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female
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anonymous
writes: Hi, i feel really down today. I live with my partner and our sons, his ex still keeps in touch because their son. I don't have a problem with that but she phones when she knows i'm out. he says that they only talk about kids stuff then the other day she had phoned. When i asked how long they had been on the phone he got really annoyed and said it was only 10 minutes, it checked it was 40!!! Then he said he had told her about alterations we are doing on the house (she lived there before going off with some other guy 3 years ago). I was so annoyed, why does he have to tell her everything. It's as if he has to have approval. he says he is gregarious and he would of told the milkman or anyone. I just feel so fed up. he sometimes tells me things that have been said weeks later. When was this conversation?? I have asked for her to be pushed into the background and he says he has but it's not like that to me. Can anyone say anything to stop me feeling so fed up!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2006): There can be no divided loyalties between an ex and a current partner. His loyalty needs to be with you and I am betting my bottom dollar his love and loyalties are with you. It just that you are percieving all this, in the wrong way. Dear, You can't expect his ex to be shoved in the background. No matter how small of a role she plays, she will always be a part of his life, because they have a child together. This is what happens when 'you' make the choice to love a man who has an ex and a child in his life. Accept it or this will drive you nutty. Now, If your partner is 'gregarious'-I am assuming he's extroverted, fun, friendly, sociable? He likes to chat? He is not rude, nor disrespectful to most people? It doesn't sound like you are fearing that he is harboring any heartfelt feelings toward her or that he's going to go back to her? I really think this is 'just who he is"..a friendly guy. From what you are saying, all he has done is had phone conversations with her and it's bothering you that he's told her things, you deem as "off limit' subjects. To him, he just sees it as conversing with her about everyday, mundane things in his life. You do realize, you can't tell him he can't do this. Trusting, solid relationships are built on sacrifice and caring, not power and control. And your competitiveness can drain the joy, confidence and productivity out of your relationship. To be honest, you own this, dear. You have to recognize that this is all about you. You view her as competition and you are behaving jealous. Stop doing that.
Understand they still have a son, they are both raising together. It benefits the son, if his parents have a friendly relationship. That's likely the most responsible, giving thing they can do for this kid and that is to have a amiable relationship. I am seeing his relationship with her as a common ally of his child. If all it is--is phone conversations, I see nothing wrong with this. Open up your relationship more with him and tell him to be honest with you. He neglects to tell you things about the length and times of the conversations, because you get annoyed. He should never be feeling he has to do that. This is not a healthy, loving way to conduct a good, committed relationship.
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