A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey everyone,I've been with my boyfriend, "Francis" for 6 months now. I am almost 20 and he is in his mid 20s. I'm a second year university student and he already graduated and is working. For the last few months I have been learning more and more about him and his past. In high school, he used to be made fun of and he hated himself. He held hands with a girl for the first time ever when he was 20. So he thinks he's a late bloomer, but I don't care. He told me himself that he has low self-esteem and also can be egotistical, he even accepts that low self-esteem and ego together is a contradiction and joked that if he had a shrink, even the shrink would not be able to understand him.Now the part that hurts - he told me that he wakes up everyday wishing he's someone else. I told him that I don't wish him to be someone else and that he should love himself; that I like him for who he is and I don't want to lose that person. He seemed to accept that it is how I am feeling about him, but I can tell that he still doesn't like himself. Giving him tons of compliments won't help because he accepts them with the cutest smile, and I am not the only one giving him compliments. The problem is that deep down, he does not like himself, no matter how much compliments he got. This is my first real relationship. His old relationships were either short or long (1.5 - 2 years) on-and-off relationship; so it is his first stable relationship that long. It looks like he can be a real asshole if I cruelly provoke him, but I never do that, so he has always been kind to me, always. Oh also, he told me that he does not like to be "lonely" (aka being single, but he won't use that word). So now that you've read the background, hopefully you can answer my question: What do I do about his whole self-esteem situation? He has been good at hiding that problem because he does not appear to have that sort of problems, even to me - he is a person who is very good at getting along with people, and with confident. I feel helpless, I really do want the best for him and it hurts me to know that he feels that way when he gets up in the mornings. I want him to love himself. What should I do?Thanks!!!
View related questions:
university Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2010): "It looks like he can be a real asshole if I cruelly provoke him, but I never do that, so he has always been kind to me, always."
This IS emotional blackmail. He has obviously done/said things to you to make you feel like as long as you tiptoe on eggshells around him, the "baby" will stay happy. He is trying to intimidate you. Do you think a guy who really cares about you wants to indimidate you? NEVER. Clearly he does have anger issues. It is only a matter of time before they are directed at you.
"Oh also, he told me that he does not like to be "lonely" (aka being single, but he won't use that word)."
Another form of emotional blackmail. By this he wants to make sure you know that if you don't behave and keep the "baby" happy, he will replace you in a heartbeat.
Look, just like Cerebrus said, most of us have been abused, bullied, made of fun, beat up, you name it! We all still go about our daily routine without it being an issue! That's called growing up and having maturity. Something this guy is really lacking. Unlike the rest of us, who have gotten over things, he has a major grudge with the world for all the times his ego has been shot. This is not a normal way of handling life and a classic sign of sociopath/psychopathic tendencies.
I did date a psychopath once. He sounds alot like your boyfriend. He couldn't hold down a relationship. All his relationships had been on and off. They were all "crazy." He always had a pity story about how badly he had been abused and mistreated (as if his case was so unque). I always felt like I was tiptoeing around him just to keep him happy. And he HATED to be "lonely." He ended up assaulting me, threatened to kill me and I had to run to the police, file a restraining order and relocate...imagine that!
Google: 'Narcissistic Personality Disorder' when you get a chance and read some literature on it. I have no doubt it will be eye opening for you. I told you something is very very off about this kid...WAKE UP, be careful. He is not who you think he is. If I were you I would get the hell out of this relationship fast.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2010): It's just one of those things then OP, he has to deal with this himself, as long as he's happy being with you and makes you happy than that's all that matters.
I had a girlfriend that was very unhappy with her weight as in it made her really feel bad about herself. I know how you feel when you say you want to help, but I found the only way was to reassure them whenever they mentioned it and then let it go.
Everything else was okay in the relationship and we worked well together but she hated her weight and that never went away.
I must say she wasn't obese at all, a tiny bit pudgey but I find that sexy.
it always came back up OP always, she never did anything about it either.
Look if this bothers you from any other perspective than you want to see him happy then it might become a problem. As long as the only reason that this bothers you is because you want him to love himself as much as you love him then you'll be fine. Don't worry about it, in fact just reassure him and let it drop. Trying to help him might actually push him away. By just having a loving girlfriend like you he should eventually see he is actually worth more than that or you wouldn't be with him.
Just let it go OP, you can't make everyone happy about everything.
