A
male
age
36-40,
*icclhan
writes:So I've been with this girl for 2 years and I feel I am at a point where some hard decisions need to be made in regards to the relationship.At the moment I live with my girlfriend and have done for a year, the relationship has developed into quite a friendship which is great, but the other side of the coin is that the more intimate side of our relationship has almost disappeared. Which is what I have to admit is making me feel about moving on.I have tried to speak about on a few occasions to no real difference, the conversation always escalates into an argument and I back off as she makes out that she feels sex isn’t everything in a relationship. Which i agree with partially, but no sex, is not right!What I need is advise on how to really communicate how I feel without allowing the conversation to escalate into an argument, so we can resolve the issue? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2010): Sounds like she needs more non-sexual affection. If you have been pressing her for sex, she will back away and believe that's all you want. But you want sex, because that's how you communicate love and intimacy best, right? Step up your affection game. Court her all over again without getting naughty. She'll look at how you treat her special and help her as a turn on. If she is blind to your sweetness and taking you for granted, then there's the root of the issue.
No finger pointing or screaming when you disagree. Work out win-win situations. Ask her if she's been feeling distant, or feeling as if the only reason you two are together is for sex. Gently tell her that you care for her beyond her body. Then note the things you love about her that are non sexual. (You do love her and know her well enough to do this, right?) Then state that you aren't good at discussing how you love her, so you show her. You show her with wanting sex. You satisfy the need to intimate with her in this way. Men are like this, as they are action oriented. How does one act upon love? Physical touch, that's how.
Please tell her how you love her and why, then assist and compliment her non-sexually. Be patient. Don't press for sex as you court her all over again. She'll feel cherished, and that's the turn on you'll be looking for. If she has any sense, and you really are gentle and persistent in this, she will come around. You just wanna love her and sex her right.
A
male
reader, dirtball  +, writes (13 October 2010):
 Often, the person on the receiving end of such statements feel like they are under attack. That's usually what causes the defensive reaction leading to a fight. Usually the best way to have a conversation that usually leads to a fight is to bring in a moderator. Some relationship counceling is what I would suggest.
You are absolutely right that sex is important to a relationship. It isn't the only thing, but without it you're nothing more than glorified friends. After only 2 years together, it's not like you're an old married couple who don't have sex drives anymore. Truth is, a lot of old couples still have regular sex since ED drugs came about. She isn't right to ignore your feelings on the matter. It's like she's saying what you feel doesn't matter and that's not healthy. If you can make her understand that, maybe you'll have a chance at breaching this discussion in a productive way. Her not talking about it = her ignoring your feelings. Both partners in a relationship's feelings are valid and should be open to eachother. Discussion is the only means to convey those feelings. "Can we please discuss this? It really is important to me for many reasons."
Often when sex is cut out of a relationship it leaves the partner who still wants it feeling unloved and not valued. What you are feeling is natural and healthy, along with sadly too common. I hope you can find a way to get past this!
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