A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I'm a 33 year old female and I'm at my wits end with my controlling mother!! I never seem do do anything right no matter how hard I try and basically my life should revolve around her.Growing up I spent a lot of time with my time with my mum going shopping etc, I moved out when I was 29 into my own place and met my partner at around the same time. Life became very difficult for me then as she would always be on the phone giving me a hard time if she hadn't seen me for a couple of days and would be very angry if I chose to spend a day out with my boyfriend rather than her saying "after all these years and you put a stupid man before your mother" then she wouldn'd speak to me for days...This kind of behaviour has gone on now for 4 years, she criticises me, my friends anything I do etc. Recently she said "you're not the daughter you once were, you're life is just full of shit!!"I always try to please my mum, take her shopping, she doesn't like to drive, call her everyday, visit her and my dad every other day but it's never good enough.The only time I feel relaxed is when they're away on holiday and I don't have to justify my movements to her....can anyone help please???
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2007): Hiya !At last! someone like me ! I have exactly the same problem as you , im 38yrs old with a husband and 3 children and im still not allowed to have a life outside of my mum !!!! ive just read an article on ehow.com how to deal with a controlling mother, it has 10 steps on dealing with the problem, im going to give it a go, it sounds promising and to be honest i know just how hard it is to not tell your mum too much about your life when your bieng interrogated by her, even if it is because she cares so much, we shouldnt be made to feel guilty for living our own lives !....good luck, i hope you get it sorted, learn to have some confidence that should help us both !
A
female
reader, Strippa +, writes (2 November 2007):
 Hey you
Wow! You have to be assertive on this one - tell your mom politely but firmly that actually it is her life that is now full of shit & she used to be a better mother! She is obviously struggling to let go, and i feel for that but this is your turn - ask her how much of her time does your dad take up??? Would she have time for somone as demanding as she is when she was 33 - i doubt it - this is probably reflective of her own mother so remember.....mirror mirror on the wall i am my mother after all! Be careful you don't end up like this x be firm polite & tell her you have your own life now x good luck sista x
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A
female
reader, Fade878  +, writes (2 November 2007):
 http://groups.msn.com/narcissisticpersonalitydisorder
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A
female
reader, Fade878 +, writes (2 November 2007):
What happened to Mom and Dad's marriage? I don't think Hubby was present be it emotionally or physically. This sounds like emotional incest in that you were expected to take on the adult role of a partner. Be her friend, be there. This is emotional abuse and in direct violation of her role as Mother.
She may just be Narcisitic and there is never pleasing them. You have to be viligant on resetting boundaries.
Chances are that most people who are emotionally abusive; they themselves have undergone living in a home where one or both parents where abusive themselves.
How was Mom's home life? Unfortunately this sounds like she will be needing counselling to address unresolved needs and issues to being healing and recovery.
If she is like this with you, her own flesh and blood that she is to love and rear with respect, unconditional love, and instill in you trust and safety-what was she like with Dad? Or anyone else?
Have you thought to get counselling to counter this abusive dynamic? Have you thought to heal yourself and get the skills to deal with your parents, especially Mom?
It's a wise choice.
Mom may not want to change, she may actually believe she is perfect and it is everyone else that is not and that does not deserve any form of respect, love, freedom.
Maybe putting some distance between you and Mom will give you more of that peaces you so deserve.
You are an adult. She has no qualms punishing you for not jumping to her every wish. Why not move and put yourself first.
Will you ever please MOM? Is it worth your health and emotional state?
The answer to above is ALWAYS no. Not when it comes to abuse.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2007): Tell her that you are 21 and you are grateful for all she has done in the past but now you are old enough you would like to live your own life. Dont be afraid to speak your mind, she is doing it. You do have a right to a life without mum. Be firm and stop calling home every day, do it every other day and then only once on a weekend. Tell her that you love her but she is spoiling things but acting in such a domineering and controlling way. If this doesnt work, then emigrate!!
take care
xx
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A
female
reader, beauty981946 +, writes (2 November 2007):
well,you are old enough to be your own person now.tell your mother exactly what is on your mind and if she has a problem just leave her and she will soon come back because to her,you are still her baby and she just wants to protect you.but i still think you should tell her how feel.
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A
female
reader, maryann61181  +, writes (2 November 2007):
 She does sound very dificult and it may take a long time to get through to her. Try using I statements. For example, Mom, I understand what you are saying, but I feel this way when you do this, and I would appreciate it if you did this instead. Keep it simple, but provide her with a solution, to make her feel like she came up with the solution. Giver her - her do. She is your mother and she feels that you should be the one to fall at her feet. Make her feel powerful when she's talking to you, but really you're the one in control. The 'I' statements really do work. Any counselor will start with that at least.
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