A
female
age
41-50,
*ittlesuziepie
writes:Well now. I have a question for parents. I ask for parents because its easier said than done. I can give the best parenting advise but can't seem to perform. I am the only parental figure my daughter has now or has had her whole life. My main question is will it get better or harder? I always spoiled my kid. Never let her be sad or get let down. Anything she wanted I gave her. Anything she wanted to do we did. Now that she is 12. Some of the things she wants to do are not things I am going to allow. Her bad grades and not doing homework isn't going to fly with me. Homework is a struggle such a task that I'm exausted and at my wits end. And that's just asking her to do what she has to do. I work full time. She is at school and then she has a few hours before her babysitting job. She is starting to hang with the wrong croud and I am faced with having to work part time now to keep a short leash on this kid. Which really isn't an option for me right now. She isn't a loving child toward me. She is mean and pushes me all the way. I am trying to crack down on her but its an all out brawl everyday. Every thing is a struggle. A fight. An argument. Its so bad. I can't deal. I love her so much but I am afraid that I am failing her as a parent. Our family shouldn't be this way. How can I make her more compassionate about life. Herself and our family? She hates me. I know that I gave too much and that is why I have such a monster now. Its all my fault. I can't give up. I can't just let her Do what she wants to make my life easier. Will it get better? If I keep up the rules and restrictions? Will the fights eventually go away? Will she love me and respect me someday? I thought she would always love me. Always be grateful for the attention and things I have givin to her. That she would be so grateful that I have made her life so easy. Not my kid. I love her but I really don't like the person she has become. Sorry this was so long. I just need some advise. Some insite. Will I have to send this kid away to live with another family member to insure her success in life? Or as I said. Will she someday see the light and understand why I do what I do? Thanks for helping if you can. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2008): Hi littlesuziepie,
Great I'm glad we could help. I love children, but I hate spoilt little brats. I don't blame them it's not their fault, it's just the way they've learned to cope with life. When children say things like "I hate you, yur not my friend" it dosen't hurt because I'm not their mother. For you it is different and your emotionally attached. Remember it's alright to cry sometimes (as long as she dosen't hear) and some days will be harder than others (so try to make some special time to give yourself a reward) I can talk the talk, but if I had kids they would probably send me up the wall and I would give in too.
Children have a great technique of nagging, they can go on and on untill you give in, but adults also have their power. You can be silent and ignore her untill she goes away, you don't even have to respond, you can simply shake your head to say no. Remember this is a fight that you must win, because when she becomes a teenager, her hormones will kick in and things will get worse. That's the time when you start loosing big time, because teenagers are very strange, moody things.
Ground rules that help are, don't ever reward bad behaviour, try to compliment her when she behaves, remember she will love you forever no matter what she says, if you threaten something you must carry it out, never go back on your word or promise and finally she's young to be in charge, so you need to take control.
Keep us updated, I'd like to see how it goes. Take care of you and thanks for the update... PS: I knew you didn't hit her, she'd be more scared if you did... LOL
A
female
reader, littlesuziepie +, writes (15 July 2008):
littlesuziepie is verified as being by the original poster of the question Wow. Great I'm so excited to read all of these tips. I get the main points and that's stay strong. Don't get involved in an argument. No is no and that moment is not time to discuss it. God if I only thought to do this years ago. I mean she will ask and ask and beg and push and yell and cry and Call me at work ever ten minutes. Because she knows that my no is going to be a well see maybe if she pushes me enough and finally a yes ok fine. Just to get back to work or catch my spinning head. When all this time I did have the power to say no and not have t ingage in her game to get what she wants. She has lots of stuff I can take away as punishment as well. I am seriously going to keep a journal of all the suggestions. Because the more I read this stuff from you guys the better I feel about the situation. Maybe I can look back on our daily issues and say remember this worked and that worked. Becausei tend to veer off of my path. I'm going to use the chore chart. The expectation list of accomplishments that are expected from her and let her get a special treat at the end of every week for stickin to her accomplishments. This way I can instill the feeling of being proud of herself rather than think she can't do anything right.
I'm so glad I asked for help. :) I see happier days ahead. I just have to stay strong. I think I can do that.
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A
female
reader, littlesuziepie +, writes (15 July 2008):
littlesuziepie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI re-read my entry and realized that we are not all from the same country and may not use the same slang words to describe things. I need to clear up the part about everyday being a fight a battle. I don't mean physical fights. We have never hit each other. I have never even givin her a Pat on the bottom. At times I do remember my parents quoting a line from the bible. "spare the rod and spoile the child" Maybe I should have been the hand of reason. But no It would hurt me more than it would hurt her and I know that so I could never. But the last entry from the young mother of a 5 year old. Your words are soothing to me really. I am grateful you gave me some advise from her point of view. There is hope after all. Thank you and I really do hope my daughter realizes one day as you did and just loves me and let's me love her. She is very different from how I was as a child. I was shy and quiet. Always wanted to please people and had such a compassion for others feelings. I just expected she would be the same. I do see this in her with others. She can stay with family and they all tell me she is such a different person when she isn't around me. I guess that makes me sad but happy to know that I did something right. She did get some of my goodness. I just don't have the pleasure to enjoy it right now. One of the hardest jobs I have ever signed on to. Thanks again everyone for answering.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2008): First i will say that i am a parent but i have a 5 year old son. But i wanted to let you know that a about 10 year ago i was just like your daughter! i was out of control, didnt listen to a word my mother said an did things just to pi$$ her off. We faught every day and things were really bad for a good year or two. But we out grew it, i started to grow up an i realized that i needed my mother there and from then on out relationship has gotten very close. i am 24 an the middle of 3 girls and i was the first to have a child, after becoming a mother myself i know can see what my mother went through. all a parent wants for there child is to guide them in the right direction. trust me your daughter will out grow this, you just have to give her a little time to grow up! teenage years are really hard on some of us!!!
good luck with it all!
