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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:helloi'm a single mom with an unrully four year old who seem to be as controlling, and disrespectful than a rebelled teenager. The child yells at me, throws things at me, and ignores me when I say no. I try to put boundaries but completely goes over it. Can anyone please tell me what can I do to control this uncontrollable child? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2009): behaviours can be modified if they can be identified. If a child feels afraid, they can show it by being angry and disrespectful. Try to find out what is the underlying cause of fear.
Sometimes children test the boundaries to make sure the parent loves them unconditionally. Tell him that he is greatly loved and that he is so precious, but there is an aspect that must be removed. Show and example: take some icecream and put a speck of pepper in it. Show how that pepper must be removed before the icecream can be enjoyed.
Smiles and hugs can be a part of the discussion. Wait until the child is calm before trying to speak. Sometimes the child needs a moment to cool down.
Open pathways to discuss what causes fear of abandonment or fear of abuse.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you every body for your opionions and advice. It takes weight off me. I have an idea of what I'm going through and how to get a grip of my situation. Thanks to oldguy too, I got a sence of your point of view.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2009): It's time for tough love. One of the hardest things to learn as a parent is that you're not there to be the child's friend, you're there to parent. In your follow-ups you've said you've *tried* this and that, but the child still over-rules you. In a healthy relationship, a four-year-old child does not overrule the parent. Period.
You have to be strong, and you have to be consistent. You have to make it abundantly clear what behaviour is unacceptable, and punish that behaviour. It will take some time for you to figure out what punishments are the most effective. Denying privileges, like TV or whatever, are useful. And yes, as a last resort for particularly egregious behaviour, spanking is an option. With a child like you describe, I'm sorry to say there has to be an element of fear -- fear of a punishment that will be serious enough to get his attention.
At the same time, be aware that such behaviour can be a call for attention. If the child doesn't think he's getting the attention he deserves, acting out is a sure way to get it. Yes, as adults we think that they should only crave positive attention. But if he's feeling deprived, he'll take attention any way he can get it.
So -- if his behaviour is such that you can't go to a restaurant, go to a friend's home, whatever, then don't go. Avoid situations where you *need* him to behave well, because you're just setting yourself up for another power struggle. Avoiding those situations avoids giving him power.
I know that sounds unrealistic when you're a single parent. And I understand that you feel guilty that he "doesn't have a dad." Regardless, that's the situation you're in, and your job #1 is to have him emerge into the world as someone who is fit to be with. That starts now.
Shelve whatever guilt you have -- about there not being a father, about being too harsh. If he learns to 'play' your guilt (and a 4 year old can, easily), you're sunk.
Lavish affection on him at any time when it's not connected with bad behaviour. It's the two of you against the world just now. You *are* his world. Love him, cuddle him always and without reservation. Drop whatever distractions from the outside world that need to be dropped -- he is your focus. Be firm, regardless of puppy eyes, but hug him and love him always. Don't let him push buttons, and don't let him use bad behaviour to get attention. If your attention is lavish always, then he's not learning that he gets it only when he does bad things.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSatin, ACS is not where I want to go in order to discipline my child.
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female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (29 June 2009):
 I think you are letting your guilty feelings get in the way of providing punishment and structure. Yes, he is your little man, and you love him, but part of parental love is gentle correction.
I know it will be hard to ignore the puppy eyes, but you have to do it.
I know it will be hard to ignore the screaming tantrums, but you have to do it.
Your child is screaming out for someone to stop him and show him the right path. It will be hard to do but he will appreciate it when he's older. There are some great web sites and forums out there with more information.
http://www.parenting.org/
http://childparenting.about.com/library/weekly/topicsub2.htm
http://www.parentingweb.com/
Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am trying to avoid spanking. I know that would increase guilty feelings. I try to do my best being that i am a single parent. But I am wondering if his acting up is a result of an absent father. The other day he wished he had a dad. I can't force my ex to see the child even when there's a visitation order. It's not in my control. Does anyone think that by his age he already know what's going on?
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2009): How long ago did you try? Sometimes ansewrs take a long time to post.. I'm sorry though if no one helped. :(
I was hoping you'd have better luck there.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionanonymous, I tried, he would just get off the chair and wouldn't listen. When we go out, I have to take him in a stroller. People criticize me because he's too big for it. But they don't understand how terrible he behaves when he's in a store or just walking out side the street. To the point where he sticks his leggs out the stroller and practically tries to walk away with the stroller on his back. I hate screaming at him to make him stop. My guilty feelings gets to me. I only have my mom helping me with all this. The guilt kicks in when he gives me those puppy eyes. I can't have visitors in the home because he starts to act out terribly, to the point where they have to leave. I am afraid that he would grow up to be an abusive man, especially to me. I get that feeling when he sometimes hits me. I try to hold his hands but he is very forcefull. I wonder if he'll ever change and I also fear for his social life when he gets to school. I love him so much because he is my only child, and in some way my little companion because I'm always alone. Sincerely, I tried that link but no one ever answered.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2009): To the right of the main page, you will see a headline that says "Our other life advice sites." And under that you will see "parenting." (all very tiny font)
I think you may have better luck there! I"m sorry i can't help, but i can at least direct you to help.
~Sy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2009): Get a 'Naughty Chair' and learn when to use it! Seriously, do you ever watch Nanny 911? I used those same techniques before they became famous... basically, take control of the situation by using your brain, not your emotions. Hold the child responsible for his behavior - REWARD good behavior with goodies and allow him to realize the consequences to his poor choices - as in a time out. Consistency is the key. It will most probably take a couple of days for the new routine and way of life to sink in, but once it does, you will realize that the child is no longer the one in control - YOU ARE - as it should be! When my kids became teenagers, I put them on a 'Level System' where they earned their privileges and suffered the consequences when they made poor choices. Kids crave structure and they learn to trust themselves and their environment when consistency is a part of their life. Good Luck! and don't give in!
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