A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend is consistently passive-aggressive when he doesn't get his way, and on many occasions has subtly made small jabs at me for various reasons. It's completely unnecessary and makes me feel terrible. Because of this I rarely compliment him or tell him how much I care for him. He acts as if it's not good enough when I do, because it wasn't done his way. When he's in a bad mood it's like nothing will satisfy him. He's in his mid-twenties but still throws tantrums, and I'm having difficulty dealing with his immature behavior. He treats me well otherwise, and is generally very thoughtful and respectful. This behavior comes out only when he's frustrated or unhappy. I don't want to break up with him, but I feel very disrespected when he acts out towards me. I've confronted him about it a few times, but he gets very defensive and claims he didn't mean it or was only joking, and that I shouldn't take what he said literally. Obviously he's just trying to cover his ass by saying that, but I still feel at times like I'm getting upset over nothing. I don't want to fight with him over something so trivial, but it really bothers me nonetheless. How should I handle this situation?
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male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (22 October 2009):
You dump him. Psychological abuse always starts small, then works its way up. If you give him his way on small things now, five years down the line, your confidence won't even exist. there are guys out there who will make you feel loved and respected, and accept that you have the right to make choices that he will not always be happy about. Youy boyfriend is acting like a jealous child.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2009): You need to ignore him when he's acting like that. I'm not proud of it but I'm kind of the same way, but it's only when I'm in a bad mood or unhappy. It's not something I can help to be honest when I'm like that there is no talking to me and there's nothing anyone can do to alleviate it, I have to go be alone for a while or go do something and let it blow over.
When I'm like that I'm like a little kid that wants candy but is not allowed, it's the exact same. There's no logical reason I should act that way and I have very little control over what I say or do when I'm like that. If my girlfriend is close by then she'll feel the brunt of my mood. I'm never abusive or anything like that but I can make meaningless yet snide remarks towards her.
In the beginning of our relationahip she took those remarks personally she didn't understand that it truly wasn't anything to do with her and nothing that I said I meant. Plus anything she said or did only fed the frustration.
Nowadays when I'm in a mood like that she can tell or I will say it, she realizes I'm incapable of rational thought at that time and she ignores it. She doesn't ignore me, nor does she walk on eggshells she just won't bother with me trivial details until it has blown over. It doesn't happen very often and with no input from my girlfriend when I'm like that it quickly blows over. I'll just go for a run or go a few rounds with a punch bag.
It's important for you to realize that it's nothing to with you and if he could flick a switch and turn it off he would, just give him a bit a space when he's like that and it will blow over.
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