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A
female
reader, littlesuziepie +, writes (15 July 2008):
littlesuziepie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for answering. I really do feel better. I thought I was loosing it but I hear that all parents have to be parents and not so much friends. I will take your advise everyone of you. I need all the luck I can get and so thanks for rooting for me. I'm trying to find a good councelor to help me understand her and her to understand me better. All I want is a happy family and a happy but well behavied young lady. Thanks again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2008): I not a parent, I don't have any kids, but I spend a lot of time with children and love kids with all my heart. Sorry, this wll be a long read, but I've got plenty of ideas.
As you said your daughter is spoilt. The discipline she should have learned has come at a late stage. Unfortunately it is much easier to deal with little kids, their small enough to pick up and put them to bed. You will have to continue to this fight, you can't afford to give up because her behaviour will get worse, and she might find herself in difficult when she gets older and does not know how to behave.
For 12 years this kid has never known sadness, you gave her everything she wanted, did anything she said. This is a revesal of roles. You are the parent, she should do what you want and what you say. Of course she's gonna rebel, of course she's gonna fight. She's happy being in control, why should she change. It's not her fault she's behaving like this. She thinks your mean and nasty too. She's been having fun all her life, and then for some reason you change and everything gets difficult.
Right. Now remember you are in control, you are they adult here. Your not allowed to fight, your not allowed to argue. I know it sounds almost superhuman, but you must remain calm, you must stay in authority, you must talk to her, not shout so she can hear what you have to say. Repetition for emphasis always works. Instead of asking her to do things, tell her what you expect. "I expect you to finish your homework before you go to bed", "I expect you to pull up your grades before the summer break"... no room for her to wiggle, nowhere for her to go, unless she's finding school hard.
You should also introduce a system of punishments and rewards. Say if she pulls up one grade, treat her and one friend to the cinema, or if she's been really good maybe she could stay over a suitable friend one night. If she has a babysitting job, as well as school, then you must realise that she has two jobs, and accept she may be finding schoolwork a little hard. Make sure she's not having problems undstanding the schoolwork she's supposed to do.
First start by calling a family conference (if other children are involved) and negotiate a contract which you can all agree to. She'll have duties and responsiblities and you will have yours. It is difficult to choose the people who your child wants as a friend. But you can put your foot down as to when and where they meet, and how you expect her to behave. Rewards again are important. You really must put aside to be with her, not for fights and arguements, but just some good mother and daughter fun. When's the last time you two went to the park, when's the last time you both laughed and had fun together. It's not all about discipline, you also have to work at creating a strong bond.
You can even introduce a gold star system too. I know it sounds babyish and stupid. But even adults can get a buzz out of getting a little gold star for the good work they do. If you couple it with rewards and punishments (ie: taking back an item you have brought her, like her tv, or favourite dress etc) untill she has earned enough starts to buy it back. In this way hopefully she'll learn that it pays to behave. Don't sweat the small stuff, sometimes give in a let her win. Ask her what she would like to change about the way your family operates, give her a space to also make a point. If she fights, or is rude, then have no futher communication untill she calms down. An empty room would be the perfect space, but locking her in the cupboard is out.
If things get on top of you, then a very short stay (no more than a week) should give you both a chance to review things and calm down. Make sure you let her know it's not a punishment and you love her very much, but your having a hard time and just need to sort some things out. Communication in letters is always good, because it gives you thinking space to say things right. Make sure you praise her when she does good, and compliment her on any kindness she shows.
You can't afford to give up, this is a game that you must win. Your daughter will fight with all her might to stay in control, but it's not something that will do her good in future. Unfortunately "I know that I gave too much and that is why I have such a monster now". This wasn't done in the begin, so you have a harder fight now.
Please keep us updated, I hope you have the strength and your daughter has enough love, that the two of you can work your way through this and develop a mother daughter relationship where you both feel good. Tell us how it goes, we'd love to help you both. Take care, blessings and hugs.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2008): Well, I agree with the other author, rebellion in teens is normal but she is not even a teen yet. You seem to take a degree of responsibility for her disregard now, having given her everything she wanted as a small child. Be thankful that she is not 16 and able to drive, your problems would be a lot worse. At 12, you still have most of the control.
I should have a serious talk with her (but maintain a calm yet authoritative voice). If you start screaming like her then it looks like you are just as out of control. You need to let her know you are the boss, you are in control and as the parent you are not going to put up with her unsavory behavior.
Don't make threats about grounding her. If she doesn't want to follow a few simple guidelines and respect you then promise her there will be consequences. If she continues to act like an irresponsible child, then you intend to treat her as such.
Start taking things away, different privileges like her cell phone (just don't pay for it or take the phone from her). Don't allow her to talk to friends if they call or visit the house. No television, cancel your service if you have to. Take her out of after school activities if she participates in them. Basically take away any privileges or liberties until her behavior changes and she brings up her grades.
She might hate you but you must be the parent, not the best friend and that is sometimes a hard thing to deal with. You need to get her on the right track now before she goes further of the track.
Remember to stay calm but very firm.
Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2008): I am a parent. It might get harder, but you must be consistent with whatever you do. You can't give in no matter how much you want too. You have spoiled your daughter. So she expects to get everything she wants. I can't tell you what to do because all children are different. Some things work for some kids that don't work for others. When my child starts to act like I have to give her everything. I start from the basic. I strip her room and take everything from her. She doesn't get it back until her behavior changes. I have to provide her needs,not her wants. I have to take care of her and love her. I am not entitle to provide her with her wants. That has to be earned. Some might not feel that way.
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