My ex still thinks she's horrible and fat, but it doesn't really have any bad effect on her current boyfriend because he just says "no you're not baby" and that's that.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2010): Hey, I am the OP. Alright, before I begin, I would want to say that this topic of his low self-esteem/ego comes up only once every 2 weeks or once every month and it has always been brought up by me asking him directly about it or by either of us from a random conversation drifting to this topic. Other than that, it has not been draining me of happiness - everything's going really good.
Cerberus,
- He does not use emotional blackmail against me nor does he has anger issues. At least not in our relationship - I don't know what it was like with his old relationships, though.
- You are right, I guess I do give in because it's sometimes easier to just move on and get over the little things. However if it's a big deal/serious, I am a fierce little woman and will stand up for myself, even against Francis ;)
- His reasons why his old relationships failed are: he moved way too fast with a girl so that girl left him, too much fights, through agreement (both parties agreed that the relationship wasn't working out thus ending it), and, yes, "crazy exes" (I'm not taking his word for crazy exes, but I believe that it is a possibility).
- I do not think that it's cute/endearing that he's vulnerable. I don't find that attractive at all. I like confident men, and he does portray as one. Like I said, him talking about his vulnerabilities regarding self-esteeem/ego is a once per 2 weeks - once a month thing.
- I read that link you gave me thoroughly and I am happy to report that he does not fit the criteria of a loser. The closest he is to a loser is that he likes to be logically right all the time (but he admits that he's wrong sometimes) and he has some bad stories (as do I).
- Finally, you are right - there is nothing I can do about it, only he can change.
Anonymous,
- You're saying that he's faking it. (By the way, his "issues" don't come up every single day - see top of this post). Do you think that he is faking it if it's coming up only once a month? I don't think so, but I guess it's a possibility.
To summarize, it is a big WTF as to why is he waking up in the mornings wishing to be someone else when he appears to be content with life and enjoying our stable relationship (he said he likes the change from bumpy old relationships to this smooth new relationship). It doesn't make sense to me.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2010): OP do you want to be his girlfriend or his mother? Because you can't be both.
He's a grown man, this is who he is and you either accept him for who he is or you don't. If he has long term psych issues then he's the only one that can solve them.
Frankly it's not a good sign at all, he has a history of on/off failed relationships, he has severe self esteem issues, he has a tendency for emotional blackmail, he has sociopathic ego tendencies and he has anger issues.
This is the longest "stable" relationship he's had because you've been very good at dismissing these things because you think he will change, you're young and don't see the potential for conflict in the future. Trust me you have been able to tolerate this so far and you've managed not to "provoke" him or set him off but that won't last forever.
You see OP people with a history of bad relationships generally aren't relationship material. Now I don't mean people who have dated lots and had bad luck or people that have had stable relationships end for various different reasons each time. He doesn't fall into these categories, he falls into the category of guys that just can't maintain one. I bet all his reasons for why the other ones failed were all the girls fault, they cheated or they didn't understand him or any number of excuses. He says he was bullied, made fun of and hated himself well boo hoo poor baby. So was I when I was in school, I used to get the hell beaten out of me and yeah it made me feel like crap but I fought to get past that and I fought to love the person I am and I truly do.
This one has worked so far because you don't demand anything of him, you don't mind that he's an emotional mess or that he has severe mental issues because you're a motherly type of girl. You're the type of girl that would give in rather than create conflict. You like to take care of people and are very quick to feel pity for people and empathize. So you actually feel sorry for him, you think it's cute that he's so vulnerable and find it endearing because you don't actually know that this is actually a very serious matter as regards your own well being in this relationship. This guy is an emotion leech and so far you've been able to feed his ego but if you slip up once he's going to rage on you and you're going to have to constantly fight his problems.
No matter what you say, how you say it or what you do, you cannot help him and he's been like this a long time he's not going to change.
I'm not slagging your boyfriend or trying to heap misery on him perhaps he has the potential to be a nice guy but at the moment he's a grade A loser.
http://www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html
All of this behaviour is long term and it represents a major red flag. I hope some more of the female aunts that have dated guys like these can tell you their stories because they're not good news, this guy is not good news and issues like these don't just go away, you can't change them and if you're worried now then just wait and see what happens in the future when the honeymoon ends, so far you've only seen the tip of the iceberg.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2010): This boy is quite a bit older than you, therefore much wiser, don't forget that. He sounds to me like somewhat of a manipulator. He knows right where he has you and he knows exactly what to say to you so that you will just eat it up. I really don't buy his pity story. Furthermore you should never baby a man. He is a big boy, he can take care of himself. It is too bad that he wishes he could be somebody else. Tell him that you prefer a guy who is happy with himself. That will catch him off guard. Be careful with this guy. Something sounds really off...
...............................
|
