A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been in therapy the past five years because I was sexually abused repeatly. Things are recently getting better but sex still makes me very nervous at times. I've been in a relationship with my bf for two years now and is very supportive in the bedroom. (He comes from a similar situation.) Dispite this I still can't get over this awkward feeling while we have sex and I can't get over my gag reflux. I haven't had any nightmares this year and I'm just wondering if I'll ever be normal? How can I relax while having sex? Is it ever going to be possible? Thank you Reply to this Question
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female
reader, kayla20  +, writes (22 March 2010):
 being abused makes it hard to trust no matter how much you want to.i was abused at 16 i suffered from nightmares, the thought of having sex sickened me made me really nervous and i felt dirty however my partner at the time was very supportive of what i had been through he took things very slowly and gently during sex and in time i managed to put the past in the past and move forward although i cant help it coming up in my head from time to time.i try to reassure myself that not everyone will do such things but trust is still a bit of a problem for me.i am very insecure in bed,wont let my partner see me naked and when we have sex i dont allow my partner to handcuff me,tie me up or anything like that it makes things easier.i find that even though i dont like talking about what happened nearly 6 years ago i had to explain my feelings to him he was very understanding and as time has gone on i feel very comfortable with him and am starting to feel a better connection with him when having sex and am able to be a little more experimental however i think if i was to get another partner id be back at square one.just try and make sure that you feel comfortable and anything you dont like doing talk to your partner about it.im sure it must be worst for you having been through it repeatedly for me it was just the once but i tell myself that i wont let the guy that did this to me win i have to stay strong and fight and not let myself fall as a result of what has happened to me
A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (22 March 2010):
 If there is any guy who has been in the situation, same thing applies.
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A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (22 March 2010):
Dear anon,
----------------------MENTALLY----------------------------
I can only begin to guess how sex may be for you.
However, all I can say is, you are going to find, that your boyfriend, if what you are saying is true, is a loving person, that would never be like the person who abused you.
All you can do is wait until you trust him enough to counter all the distrust your abuser caused you to have.
All your boyfriend do is be as patient and supportive as he can be until he has broken down your walls.
We all have out trust issues, our quirks, and our inhibitions.
Those who end up helping us realize whom we love and want to open up to, are the ones we will eventually open up to.
Would it help to say, that if he is truely loving and supporting, that you will one day open up to him completely?
------------------------------PHYSICALLY-------------------
I have been with a couple of people that were in your same shoes.
The only thing that I could have done and did was listen to what happened to them, earn their trust by doing exactly what they wanted me to do, exactly how they wanted it, and then go from there.
Perhaps he could work more on the foreplay, the kissing, and the emotion of it. Without a good emotional connection, there is no physical connection.
Without emotional trust, passion, and security, felt by you in the moment, there is no real chance of physical relaxation for you either.
I hope that helps and I think it is possible :)
Sincerely,
Vincenzo
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