I do feel very valid in saying that the episodes have subsided but I am concerned that he subconsciously has turned towards blaming this solid foundation. It seems that what he is saying about our situation is alllll too similar to what he was saying during his manic episodes. I am convinced that he is perhaps unintentionally, detouring the attention away from his episodes and the real issue of his mental health and searching for something in our otherwise seemingly great relationship. He acknowledged tonight on the phone that it all made sense. I'm sure our relationship has problems like any other, but I really feel that the issue at hand is that his mental stability was never really established or fixed, he's on medicine and moving towards that place but his medicine isn't right. How do I go about approaching this situation. I can pretty much say whatever I want to him because that is how we are, he acknowledges that this is HIS problem and that I have done nothing wrong. How do I go about approaching him about his problem in a way that won't seem like I'm calling him messed up or degrading him, however I advise he is a typical alpha male to some extent
...............................
A
female
reader, heatherrrrrrr +, writes (30 July 2008):
I feel your pain, truly. I was in a 2 year relationship with a man who suffered from extreme mental problems and it was my job to be his rock. He took out his insecurities about the problems he was having on me all the time. Even though I realized this at the time, I could not get it through his head that his problem was not with me, it was with himself. He would even admit that it was HIS problem, but still took it out on me. This is what I gained from that experience:If you don't want to play therapist/emotional babysitter to this guy for the rest of your lives, you're better off getting out now. If you think you can handle it, or that this guy is worth it, I would suggest going to counseling together. A professional is the only person qualified to answer the questions you have because it is his health that is the biggest factor here. He may need new medication, there may be some kind of problem he has yet to confide in you.In any case, yours and his safety is what matters most. If he is unstable and you think he might harm you or himself, definitely notify his family and/or the proper authorities.
...............................
|
