A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I need advice, preferrably from someone that understands Asian culture. I am a 21 year old female Asian American. I met my boyfriend in graduate school and felt instant chemistry despite our different backgrounds. I grew up in a quaint suburb in the United States, while he is African and grew up in Nigeria before coming to the states to pursue his bachelors and doctorate degree. Our life experiences contrasted so much, yet we fell in love so quickly and soon began practically living together. Three weeks ago, I came home and told my parents about my boyfriend, unsure of how they would react, but still felt that they should know. They reacted extremely negatively and couldn't accept our relationship even though they had never met him. In their minds, the cultural differences were too much and they couldn't bear to see their daughter choose a path that they knew would cause extreme suffering. It was so hard to hear about their extreme disapproval because I love my parents, but they were generalizing my boyfriend and associating him with what was portrayed through the media. Call me naive, but I was unwilling to give up my position because my feelings for my boyfriend were so strong and I thought that as an adult, I should be able to make my own decisions.I returned back to school with a horrible conscious on my mind and a day after my mother called me threatening that if I did not come home, she would cut me off financially. I still stood my position and told her that I would go on financial aid and be financially independent. I was not prepared to give up my boyfriend, my school, my friends, and essentially my happiness for my parents. My parents then planned an intervention and met me at my apartment to take me away. I resisted as much as I could, but they physically stripped me of all my belongings and wouldn't leave until I left with them. I was put in an impossible situation and on top of that, they begged me to give in and cried in front of me, telling me that my decision was killing them. I finally gave up and left with them because at that point, I didn't even feel like I had a choice.They took me home and I went into depression. I never resented my parents at all; how could I be mad at them, when in their eyes, they were protecting me and preventing me from a life of suffering? I'm currently at home, trying to move on, and plan a new life. At first, I thought my situation was so unfair. Why am I being punished? I didn't do anything wrong -I was a good daughter, I was getting good grades in graduate school, and I loved my life. But thinking that way made me plummet deeper into depression, and drove me insane. I also felt horrible for what my boyfriend must had been going through, and worried about him constantly. At this point, I have already accepted that I will never be with him. Because in Asian culture, my parents' happiness is also my happiness and I don't really expect other people to understand that. I wanted to know if there is anyone else out there that has gone through something similar and can offer any word of advice to make me a stronger person? I don't want to hear anything about how wrong my parents are. I also wanted to know if you think that one day after all this settles down, my ex-boyfriend and I could be friends (despite that I promised my parents I would never contact him again)?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2010): I understand that you do not want your parents put down in anyway but the only way for you as a person to become stronger is to see the total truth about your hurt. there are many cultures and some so old fashioned that without the younger generation making a stand they will be apparent when your own children are older and can you see yourself acting as your parents did? I have an understanding of your culture not because I`m Asian but because of time i have spent in safe houses for abused women. It is not right for a man to hit a women where ever they are from and it is not right that you are imprisoned and made to comply.
I think that in life you have to stand up for self even if you risk hurting your parents wherever your from and what ever your culture. I have empathy with your ex boyfriend as my ex boyfriend finished with me because his mother did not like it and we are both English so interfering parents is an international issue. I expect you love them dearly but the question is are you happy? the only way to make a difference is to rebel a little but if you feel that you are at risk ensure there is somewhere safe to go. if you were in the UK there are refuges for young Asians who are maybe a risk from harm or unwanted arrange marriages. I`m sorry for saying exactly what you didnt want to hear but I believe that all humans have to right to be happy
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