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female
,
anonymous
writes: Hi, I need some advice please regarding my partners situation with his family. The story is this, we have been together now for three years, living together for two, we are 56 and 54 he has two girls 26 and 22 i have four sons 35 33 32 and 26 he has two grandchildren me nine...ahggggggg! lol anyway the situation is that even after all this time our families have not met.. i have tried on several occasions for them to meet but without success, you see there is a problem with his x wife i dont think she wants her daughters to mix with my family.. for instance when it was their grandaughters 2nd birthday he went along to her birthday without me and when i found out i asked why i wasnt invited he didnt seem to think that i would be bothered but i told him i was so he said that in future we would go together... the following birthday we went together and they already had a birthday tea in the afternoon without telling us.. nobody was at home and we had to leave the present with a relative.. i felt hurt and angry so did my partner. He still has outstanding issues with his x but he never deals with them which is causing problems with our relationship... but the crunch came recently when his daughter had another baby and he went to hospital to visit her with his x and his daughter without asking me.. i was livid and felt betrayed by him he simply does'nt understand how it makes me feel not being allowed to share these precious times with him and his family... when my son and daughter-in-law had their baby twins and were in the special baby unit we were both invited and i would'nt have expected anything less from my family.. he has been made welcome into all my family including my siblings homes with open arms but i feel so uncomfortable whenever we visit his to this day we have never shared a meal with his family which i find hard to deal with and so i have this week told him i can no longer be with him.. i know its hard but i feel deeply that there is no other way because i dont want to go through any more hurt or humiliation like i have felt recently. please help.
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female
reader, justice +, writes (8 August 2006):
who cares what she doesnt want he is your man now and you can do what you want?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2006): I think it is wonderful that you have that loving supportive family. *hugs* That sort of family is a dying breed in today's world.
I think that Irish is right in that you need to focus on what you do have and not put so much energy into focusing on what you don't have. Perspective is everything.
I think talking with your boyfriend and letting him know how you feel is also good.
Thank him for respecting and honoring your wishes in including you to family functions. He does hear you, love you.
Again, I agree with Irish when I say that the Ex sounds very controlling and mean in that she involves her adult children into deciding whom to love and support. This is very wrong of her. Love is not conditional. I feel for those children even if they are adults.
I think having the children over for supper with your boyfriend and telling them that things are not going to change unless they change their hearts and attitudes.
Dad needs to talk to his children and tell them how he expects them to behave and govern themselves. He needs to ask for their forgiveness.
This will be alot to digest. Tell them you would love to have them over for dinner another time; like a week and that they are welcomed in your home.
Tell them you are not replacing their mother and have no foolish notions of such and that you are happy being the woman who stands by their fathers side. Reassure them.
Say one kind thing about their mother and what you admire in her. Like say; I absolutely admire how your mother made it important to have a very loving and close relationship with you all. Touch them on the arm as you are saying it.
Compliment your boyfriend and say how you love to see him with his children as his love for them is warming to witness, touch him as you say this.
Thank them for coming.
It is clear that his children have a much harder time forgiving and moving on as the mother nurses their anger and resentment; how unfortunate.
Be grateful that you have a loving family who can be a model to your boyfriend. (This may also hurt him a little; to see such warmth and love and acceptance and to know that he can not make his family be the same way)
Get the counselling. Also suggest that him and his children get some family counselling. The Ex is not invited as this is about his relationship with his children.
Best wishes.
*hugs*
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2006): Ex-wives and the adult kids can certainly curse a relationship. We know you aren't welcome in his children's lives and you are struggling emotionally to deal with these people, who have decided to shun 'you'. His daughters are independent adults and can make their own choices and decisions, with whom they associate with. It's obvious they feel a strong, unwavering loyalty to their Mother and aren't prepared to 'let you into the family fold'. So what can you do? Nothing. It is time for you to emotionally detach and carry on. You need to totally stop thinking about the way they treat you. You aren’t a favorite and you know that. Keep believing in yourself, hun. You know you are a great, loving person who has a lot to offer, in the way of support, friendship for his family. But if they don't respond..why keep banging you head into a wall? You don’t need to torture yourself like this with all this pain and hurt. Let this go. You won't be able to change who they are or their inappropriate behaviour. Sadly, this is how they deal with people and this is their problem. It's quite likely they feel torn between their Mom and Dad. Their Mother is dealing with her own issues of anger/pain over this divorce and needs someone to be in her corner. This is selfishness of the worst kind. She has the problem and her daughters are simply caught up in their Mother's emotional issues. Only they can resolve this with time and thier own developemnt into a more mature mindset.
Hopefully some day, your bf will stop allowing his family to yank him and you around. He really needs to talk to them and be clear, that he will not tolerate any more poor behaviour toward you. But, this will take time because the adversity you face is common when there is a lonely, bitter ex-wife. So, in the meantime, don't call off this relationship. You are going to have to develop a thick skin to ward off the crap his family is dishing out. Accept your bf will be required to see his own family from time to time...this is par for the course. But this is a good time for you and he to sit down and discuss solidarity, commitment, respect and how the both of you can deal with the different stresses that family members can put on a love relationship. Assess whether your relationship is strong enough to withstand it. Personally, I really love children and would love the opportunity to have the wonderful bounty of grand children that you have. Life is too short..be blessed for what you do have..now go hug those lovely grandchildren of yours and take all your energy and think in a positive, happy way. Include your partner..and build on that happiness.
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